Gifts come in all shapes and sizes, but there really only seem to be two kinds of people when it comes to receiving them: those who love getting gifts and those who are incredibly uncomfortable, if not suspicious, about getting them.
Trying to put these two types of gift receivers into a relationship, or even family, can be messy, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Icy_Instruction2768 was aware that her son was dating a very wealthy woman, and she was pleased by the relationship they were developing.
But when her son's girlfriend got her an expensive purse for her birthday, the Original Poster (OP) was incredibly touched.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for accepting and refusing to return a gift from my son's girlfriend?"
The OP really liked her son's new girlfriend.
"My son (Male 23) is five months into dating his girlfriend (f22). She's a complete delight to be around and I think we've bonded quite a bit despite the short time we've known each other."
"Now I have to mention here that she's very rich. My son estimates that the money she gets from her parents every month is the same as his yearly income."
"My son has expressed to me several times that he's worried it might look like he's only dating her for her money, so he's been really strict about things like paying his share of things and not accepting expensive gifts from her."
The OP didn't feel able to honor her son's boundary during her birthday celebration.
"Yesterday was my birthday and his girlfriend got me a very expensive designer handbag that I'd mentioned being excited by months ago even though I could never afford it on my own."
"A long time ago, I was telling her about a bag I planned to save up for and she said, 'Why not this one?' and I found it so perfect and raved about it."
"Of course, I knew it was outrageously expensive, so I just said, 'Some day maybe.'"
"I'm so touched that she remembered a short comment I made so long ago."
The OP's son was furious with her for accepting the gift.
"I told my son about it and he became so angry at me, and said he's had to refuse so many gifts, outings and vacation plans since they've been dating because he can't stand her thinking he's into her money, and here I am, happily accepting the first gift she's got me."
"He demanded that I return it immediately or I'll disturb the dynamic of their relationship."
"I refused and told him it's such a thoughtful gift even not considering the price and she'd be hurt if I returned it."
"Now he's saying I'm greedy and don't care that I'm making him out to look like a gold digger whose family is happy to mooch off her."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the girlfriend was really sweet to remember the purse.
"It was so, so thoughtful when someone remembers an offhand remark. I made an offhand post being disappointed in not finding a new ornament for my tree this last year and a friend sent me a really cool dinosaur one. It was totally an offhand thing and I was so, so touched. It wasn't expensive but it was thoughtful."
"Even though this was expensive it was so thoughtful. Your son is a jerk. NTA. He can set his limits but you're not bound by his self-imposed limitations. It's not like you asked for her to get it." - gelseyd
"It's not the gift as such, it's the thought behind it. The girlfriend remembered OP's brief comment about how much she liked the item, and she was being thoughtful."
"I love any gift with genuine thought behind it. It means SO much more." - BeautyGoesToBenidorm
"I think it's so sweet she did that for you. I think it's more insulting to give it back. She spent the money because she wanted to, not because you asked her."
"What did he want you to do? Say no? Then what, she bought a nice expensive gift and now has to either return it or keep it and be out the money? NTA." - Owl_Kitty88
"NTA."
"The OP said, 'Yesterday was my birthday and his girlfriend got me a very expensive designer handbag that I'd mentioned being excited by months ago.'"
"You're right. It was a nice thing for her to remember and do. She's clearly a kind and thoughtful person. I don't think you should return her gift."
"I also get where your son is coming from re his boundaries. That's for him and her to negotiate/navigate. He'll need to do that if he wants the relationship to go the distance."
"Your gift isn't part of that process though. Enjoy it the way I'm sure she intended you to." - Apart-Ad-6518
Others agreed and urged the OP's son to get a grip before ruining the relationship.
"NTA, homeboy needs to get over himself. GF did something nice of her own free will that you happened to be the beneficiary of. Not like you're the one dating her. He can refuse all the gifts he wants if that's what makes him feel better, but it's not his place to tell someone else what they can or cannot accept."
"Plus, it's not weird to give your significant other's parents a gift on their birthday. Maybe her tact could have been a little better, like it would be weird if she had no idea your son was trying so hard not to be seen as a mooch, but like it's her money and she can do what she wants with it."
"If you feel like you need to make things "right" for your son, maybe tell the GF that you really appreciate it and love the bag, but it makes you uncomfortable to receive such a lavish gift and if she's going to give gifts to family members in the future, you'd feel a lot better if she didn't put herself out quite so much." - MutatedSpleen
"At this rate, he's probably going to self-sabotage the relationship when she wants to go places (and is willing to pay for him) and he's unwilling to do it because he can't afford it on his own." - thehawkishawk
"NTA."
"I get where he's coming from, but the dude needs to chill a bit with the 'I'm not a golddigger' thing because it's going to become a huge problem."
"Couples do things for one another like buy gifts. If he denies his girlfriend that opportunity just because he's worried about appearances, that's going to be an issue. If he tries to enforce that same mentality on others, like he's doing right now, he's going to hurt even more relationships." - Abstruse
"NTA."
"He's clearly feeling insecure about making/having less money than her. That said, I understand he'd want to not come off as looking like a good digger. Good on him for that. You're clearly not being a good digger, however."
"It seems his girlfriend likes spoiling a little bit, maybe that's her way of showing affection/care/love. Has he spoken to the girlfriend about why she does this? Maybe they can set up some fair rules around gift giving for the future (amounts, how many, etc)."
"I'm a gift giver/spoiler too, within my means of course, but her means seem much larger than most of ours."
"Enjoy the bag!" - Fickle_Pickle_3452
"Your son's paranoia and insecurity are going to wave a red flag with her. He needs to chill."
"Whatever he's trying to absolve himself from in terms of 'gold-digging', the constant rejection of gifts and thoughtful gestures is likely to cause its own problems in the relationship. And there's no need for you to buy into his strange self-imposed restrictions. NTA." - Daft_Vaper
But some were worried that the OP was fishing for gifts from her son's girlfriend.
"YTA. Whatever you or anyone thinks about how your son's dealing with the money thing. The point is, it's HIS relationship and HIS call, and you should defer to his wishes on how to deal with your possible eventual DIL, even if you disagree. Especially for now."
"Would it be weird to give back the gift? Well, I think we all agree with you on that, given the situation, but the point is your relationship with your son and honoring how he wishes to handle this aspect of his relationship."
"I'd suggest validating his point of view and wishes, and suggest that in this instance, giving it back might makes things worse, but that you'll be careful and mindful going forward. Let him know you respect his wishes on this."
"Then you could suggest that maybe you say something to her to the effect that you are so grateful for such a thoughtful gift, but going forward you'd be so pleased to receive a more modest gift from her because it's the thought that counts. The big point is, let your son call the shots here."
"And not for nothing, I don't think your son is crazy, and I can see why it's a bit tacky to accept an extravagant gift from your son's girlfriend by gushing over it, without highlighting that it's the thought that counts and you'd like a more modest gesture. But the overriding point is to defer to your son on this." - JustSaying0000
"This is common etiquette. I truly don't understand the ethics chiming in on this issue. I would add that the young girlfriend would better observe etiquette not to lavish gifts on family members of a (relatively new) boyfriend."
"All these Redditors are expressing an extreme viewpoint, not characteristic of most people, by saying it's just different for rich people and that they should spend away, and that we normies should just lap it up when richies 'share' their wealth, and if we don't, we're insecure. That's absurd."
"It is normal and healthy to try to keep money matters equal among friends/significant others (at least until a track record of closeness is established) and not to encourage and revel in spending disparities. It is a baseline matter of character and good manners. What's with people around here!" - Ziggy0511
"You're not really the AH if it was a, 'Oooo, that bag is cute' when walking past something at the mall, but if you purposefully brought up the bag knowing she's rich..."
"Just keep in mind that your son might decide to go low contact with you when he's with his girlfriend so that it doesn't happen again." - Blue_Cloud_2000
"NTA for now."
"You will be a massive one if you make it a habit of mentioning expensive things you could not afford and expect/hope she goes and buys it for you. You would be a gold digger and a very bad parent who selfishly puts their own desires over their kid's relationship."
"Also, have a conversation with her expressing your gratitude but that you like her for her, not her gifts" - Rohini_rambles
The subReddit couldn't help but roll their eyes a little at how concerned the OP's son was about appearances and how the OP accepting a birthday gift could make her son look like a gold digger.
More than likely, the OP's son needed to loosen up a little bit and accept a chance to have fun with his girlfriend before she decided to date someone a little more adventurous and trusting.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp