Content Warning: Child loss, Miscarriage
Weddings are incredibly stressful to plan and execute, and sometimes people start to behave differently under the pressure.
In fact, a lot of people wind up being exposed for who they really are during their wedding season, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor RiskCurious7230 was appalled by his new daughter-in-law’s behavior throughout her wedding, particularly toward his daughter who was struggling with her pregnancy.
When he realized how uncomfortable all of his adult children were with their new sister-in-law, the Original Poster (OP) decided not to invite her to future family activities.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my Daughter-in-Law she showed us who she really was on her wedding day?”
The OP was appalled by his daughter-in-law’s behavior at her wedding.
“I’m the father of four children. In May, my son Neil got married to Debbie.”
“Debbie acted terribly the whole day. She was straight-up entitled and an embarrassment.”
Debbie shamed her sister-in-law for showing in her bridesmaid’s dress.
“My oldest daughter was three months pregnant and hadn’t told anyone because she has already had one miscarriage. She was barely showing, and Debbie picked a tight-fitting bridesmaid dress.”
“My daughter was super sick from morning sickness and Debbie told her she looked disgusting and stop taking attention off of her.”
There were also issues with seating arrangements.
“My son, who was the Best Man to the groom (his brother), had his wife seated with some cousins across the room at the reception and not at the family table because she wasn’t immediate family.”
“We did not know this until the reception and tried to have her moved back with our table, and Debbie said no; it’s her day.”
“It caused a fight and the best man just left before the reception because his wife was snubbed.”
Then there were more problems between Debbie and her sister-in-law.
“A few days after the wedding, my daughter miscarried again while Debbie and Neil were on their honeymoon.”
“Debbie felt like that was attention-seeking.”
The OP decided to exclude Debbie and Neil from a family event.
“My wife, children, and spouses normally rent a house by the beach for Labor Day, and because of continued bad blood between Debbie and the rest of the family, they aren’t invited.”
“All three of my other children basically said if Debbie comes, they aren’t going. So Debbie and Neil got the axe.”
“When Neil asked about it, I told him, ‘Debbie showed us who she really was on her wedding day and shouldn’t expect many invites from the rest of the family to do things.'”
“Neil was p**sed and said it was not fair that she is feeling left out because she saw on social media that all the girls (including the snubbed sister-in-law, her mother, and my wife) went to the ‘Barbie’ movie dressed in pink and she felt left out.”
“Now he has to tell her she can’t go to the annual beach vacation and she’s feeling hurt.”
The situation escalated.
“I told him not one person in the family wants Debbie there and I’m sorry that she can’t come.”
“My son had me on speaker and Debbie started crying, saying she can’t believe how horrible we are and that she wasn’t going to go anyways.”
“She then said don’t expect to see her at Thanksgiving or Christmas ever again.”
“I lost my temper with Debbie, and I told her the rest of the family would be relieved to hear that.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought Debbie’s behavior was disgusting and insensitive.
“NTA. It takes a truly awful person to tell a mother who has just had her second baby die to ‘stop seeking attention.'” – DreamingOfRyleh
“NTA, and if I were part of your family, I’d be thrilled to hear that I wouldn’t see her again at any more family gatherings.”
“I’m sorry, your daughter miscarried and Debbie thought that was attention seeking? When I tell you my jaw dropped…”
“Does Neil know all the details of how Debbie acted on her wedding day and after? Because there are more than enough reasons to not want her around. Does he think you and the rest of the family are being mean for no reason?” – ChordStrike
“NTA. She owes people about 200 sincere apologies before there should be any consideration of inviting her to another family gathering.”
“She sounds absolutely awful, and you don’t have to put up with her terrible behavior just because she’s family by marriage.” – Allaboutbird
“NTA. The wedding wasn’t ‘her day’; it was about them as a couple. This behavior didn’t just happen at the wedding, she had to have been like this for a long time. Something should have been said sooner by her husband.” – Lindseyh911
“NTA. Congratulations, you can now celebrate the holidays in peace and quiet.”
“The only thing I could fault you is trying to change the sitting arrangement, but who the h**l places a couple separately, so I’m giving you a pass on that, too.” – Magician_In_Black
“The worst part is that this stigmatizes miscarriage further. Having experienced two miscarriages, I always worry people think I’m being attention-seeking if I talk about it at all.”
“It’s s**t, it’s the worst thing, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I really hope the rest of the family is supporting her through this time.”
“Debbie is honestly a heartless a**hole, and I feel like Neil is in for one h**l of a time. NTA.” – Herps15
“Ah, yes, those babies you get and then miscarriage just to spite your SIL… (OBVIOUSLY SARCASM.)”
“If she really thinks someone is ‘attention seeking’ when they just had a miscarriage, they suffer from serious main character syndrome!”
“NTA. She doesn’t own self-reflection or empathy. Good riddance.” – DancingInHyrens
“NTA.”
“Debbie is horrid. I get being stressed, but mistreating people and then complaining that something totally out of someone’s control happens to them days after your wedding is attention-seeking?! How disgusting.”
“The table thing is the only thing I could kind of understand as typically the bridal party is at a table separate from others including spouses. I’ve only attended one wedding where the spouses of the bridal party were included at the head table.”
“But aside from that specific thing, you don’t get to treat people poorly and expect those people will still welcome you with open arms.” – crysseylee90
Others thought the OP was the AH for waiting so long to speak up.
“I am saying YTA. Yes, she behaved poorly at the wedding. However, she is married to your son. You cut her out from your family directly. So you probably won’t see your son again or your future grandkids.”
“You should have tried talking to her and giving her another chance. Now there is no way to fix the relationship.” – Isabelsedai
“This family seems to have communication problems and Debbie fits right in. OP silently voting Neil and Debbie off the island; OP only confessing said vote upon outreach from Neil; Neil having the call on speaker phone…”
“Healthy communication looks like, ‘Hey, that thing you did, I felt really hurt. Can we talk about it? I value you and want to trust you with my feelings because I know you value me too.'”
“YTA, and really the whole family is the AH, too.” – auracorn
“YTA. Yes, she did a terrible thing. Many brides go crazy around their wedding and you did not in any way establish that this has been a pattern of behavior. Instead, you picked an extraordinary day and used that to pass judgment on her character.”
“The comment on the miscarriage was terrible. Everyone involved should be p**sed about this. However, you massively escalated this to potentially life-long consequences.”
“At most, you should have said that we aren’t going to deal with you right now because you steepled but to turn it into a forever thing. Seems like no one has better cross you on anything or they are in the dog house forever and can never have a bad day.”
“If this is her character on a normal day and this was the last straw, then you would be justified but with no evidence of such YTA and so is she. There are no winners here.” – PunkRockDude
“While Debbie’s behavior is embarrassing, YTA as you waited until the day of your son’s wedding to blow up the family!”
“Surely there were signs you ignored, and if not, and this was a once-off, then man, YTA times a million! This is the way you want your son to start a life with his wife and add this stress.”
“I don’t care if you hate Debbie but think of your son. You’re a selfish a**hat for doing this to him.”
“If you were the piece keeper, then you say it was a bad moment in a stressful situation and perhaps she didn’t know how to act. Maybe you privately take her aside and explain how you and the family felt.”
“Instead, you threw gasoline on the fire and then jet fuel!”
“SMH (Shaking My Head).” – ccString972
“YTA, and I can see what the rest of your family is like. Good on Neil for seeing it now so he can walk away and start his new life with Debbie worry-free.” – Drakkensong1
The subReddit was about as divided over this issue as the OP’s family seemed to be, with some agreeing with the OP in being totally horrified by Debbie’s apathetic behavior toward her sister-in-law, and others wondering if the OP was looking to create drama during the wedding.
No matter who was right in this matter, it is interesting that the OP didn’t voice his concerns about the marriage until the day of the wedding and that Debbie shaming her sister-in-law was the first bad behavior he had to reference. It seems like Debbie’s behavior should have been obvious being this and escalated up to this point if the OP was really going to push the couple aside.