The tradition of a bride taking her groom’s surname at the time of their marriage isn’t universal.
Global cultures have a myriad of naming conventions.
And even in countries where it was common practice, the tradition is losing popularity.
A bride who chose to maintain her individual identity after marriage turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her father-in-law strongly objected.
Pianohog asked:
“AITA for not taking my father-in-law’s (FIL’s) last name after getting married?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I got married to my husband 1 year ago, and I am still wondering if I’m an a**hole. Before we got married, my husband and I talked and agreed that I could keep my current last name.”
“It never occurred to me that I should tell anyone of our decision to not change my last name.”
“At our wedding, the pastor announced us as Mr John and Mrs Jane (fake names for anonymity). No last name was announced.”
“But I guess I did mention to my new sister-in-law (SIL) that I was keeping my name. I’m not sure if she told my in-laws intentionally to cause conflict or if she actually didn’t realize I hadn’t told them.”
“Anyways, my husband’s parents invited us over once we got back from our honeymoon and finished moving into our new house. What I thought was going to be a nice first visit as husband and wife quickly turned into a fight.”
“My FIL said he had to have a serious conversation with me, and he began talking about how great and wonderful his last name is and how people will automatically respect me in his community just because I would have the same name as him.”
“I, as calmly as I could—I was so upset at this point I could hardly talk, told him my reasons for not wanting to change my name.”
“1) it’s complicated and expensive to change id’s and such 2) my current last name is unique, I’ve never met another person outside of family with it 3) my home business and degree were established under my current name.”
“None of these reasons were good enough for him. He replied, ‘well, our other daughter-in-law changed her name and she has the same degree as you’ and then mother-in-law (MIL) said it didn’t cost her any money to change her name—but that was 40 yrs ago and things change.”
“I said I don’t feel that I further need to justify my decision to you since you’re not listening or understanding my perspective.”
“Now, FIL says I am insulting him by rejecting his name and all his friends are going to suspect something is wrong and that I am making a mistake and that no one will respect me.”
“I am full on crying as this point and all I could I do was stand and say I am going home. As we are walking out FIL stands up and throws his hands up in a surrendering gesture saying I’m just trying to have a conversation.”
“I think I could be the a**hole for 2 reasons here: 1) for not publicly announcing my intentions to keep my maiden name and 2) for walking out mid-conversation with my new in-laws.”
The OP later added:
“I’ve realized it’s impossible to please them. I would love to pick a new name with husband but he’s not on board with that idea.”
“My husband was right next to me. I think he must’ve been shocked or something that his parents would confront us in such a manner.”
“He was quiet until we left, but I was too upset to talk to him after we left.”
“We’re not in the United States—in my country, it can be hard to get certain IDs if your birth certificate doesn’t match what your current name is. So that was another reason I had for wanting to keep my own name.”
“Changing it is just an unnecessary, expensive hassle.”
“I don’t necessarily want independence but I want to be recognized as my own person.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I did not announce my intention to keep my maiden name to my in-laws before the wedding, and now they are extremely offended, and there is tension between us during any interaction.”
“I feel that if I told them earlier, we may have avoided such conflict.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“OK, and what is your husband doing about everything now? He took vows to you. You should be his priority.”
“This is the first test in your marriage. How will he rectify his initial failure in addressing his parents’ disrespect for his wife?” ~ goldilaughs
“NTA. This clearly isn’t a person who will listen to a woman. And your husband is apparently useless.”
“If you’re close to your own father or have brothers, uncles, or male cousins that share your surname and are willing to do you a favor, have one—or several of them—ask your father-in-law what’s wrong with their last name.”
“Have them ask him why their last name isn’t good enough for him. Have them ask him why he’s disrespecting all of them and their last name.”
“Bonus points if they suggest his son should have taken your family’s last name, but they’re willing to compromise and let him keep his father’s name.”
“Also, it’s super creepy that your father-in-law kept saying you should have taken his last name instead of saying his son’s surname. It’s the same name, but he makes it sound like you’d be labeled as his property. Gross.” ~ MohawMais
“NTA. You don’t need to justify your decisions to anyone. ‘I am my own person, and I like my own name. If [husband] is willing to consider hyphenating, I will do the same. ‘”
“This seems like a weird control thing. Tell your husband, right now, that you have no intention of dealing with it and he needs to step up.” ~ aj_alva
“I changed my name. 30 years later we are separating and I will not be changing my name back because the time, trouble and cost isn’t worth it.”
“You can bet if I had an interesting last name, I would have kept it.”
“I think you and your husband will have more problems with your old-fashioned and controlling FIL as you go along, but if your husband stands with you, you will be fine. Be strong. NTA.” ~ CoffeeKat66
“Your husband should NOT have been quiet. He should NOT have let you get to the point of tears. That’s insane.”
“There is zero reason you should be crying about your damn name. F*ck that. F*ck your father-in-law.”
“I would refuse to step foot in their house or to speak to him until YOUR HUSBAND has stepped up, set his father straight, and your father-in-law apologizes to you.”Â
“You have a HUGE husband problem here.” ~ Mmm_lemon_cakes
“So at no time did your husband attempt to shut his father down? Why did he allow his father to rip into you like that?”
“FIL was way out of bounds, but your husband did nothing to back you up. He’s the a**hole, and FIL is kinda gross.”
“Fighting for all the women to have his name? Ick. it’s none of his business and you don’t owe him an explanation.”
“NTA, OP. Stand your ground, but I think you need to call out your husband. For f*ck’s sake, what decade is this‽‽” ~ sweetT333
“NTA. At all. It’s your name, no one gets to tell you what it should or shouldn’t be. I’d say if anyone is disrespecting other people’s names, it’s your FIL for not thinking your name is as good as his.”
“The fact that he was so rude in his expression of his opinion only further proves you are NTA for walking out and avoiding any more conflict, as most people would have done much worse.” ~ Fun_Effective6846
“Why doesn’t it bother you that your husband—his son—didn’t do anything to stop this verbal abuse the whole time? Or shut it down since then. He sounds like a huge a**hole to me, and a failure of a spouse.” ~ ThisIsTheTimeToRem
“It also wasn’t OP’s responsibility to break the news to her FIL and ask permission to keep her name.”
“If her husband thought this would be so traumatizing for his father, HE should have had a conversation with him.”
“And husband should have defended his wife against this attack.” ~ JazzyKnowsBest13
“NTA. This isn’t the 1950’s. You’re not chattel. You’re not required to take any name.”
“My wife didn’t. No one was offended.”
“This kind of thing stinks of patriarchy and toxic masculinity. He needs to wind his neck back in and be welcoming to his son’s spouse.” ~ old_motters
“NTA. When I got married, a middle manager at my work asked if they needed to change my name on my paperwork. Nope, didn’t change my name, all good.”
“He then told me he would never marry me if I wouldn’t change my name. But then he got pissy when I told him I would never marry him under any circumstances. The richest man in the world? Last man on Earth? Nope!” ~ DrMoneybeard
The OP did add:
“I have since talked to my husband, and he realized—belatedly—that he should have spoken up.”
If things with her in-laws are so tense, maybe it’s time to stop spending time with them or energy on them.
Don’t waste resources on people who don’t respect you.