Honeymoons are one-in-a-lifetime vacations for a happy couple to enjoy alone, right?
For Redditor Mammoth-Blackberry74, not necessarily.
In fact the original poster (OP) pled their case on subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
They asked,
"AITA for agreeing to go on a family vacation in place of our honeymoon?"
They went on to explain.
"Some quick background facts: My family and family friends of ours go on vacation together every year."
"This has been a tradition since I was maybe eleven years old and I'm now 27. Each year, my parents and the other family's parents alternate who plans and pays for the vacation."
"This year is our family friends' turn."
"I'm getting married in just a few weeks. We were planning on going on our honeymoon towards the end of the year but haven't put specific plans in place yet."
"I work for my dad and can pretty much get off whenever I'd like but she only has so much PTO, so we're trying to be strategic with our plans."
"I told everyone I would likely have to skip the vacation this year because of my fiancée's work situation and our honeymoon."
"Last week, my "bonus dad" came to me and told me he had booked a room for me and my girlfriend was more than welcome to come along too if she changed her mind, but that he was insistent on the family being together for the trip."
"Honestly, there's nothing that can beat the vacations we take. The places are great and the company is even greater."
"My sister is so busy these days and lives out of state, so I get to catch up with her. The family we travel with has three sons who are some of my closest friends."
"Beyond all of that, you can't really beat an all expenses paid holiday.
"I told my fiancée about this and she's very angry I didn't immediately shut it down."
"I told her that we weren't required to constantly do family activities and this could easily serve as part one to our honeymoon."
"We haven't started planning so there's no real plans to derail, and we can have our actual honeymoon as a first anniversary celebration since we weren't planning on going right after our wedding anyway."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"YTA"
"The correct response was 'I don't know, let me check with my fiancée first, since we haven't set a date for the the honeymoon yet.'"
"You need to pick your fiancée (who IS your family now) over your natal family. If you can't do that, don't marry her, for her sake." - AceyAceyAcey
"YTA,"
"No, the correct response would have been 'No' or 'I don't know. Let me think about it.' Then consult your fiancee."
"If you fiancee says 'No', don't tell your dad she said 'No', just say 'I thought about it. And no, I don't want to do that.'"
"In other words, don't make your fiancee the bad guy. Show a unified front and be her shield against your parents, just like you'd hope she would be your shield against her own parents."
"And it's perfectly normal to have your own honeymoon, away from family and away from the in-laws."
"To the OP, if the situation had been reversed, would you feel comfortable going on your honeymoon with your in-laws?"
"No, right? At least, I wouldn't, and I don't care if the in-laws owned their own private jet or their own private 1000' yatch, if anything the power imbalance would make things worse."
"In-laws are a cross between perfect strangers and older people who won't respect your boundaries. Why would anyone want to share their honeymoon with their in-laws?"
"And if she doesn't want to spend time with them, what is she supposed to do when you're with them? Stay in her room while you take a day-trip with your family?"
"Stay in her room while you eat with them? Or bite her tongue and pretend that she's enjoying the 'honeymoon'?"
"And where does this end exactly?"
"Will your family have a key to your place (because they helped pay for it)? Will your family dictate where you spend your holidays? Will your family decide how your kids are raised and where they go to school?"
"No, it's time for you to be your own man." - DeclutteringNewbie
"YTA. If you can't figure out that you should be including your fiancé in the honeymoon plans and that it should be something you decide together, then you're not ready to get married." - morgaine125
"YTA. And so is your bonus dad. He actually had the audacity of inviting your FIANCÉ to join the families on HER honeymoon lol"
"Grow up. Or marry your family" - Repulsive-Positive30
"YTA. You are saying to your fiancee that your family and your personal happiness is more important than your marriage." - angiehome2023
"YTA for what everyone's saying: you shouldn't have agreed, you didn't let your finacee have a say, you just assumed her PTO time was better spent on a family vacation for you, you can go one year without this trip to do something romantic with your new wife."
"But also: it's kind of odd that your bonus dad was totally okay with her not coming but 'insisting' that you come."
"That's a weird thing for a family member to say, 'your new wife doesn't have to go but you absolutely should'." - painted_unicorn
"YTA. My dude. What part of you thought that (1) there was any appropriate response to this other than "let me check with my soon-to-be wife" or"
"(2) your soon-to-be wife would be even remotely cool with turning your HONEYMOON into a family vacation with only your family?"
"These are not rhetorical questions."
"I actually want you to verbalize that thought process for Reddit because I can't imagine that a lightbulb wouldn't go off in your head with a Bart Simpson "D'OH!" noise accompanying it." - Fifty_Shades_of_Nay
"YTA and a lot. A honeymoon is supposed to be you and your new spouse getting to enjoy each other's company only."
"You went and ruined that experience with your family vacation. You made a once in a lifetime experience second to your family's wishes." - dwotw
"YTA. What is wrong with you??? I hope she dumps you."
"Go on vacation with your sister. Your wife can do better." - BentBent12
"YTA because you know she has limited PTO and you agreeing to go on this trip means she'll either have to skip it or have a shorter honeymoon."
"Not a great start to married life" - CrystalQueen3000
"It's cool that your family and family friends do vacations every year or whatever, but you're about to be married and you can't even put into consideration your fiancée and her life."
"You expect her to just go along with your plans and traditions, talking about 'we can have our honeymoon as our first year anniversary celebration.'"
"That's not a honeymoon anymore. That's an anniversary. Going on vacation with other people isn't a honeymoon, either."
"And you said she only has so much PTO."
"So if she uses her PTO on your family/friend vacation, is she going to have to do that again next year and forgo another couple's trip to appease you and go to these annual vacations?"
"YTA"
"Edit: OP got me f****cked up talking about "bonus daddy" wanting OP to get back with his son LMAO YTA x 100000" - doggomother
"'Honestly, there's nothing that can beat the vacations we take. The places are great and the company is even greater..... Beyond all of that, you can't really beat an all expenses paid holiday.'"
"You do know what the purpose of a honeymoon is, don't you? Most would say it trumps what you're laying out here. You just told your future wife where your priorities are and she wasn't the main one."
"YTA." - Dittoheadforever
"YTA. It's your honeymoon, a special moment between you and your new wife. Not a family event and not a joint vacation. Get your priorities straight." - Dinosaur_Doctor
"AGREEING? YTA."
"But the important piece of information here? Is that your fiancé is pissed. So shut it down."
"I can understand her feelings. I hope you can too. Act accordingly. Because that's where your bread is buttered." - dekebasswood
"INFO: Sincerely Op, do you love this woman or do you think it's time you start a family?"
"You don't write one kind thing about her here or even mention how much you love her. You're creating a new family, new traditions, new vacations."
"Honestly, it doesn't seem like you're ready to really combine your worlds or create a new one with your fiancé who you don't even call your fiancé in your post."
"It just seems like she's there, you'll get married, but life and vacations will more be on your terms rather than being excited about the new life you're building together."
"Also, are you sure you're over your ex? I get the feeling he's one of your favorite people and if you could spend more time with him you would."
"Let me guess, he understands you like no one else, your fiancé and he are a little at odds. He's the person you turn to for comfort."
"OP, do you even really like women? As people not just romantically."
"All the people you praise in your writing have been men and it just seems like you don't even like your fiancé as a person, she's just a means to a child."
"YTA OP, to yourself and your partner. You're not ready or willing to build a separate life together." - Big_Vacation715
Best wishes to the OP's fiancée.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.