Weddings are stressful despite the celebratory nature of a monumental next chapter of a couple’s lives. However, the bride or groom-to-be aren’t the only ones vulnerable to anxiety and concerns.
Things getting dramatic well before the day’s nuptials arrive can all be blamed on high expectations, and that is exactly what happened to a woman who was tasked with joining the bridal party.
After a heated discussion, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor autumrenaee asked:
“AITA for telling my best friend I don’t want to be in her wedding because I can’t afford it?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My best friend of many years is getting married, and she recently asked me to be a bridesmaid.”
“I was thrilled at first, but after she shared the details, my excitement turned into anxiety.”
The OP continued:
“The dresses she picked out are expensive, the bachelorette party is a destination weekend, and there are other costs like hair, makeup, and gifts. I did the math, and it’s way out of my budget.”
“I told her that while I was honored, she asked if I could afford to be at the wedding. I offered to support her in other ways, like helping with planning or attending her bridal shower, but she was upset.”
“She said she thought being her bridesmaid was non-negotiable because we’re so close, and she didn’t think it was fair for me to back out over money.”
The bride-to-be continued being persistent.
“She also implied that I could make it work if I ‘really tried’ and suggested I use my savings or pick up extra work to cover the costs.”
“Now I feel like I’ve let her down and maybe overreacted by saying no so quickly. I know how important this day is to her, but I also can’t justify putting myself into debt or draining my savings for it.”
“She’s been distant since our conversation, and I’m worried I’ve damaged our friendship. AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. You shouldn’t go into debt for your own wedding, much less someone else’s! Your friend is demanding that you be financially irresponsible, and that’s not fair.”
“When I got married, I knew my best friend wouldn’t be able to afford to come, so I had included the costs of flying her out and putting her up in a hotel in our wedding planning. It turned out that her health was too poor to come (a massive infection that required major surgery with a very long recovery), so I didn’t actually end up doing so, but that’s how I intended to deal with her not being able to afford to come.” – KaliTheBlaze
“Exactly. When my boyfriend got married, she chose a dress color that allowed us to find a suitable one that fit our budget. For her bachelorette, we just rented a house on a lake locally. It was more important to hang out and celebrate her than have some perfect social media event.” – Zappagrrl02
“Agreed! When I got married, my best friend was also planning her own wedding. I was very considerate about costs when including her. Our wedding was in our family’s state, which was also hers. I paid for hair and makeup, sale-shopped dresses, didn’t force specific shoes, and covered the hotel the night before.”
“She did not do the same. A stupid expensive dress, plus hair and makeup, shoes, hotel, on the opposite coast of us. She also wanted me out there for the bachelorette a week before the wedding.”
“It would have cost me $4k and over a week off of work to be ONE of her MOHs. I had to decline. She then asked that I use our honeymoon money (we were taking a delayed honeymoon to avoid taking on any debt and to kick off trying for a baby). I was floored. We fought and never talked again. That was almost 10 years ago.” – KissMyAxeXXX
“THISS!! OP this is what your friend should be doing if she really wants you there. it just seems pretty selfish on her part that she wants YOU to pull up your sleeves to spend at HER wedding when she was not even considerate enough to consider your situation while planning this lavish wedding.”
“NTA and i would suggest to not bow down to her tantrums. Hold your ground, if this is the reason your friendship collapses, then it was never that strong to begin with.” – AcceptableVictory850
“NTA. No, she is the one who just damaged the relationship. Her image of a perfect wedding is more important to her than your friendship. She is more than willing for you to work extra, drain your savings, and go into debt so that she can have her perfect day.”
“This is what is known as being selfish. Her manipulating you raises that to toxic levels. You made your boundary clear and even offered compromises so you could be part of her day. You did nothing wrong.” – WhereWeretheAdults
“If she really was your best friend and she really wanted you there, she’d pay for you to be there and help you find ways to afford it monetarily and not get mad that you can’t attend everything.”
“TWO of my best friends got married in the same year my sister was married and I was a bridesmaid in each wedding and I’m forever grateful to them (and still am best friends) because that’s what they did.”
“They were either very aware of the financials of their parties or their parents gave me generous gifts that covered the costs of things (both my friends are Chinese, and it was tradition for them to give bridal party gifts).”
“If she really wanted you there, she would make an effort instead of whining and making you drain your own bank account.” – geenersaurus
“Wedding culture has gotten so crazy. “But it’s my special day!” exactly- yours. Not one guest is going to be sitting around years from now waxing nostalgic about someone else’s special day. It’s a day out of our lives, nothing else.”
“No one but the bride and maybe your mom will remember the centerpieces, the flowers, etc. What your friends might remember is going into debt and not being appreciated for it, how selfish you were, and how stupid it was in hindsight to spend so much money on someone else’s big day.”
“You would be well in your rights to resent being asked to spend thousands of dollars you don’t have on someone else’s special event. NTA.” – almaperdida99
“NTA.”
“Only entitled people expect you to spend thousands of dollars on THEIR event and expect you to use your savings and do overtime at work to cover the costs of the highly expensive selections they’ve made for their wedding..”
“I can tell you from experience that the bride is the one that covers the bridesmaids dresses and makeup , and that only the bachelorette party is something all the participants should cover.” – edebby
“Same. I couldn’t have imagined making my bridesmaids pay for their dresses for my wedding. I too covered their hair and makeup. Attending weddings are expensive AF as it is, no way would I want my closest friends and relatives to pay even more.”
“Destination hen parties should always be optional. If you want to do that, fine, but you cannot be upset with people if they can’t afford it or can’t/don’t want to use their annual leave for it.” – Scorpiodancer123
“A very long time friend asked me if I would be a BM for her last year, and I straight up said ‘I would be honoured but I’m not able to spend more than x amount; I totally understand if that means you need to rescind the invite.’”
“She was very understanding and talked me through the expected costs – luckily it was all very manageable and I could participate! I think you did what you should’ve done, ie look through your budget and realise it wasn’t possible for you, communicate that early on, and offer to do what was within your means. NTA!” – noyoureshmoopy
“NTA.”
“Honestly I never understood why bridesmaids were expected to foot the bill for expensive single-use clothing anyway. ‘Go into debt to pay for MY special day’ is ridiculous. And if your friend can’t understand why your financial well-being is important, then she’s not much of a friend.” – wanderingstorm
Overall, Redditors thought the bride was being dismissive of the OP’s concerns.
Even after expressing that she wanted to be there but the financial logistics were not feasible, the bride remained unsympathetic and offended over the concern.
If the friendship is to be salvaged, hopefully, the bride can move on from this and not make the OP feel horrible for being honest about her situation.