In the United States, many state authorities have established ways to collect unpaid child support.
One is to garnish certain payments from the state or federal government, like retirement benefits and tax refunds. But if the parent with payments due is remarried, is it reasonable for their spouse to share the burden for non-payment?
A spouse that just learned of their husband’s unpaid child support after their joint tax return was partially garnished turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
No-Phase2652 asked:
“AITAH for being angry my tax refund paid off my husband’s child support?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I filed our taxes jointly this year for the past two years.”
“I was completely unaware that he had $7,000 in unpaid child support—I thought he was making regular monthly payments.”
“We were expecting a refund, but only $175 was deposited.”
“I feel blindsided, violated, and taken advantage of. When I brought this up, he dismissed my feelings and told me I should be grateful the child support is now paid off because it means he can contribute more money each month.”
“That logic doesn’t make sense to me—his child is still under 18, so he still has to make ongoing payments regardless.”
“I feel physically ill. He is not supportive of how I’m feeling whatsoever and is actually angry at me for how I am responding.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added.
“Reading through the thoughtful responses—from compassionate strangers to tax pros and attorneys—has honestly meant the world to me. Outside of my husband, I don’t have much of a support system, so your words made me feel seen and less alone.”
“Right now, I’m still trying to wrap my head around how someone I trusted so deeply could hurt me like this. I put blind faith in him—my mistake, and I fully own that.”
“But for me, it’s not just about the money. It’s about the principle. And that’s what stings the most.”
“I feel so drained in every possible way. I feel so used. I will keep fighting and I will overcome this.”
“Money aside, pretending like it’s not a big deal because it works in their favor is the worst form of betrayal I’ve ever experienced.”
Some Redditors weighed in using the AITA acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors had plenty of advice—tax and otherwise— to offer the OP.
“Lawyer here who used to practice family law before I decided I didn’t hate myself: there’s no way he didn’t know he owed that money, and there’s no way he didn’t know it was coming out of your refund.”
“The notices are insanely pervasive; his job and bank also knew this would happen. He set you up and hid information from you.” ~ SugarCube80
“Another family lawyer here. Can confirm, he should have been receiving quite a number of notices about his arrearage.”
“Someone else advised OP to fill out an injured spouse allocation form, which is what I would do.” ~ skepticalkoopatroopa
“Fill out the Injured Spouse Allocation form. NTA.” ~ Bella1643412
“Once you file the injured spouse form, you also need to verify how you filed so that it doesn’t go thru his bank account for the refund.”
“Warning as well, ANY combined accounts with both of your names on it are subject to the same thing the next time he does this. And if he’s that far behind once, there’s a strong chance he’ll fall behind again.”
“You can dispute that stuff as well, but it’s a process and you should know this sooner rather than later.”
“Where has the money he’s supposedly spending for his child support been going if he’s that far behind? You might have bigger issues that you just found out about. NTA.” ~ krakh3d
“With the amount she described he owes monthly and the refund that was taken, it would be over three years that he just didn’t pay child support.”
“I would be hugely concerned about the financial implications but also the moral ones—this is a man who is OK not supporting his own children for upwards of three years. Please do not have children with this person if you haven’t already.” ~ MiddleHuckleberry445
“Tax pro here. Yes. Do this, OP. I had a client in a similar situation & we filed with her as injured spouse for the couple of years that they were married before she kicked him to the curb.”
“He was a total loser. He figured that she was one of those women who would put up with anything to be in a relationship.”
“He was gainfully employed until they got married & quit his job as soon as she said, ‘I do’. I was delighted to see her nope him out of there when she caught onto his game.”
“You can do this after the fact & for future returns, too.” ~ Pointy_Stix
“NTA. You’re dealing with a man who doesn’t pay child support and tricked you into paying it. He is a POS.”
“Don’t expect him to be any better than he has already shown. He won’t be.” ~ Accomplished-Fly4992
“Well, if he wasn’t paying the child support, and wasn’t paying into their joint expenses, then just WTF was his money going‽‽ I’d be checking for more than hidden debt if I were OP.” ~ Disastrous-Bee-1557
“Financial abuse, red flags are abundant.” ~ ShyVoodoo
“This comment here wins the gold medal! Not to mention, the verbal/emotional abuse (gaslighting) has begun. $7k is not a small sum. On top of that, he’s not taking care of his obligations to HIS OWN CHILD.”
“OP, I recommend separating all finances. Start a bank account he doesn’t know about so when you’ve finally had your fill and are ready to leave, you have funds set aside so you can get your own place, hire a lawyer, etc…”
“Also, for legal reasons, make sure you have a Dropbox or similar of receipts, whether text messages, audio recordings, your tax returns, actual receipts for things you’ve paid for, etc…”
“I hate to be negative. I’m such a romantic. However, I have learned to recognize the signs of abuse early and cut and run for my own long term benefit.”
“Here’s some other food for thought…visit the Burned Haystack Dating method on Facebook, which will direct you to her Instagram and Substack (or just Google it.) Watch the videos about the rhetorical patterns for educational purposes for yourself.”
“Try to determine how many of them apply to your situation and whether or not this is behavior worth accepting long-term, or if you need to be making plans to exit the relationship before you are caused further detriment. Best of luck.” ~ KUWK8
“Amen. To add, women really shouldn’t be dating men who can’t be bothered to pay for their previous children. Like please, don’t write that off.”
“They’re breaking the law and only a sorry sack of sh*t would not want to pay for their child’s survival and well-being. That’s coming from a dude who has never missed a support payment, with shared custody of my daughter half the time.”
“I can’t even imagine just being like, ‘nah, don’t think I’mma pay for her to have a roof over her head and food this month. I’d like to go on vacation instead’.” ~ RaygunMarksman
“Your husband knew this would happen which is why he wanted to file jointly and did not pay any child support. He’s also a deadbeat for not paying child support in the first place.”
“I’d suggest a divorce, but just don’t expect him to pay to support the kids you have with him either.” ~ AssociationHot2423
“He hid a major debt, used your refund to pay it off without telling you, and then dismissed your feelings. That’s a big breach of trust.”
“You have every right to be upset. It’s not just about the money, it’s about honesty and respect in a relationship.” ~ Slight-Cheek3155
“NTA, and go with everyone else’s advice. Here to say I was garnished for $15k that my husband owed from over a decade ago that I had absolutely no clue about. Never apologized or even acknowledged it.” ~ Key_Situation643
“I am so sorry that this happened to you! Your husband is a real piece of work and is waving so many red flags.”
“Strike 1: He lied to you about him being responsible paying his child support every month on time.”
“Strike 2: He is a dirt bag who doesn’t pay his child support. Absolute garbage human being to not support his own child(ren).”
“Strike 3: Hiding a massive $7,000 debt from being a garbage deadbeat dad.”
“Strike 4: Using YOU and your money to pay his debt without asking or giving you any sort of heads up. He thought it’d be easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission… EXCEPT…”
“Strike 5: …HE DIDN’T APOLOGIZE! Instead of apologizing to you for putting you in this situation, he is gaslighting you by telling you that you are crazy for being upset.”
“You feel blindsided, violated, and taken advantage of because your husband HAS blindsided, violated, and taken advantage of you.”
“He is using you and telling you to be grateful for it. He feels entitled to your money and feel free to dismisses your pain. He sounds like the type of man who bleeds a woman dry until she leaves him or she’s no longer useful.”
“You deserve better.” ~ Ema630
The OP provided a very brief update:
“Injured spouse form is in the mail. I had to physically mail it, it couldn’t be electronically filed.”
It’s good that the OP now knows the situation they’re in.
It’s unfortunate this is how and when they found out.