We can all agree that if we go on a date with a person we like, and they don’t reciprocate our feelings, that really sucks.
But some people really go all-in on first dates, so when they get turned down, they take it really hard, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
In fact, it seemed that Redditor ImpressiveGene9677 had taken a failed first date so hard, she was still reading too much into it eight years later.
But when her concerns about that date started to ruin her chances of getting married, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if it was time to let it go.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting my soon-to-be brother-in-law (BIL) at my wedding?”
The OP had been disappointed years before when a first date didn’t work out.
“I (26 Female) am about to get married to my wonderful fiancé (28 Male). He and I have been together for five years, and our wedding is set to take place this spring.”
“For some backstory, when I was 18, I was on a date with a guy who was 18, too. We went out to dinner and I thought we had a really great time and really liked him.”
“After our date, I texted him telling him I had a great time and I would love to meet him again.”
“He just responded by telling me thanks, that he enjoyed our date but did not find a connection with me and would not want to see me anymore as he felt it would not be fair to me.”
“I really liked this guy and was heartbroken, but I moved in.”
That first date came back to haunt the OP when she met her husband’s family.
“Three years later, I met my now husband, but when I met him, I had no idea as to who he was.”
“We hit it off and clicked instantly and fell hard for each other.”
“It was not until six months later when I was at dinner with his family and his brother was there that I realized that his brother was the guy I went on a date with.”
“I explained this to my husband, and he was fine with it.”
“I also messaged his brother telling him I did not know they were related in any way but that I really liked his brother and would like it if he did not let our past together disturb my relationship.”
“He responded by telling us that we were all good.”
The OP was repeatedly bothered by how her future brother-in-law treated her.
“However, he has continually flirted with me. When we meet him for dinner, he always flirts, saying stuff like telling me my dress looks nice, that I look great, or telling me a specific thing on the menu looks like something I would like.”
“He always does this in front of my husband who has not said a word about this.”
“He also tries to make me jealous all the time, like when we all are out with his family, he sometimes brings a girl with him if they have been dating for some time, and he will always kiss her on the cheek, talk with her all the time, and flirt with her in front of me.”
The OP finally spoke up about it.
“I have kept my mouth shut about this so as to not cause anything bad between him and my fiancé, but with wedding planning and sending out invites, I just had to say something.”
“I told him I didn’t want his brother there because his brother always flirts with me and tries to make me jealous.”
“My fiancé looked dumbfounded and asked when this happens and if his brother does this stuff when he is in the bathroom or simply not looking.”
“I told him no and brought up all the things I did here.”
“My fiancé laughed and asked me if I was okay in the head and if I was joking.”
“I got angry at him and said that if he could not see how truly disgusting his brother’s behavior is, then he is not who I thought he was.”
The argument caused a huge fallout.
“We have barely talked since this.”
“I got a text from his brother, saying that he was sorry if he ever made me feel uncomfortable and that he had no intention to make me feel that way.”
“My fiancé is still mad at me.”
“Was I really the a**hole for this? I just want my happiest day to be my happiest day, and it can’t be that if I have to worry about his brother doing something.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought it was obvious that the OP was still really into her future husband’s brother.
“YTA. You should not be getting married to anyone since you’re still hung up on a dude you went on a date with eight years ago.” – HardKnocksSam
“Suggesting a menu item is flirting? Him paying attention to his girlfriend in front of you to make you jealous? Your fiancé knows his brother better than you ever will, and if he sees nothing, there’s nothing there.”
“Do you really think you should be getting married when you’re clearly hung up on another man?” – Mereadsalot
“I was waiting for the part where she said her future BIL is a total jerk and rude to her or something, but nope, he’s being a ‘flirt’ for being a decent human being and is going out of his to make her ‘jealous’ by dating other girls.”
“Someone needs help if she thinks he’s a jerk for doing this or that she’s not the AH for blowing this up. I’d be rethinking the marriage, too, if I was her fiance and questioning whether she actually cares for me or my brother who she seems so hung up on.” – Defiant_McPiper
“Heartbroken after one date! Really?! Get a grip girl. You’re still hung up on the brother – the one that got away? – not fair on the fiancé you’re supposedly crazy about… YTA.” – SherbertCapable6645
“She’s obviously still hung up on the brother. She’s the one who’s jealous when he kisses his girlfriend. She wants him to be flirting with her. I think she knew he was the brother. It’s creepy.” – Thunderoad
“I gave you a pass on the heartbroken after one date thing because you were 18, just barely an adult, and when young you feel things so strongly.”
“And when you mentioned him flirting I thought, ‘That could happen,’ thinking of so many stories and people I’ve met who are only interested in what isn’t theirs (and drop it once they get it).”
“Then I got to the part where you think him flirting and being affectionate with his date is him trying to make you jealous… Madame. Come the entire f**k on.”
“YTA. And you should probably get your head out of your a** and start trying some damage control. I know I wouldn’t want to marry someone who seems to be hung up on my sibling.” – SirenSingsOfDoom
“I really don’t think you’re going to be getting married. If a bunch of internet strangers are all getting the exact same vibe from what YOU yourself wrote in your post… that you are clearly hung up on the BIL, or certainly giving that impression… then your fiancé is going to reach that same conclusion.”
“This is wild that you’ve waited all these years, to the point of your wedding, to attempt to petty point score at a man who rejected you. He literally told you he wasn’t attracted to you and didn’t want to date you and yet you have convinced yourself that he is flirting with you and trying to make you jealous… nope… he definitely isn’t… why would he?”
“Even his bro cannot see this flirting that you have fantasized. He told you he didn’t like you that way… you need some therapy as you genuinely have not handled the rejection well.”
“Honey, he’s just not that into you.” – Historical-Peach6945
“I have read the whole story. YTA. Your future BIL was not flirting, nor was he trying to make you jealous. Also, BIL giving you compliments is not flirting. It is him being nice and treating you as a family member.”
“If you think that BIL having partners is all to make you jealous, and friendly compliments are him flirting, then you likely should not be getting married and should seek a therapist.”
“FBIL is living his life and trying to be friendly, and you obviously are still hung up about that one date that you seem to have taken a personal offense to because he was not interested in you.”
“You should read ‘He’s Just Not That Into You,’ because the dude made it clear eight years ago. He is not interested in you as a partner. He does not care to establish a romantic relationship, and I am pretty sure if you had never met your now fiancè, he would not be in your life, at least not willingly.”
“Your now partner has every right to be p**sed and I would not be surprised if he is thinking of calling off the wedding.”
“You need to apologize and find a therapist.” – kokoda_kodiak
Others agreed and did not understand what the OP was so upset about.
“‘He also tries to make me jealous all the time, like when we all are out with his family he sometimes brings a girl with him if they have been dating for some time and he will always kiss her on the cheek, talk with her all the time and flirting with her.’ YTA. Sounds like you ARE jealous.” – TapeDeckSlick
“YTA. You were heartbroken after one date? You are making so much more than it actually is. You still seem to be the same teenager you were a few years ago. This is high school crap.”
“Apologize to your fiance and future-brother-in-law, or you may not get married at all. Who wants this sh!t happening at every family gathering?” – PokerQuilter
“Wait, BIL talks to his date consistently in your presence? He flirts with his date? He kisses his date on the cheek in front of you? ON THE CHEEK?!?!?”
“Oh, my goodness the audacity of that man! He took you out eight years ago and acts this way?”
“Where is my fainting couch? I must fan myself and clutch my pearls.”
“YTA.” – SolarPerfume
“He actually did the right and polite thing and gently told her there was no connection so he didn’t want to string her along. It was one date and she was heartbroken?! OP is YTA big time.” – Lindsayr28
“YTA. You’re reading more into his actions because you didn’t get over him. He isn’t flirting with you. He’s being nice.”
“He isn’t trying to make you jealous. Kissing someone on the cheek and flirting with who he is actually dating is perfectly normal. It has nothing to do with you. You’re just jealous.” – QueasyReveal4674
“Well… I hate to tell you, but you certainly aren’t over it. YTA.”
“Him flirting with and kissing his date is him being appropriate with his date, not him ‘trying to make you jealous.’ If you are getting jealous over it, that’s a you issue, not a him issue.”
“As to the rest of it; compliments aren’t exclusively flirting, generally it’s just someone being nice. He’s trying to make you feel welcome in the family… instead, you are nuking their family because you never got over a perfectly gentlemanly rejection. If you were ‘heartbroken’ after one date, you went in way too hard.”
“You need to get over it or not get married and then have to get over THAT.” – RoxasofsorrowXIII
“YTA. You have main character syndrome. The dude isn’t interested in you. He’s just being nice and living his life. Being so egocentric and self-obsessed in your life can’t be healthy.” – Hekigan-Mikaboshi
The subReddit could not stop rolling their eyes over this post or the concerns that the OP had raised about her future brother-in-law’s behavior.
It was clear to all the fellow Redditors that she was struggling to let go of those first-date feelings and was reading far too much into all of his behaviors.
Hopefully, she’d be able to work through all of these feelings so that her wedding could still happen, because if she was having this hard of a time getting over a failed first date, who knows how long it would take to get over a canceled wedding date.