Gifts come in all shapes and sizes, but there really only seem to be two kinds of people when it comes to receiving them: those who love getting gifts and those who are incredibly uncomfortable, if not suspicious, about getting them.
Trying to put these two types of gift receivers into a relationship, or even family, can be messy, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Icy_Instruction2768 was aware that her son was dating a very wealthy woman, and she was pleased by the relationship they were developing.
But when her son’s girlfriend got her an expensive purse for her birthday, the Original Poster (OP) was incredibly touched.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for accepting and refusing to return a gift from my son’s girlfriend?”
The OP really liked her son’s new girlfriend.
“My son (Male 23) is five months into dating his girlfriend (f22). She’s a complete delight to be around and I think we’ve bonded quite a bit despite the short time we’ve known each other.”
“Now I have to mention here that she’s very rich. My son estimates that the money she gets from her parents every month is the same as his yearly income.”
“My son has expressed to me several times that he’s worried it might look like he’s only dating her for her money, so he’s been really strict about things like paying his share of things and not accepting expensive gifts from her.”
The OP didn’t feel able to honor her son’s boundary during her birthday celebration.
“Yesterday was my birthday and his girlfriend got me a very expensive designer handbag that I’d mentioned being excited by months ago even though I could never afford it on my own.”
“A long time ago, I was telling her about a bag I planned to save up for and she said, ‘Why not this one?’ and I found it so perfect and raved about it.”
“Of course, I knew it was outrageously expensive, so I just said, ‘Some day maybe.'”
“I’m so touched that she remembered a short comment I made so long ago.”
The OP’s son was furious with her for accepting the gift.
“I told my son about it and he became so angry at me, and said he’s had to refuse so many gifts, outings and vacation plans since they’ve been dating because he can’t stand her thinking he’s into her money, and here I am, happily accepting the first gift she’s got me.”
“He demanded that I return it immediately or I’ll disturb the dynamic of their relationship.”
“I refused and told him it’s such a thoughtful gift even not considering the price and she’d be hurt if I returned it.”
“Now he’s saying I’m greedy and don’t care that I’m making him out to look like a gold digger whose family is happy to mooch off her.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the girlfriend was really sweet to remember the purse.
“It was so, so thoughtful when someone remembers an offhand remark. I made an offhand post being disappointed in not finding a new ornament for my tree this last year and a friend sent me a really cool dinosaur one. It was totally an offhand thing and I was so, so touched. It wasn’t expensive but it was thoughtful.”
“Even though this was expensive it was so thoughtful. Your son is a jerk. NTA. He can set his limits but you’re not bound by his self-imposed limitations. It’s not like you asked for her to get it.” – gelseyd
“It’s not the gift as such, it’s the thought behind it. The girlfriend remembered OP’s brief comment about how much she liked the item, and she was being thoughtful.”
“I love any gift with genuine thought behind it. It means SO much more.” – BeautyGoesToBenidorm
“I think it’s so sweet she did that for you. I think it’s more insulting to give it back. She spent the money because she wanted to, not because you asked her.”
“What did he want you to do? Say no? Then what, she bought a nice expensive gift and now has to either return it or keep it and be out the money? NTA.” – Owl_Kitty88
“NTA.”
“The OP said, ‘Yesterday was my birthday and his girlfriend got me a very expensive designer handbag that I’d mentioned being excited by months ago.'”
“You’re right. It was a nice thing for her to remember and do. She’s clearly a kind and thoughtful person. I don’t think you should return her gift.”
“I also get where your son is coming from re his boundaries. That’s for him and her to negotiate/navigate. He’ll need to do that if he wants the relationship to go the distance.”
“Your gift isn’t part of that process though. Enjoy it the way I’m sure she intended you to.” – Apart-Ad-6518
Others agreed and urged the OP’s son to get a grip before ruining the relationship.
“NTA, homeboy needs to get over himself. GF did something nice of her own free will that you happened to be the beneficiary of. Not like you’re the one dating her. He can refuse all the gifts he wants if that’s what makes him feel better, but it’s not his place to tell someone else what they can or cannot accept.”
“Plus, it’s not weird to give your significant other’s parents a gift on their birthday. Maybe her tact could have been a little better, like it would be weird if she had no idea your son was trying so hard not to be seen as a mooch, but like it’s her money and she can do what she wants with it.”
“If you feel like you need to make things “right” for your son, maybe tell the GF that you really appreciate it and love the bag, but it makes you uncomfortable to receive such a lavish gift and if she’s going to give gifts to family members in the future, you’d feel a lot better if she didn’t put herself out quite so much.” – MutatedSpleen
“At this rate, he’s probably going to self-sabotage the relationship when she wants to go places (and is willing to pay for him) and he’s unwilling to do it because he can’t afford it on his own.” – thehawkishawk
“NTA.”
“I get where he’s coming from, but the dude needs to chill a bit with the ‘I’m not a golddigger’ thing because it’s going to become a huge problem.”
“Couples do things for one another like buy gifts. If he denies his girlfriend that opportunity just because he’s worried about appearances, that’s going to be an issue. If he tries to enforce that same mentality on others, like he’s doing right now, he’s going to hurt even more relationships.” – Abstruse
“NTA.”
“He’s clearly feeling insecure about making/having less money than her. That said, I understand he’d want to not come off as looking like a good digger. Good on him for that. You’re clearly not being a good digger, however.”
“It seems his girlfriend likes spoiling a little bit, maybe that’s her way of showing affection/care/love. Has he spoken to the girlfriend about why she does this? Maybe they can set up some fair rules around gift giving for the future (amounts, how many, etc).”
“I’m a gift giver/spoiler too, within my means of course, but her means seem much larger than most of ours.”
“Enjoy the bag!” – Fickle_Pickle_3452
“Your son’s paranoia and insecurity are going to wave a red flag with her. He needs to chill.”
“Whatever he’s trying to absolve himself from in terms of ‘gold-digging’, the constant rejection of gifts and thoughtful gestures is likely to cause its own problems in the relationship. And there’s no need for you to buy into his strange self-imposed restrictions. NTA.” – Daft_Vaper
But some were worried that the OP was fishing for gifts from her son’s girlfriend.
“YTA. Whatever you or anyone thinks about how your son’s dealing with the money thing. The point is, it’s HIS relationship and HIS call, and you should defer to his wishes on how to deal with your possible eventual DIL, even if you disagree. Especially for now.”
“Would it be weird to give back the gift? Well, I think we all agree with you on that, given the situation, but the point is your relationship with your son and honoring how he wishes to handle this aspect of his relationship.”
“I’d suggest validating his point of view and wishes, and suggest that in this instance, giving it back might makes things worse, but that you’ll be careful and mindful going forward. Let him know you respect his wishes on this.”
“Then you could suggest that maybe you say something to her to the effect that you are so grateful for such a thoughtful gift, but going forward you’d be so pleased to receive a more modest gift from her because it’s the thought that counts. The big point is, let your son call the shots here.”
“And not for nothing, I don’t think your son is crazy, and I can see why it’s a bit tacky to accept an extravagant gift from your son’s girlfriend by gushing over it, without highlighting that it’s the thought that counts and you’d like a more modest gesture. But the overriding point is to defer to your son on this.” – JustSaying0000
“This is common etiquette. I truly don’t understand the ethics chiming in on this issue. I would add that the young girlfriend would better observe etiquette not to lavish gifts on family members of a (relatively new) boyfriend.”
“All these Redditors are expressing an extreme viewpoint, not characteristic of most people, by saying it’s just different for rich people and that they should spend away, and that we normies should just lap it up when richies ‘share’ their wealth, and if we don’t, we’re insecure. That’s absurd.”
“It is normal and healthy to try to keep money matters equal among friends/significant others (at least until a track record of closeness is established) and not to encourage and revel in spending disparities. It is a baseline matter of character and good manners. What’s with people around here!” – Ziggy0511
“You’re not really the AH if it was a, ‘Oooo, that bag is cute’ when walking past something at the mall, but if you purposefully brought up the bag knowing she’s rich…”
“Just keep in mind that your son might decide to go low contact with you when he’s with his girlfriend so that it doesn’t happen again.” – Blue_Cloud_2000
“NTA for now.”
“You will be a massive one if you make it a habit of mentioning expensive things you could not afford and expect/hope she goes and buys it for you. You would be a gold digger and a very bad parent who selfishly puts their own desires over their kid’s relationship.”
“Also, have a conversation with her expressing your gratitude but that you like her for her, not her gifts” – Rohini_rambles
The subReddit couldn’t help but roll their eyes a little at how concerned the OP’s son was about appearances and how the OP accepting a birthday gift could make her son look like a gold digger.
More than likely, the OP’s son needed to loosen up a little bit and accept a chance to have fun with his girlfriend before she decided to date someone a little more adventurous and trusting.