Deciding to let someone move into your home temporarily is something that needs to be carefully considered and planned to avoid future conflicts.
A set timeline is ideal.
It can motivate people to meet their goals, knowing there's a move-out date pending.
A 50-year-old father of four is struggling with a houseguest of three years who has exceeded his patience.
So he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Hatetank49 asked:
"AITA for telling my daughter's boyfriend (BF) he has 30 days to move out of my house?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter (female, 21) and her BF (male, 24) have been living in my house, rent and utility free, since 2021. They literally have zero living expenses—they are completely off the hook for living expenses."
"He also works for me—gets 40 hours a week—and I give him rides to and from work. He is a huge gamer, so all of his internet is paid for."
"He bought a car—that doesn't run—as a project—which he took a loan out for $9K. He has a $12K computer rig."
"What set me off was he argues about everything."
"I have a work project that my team is responsible for. I asked for volunteers. The lead came up one short, so he asked my daughter's BF."
"He, of course , said no, he didn't need the overtime. I about lost it on the floor. I held it together, but at the end of the night, I just left him at work."
"I was standing next to the lead when he asked him. He told the lead no f*cking way he was coming in on Friday, he was going to be working on his car."
"Spoiler—he did not work on his car. Part of my anger was how he responded, which is disrespectful as hell, and I would say it is typical when he gets work assigned to him."
"It gets tiring. Really, really tiring."
"We had a project, and we started with volunteers. If we did not get enough, then someone was going to be told he had to come in. It hit me when he said he didn't need the money..."
"The leads where I work are beasts. If something needs done, or someone needs help, they jump in, including when daughter's BF asks for help. That is the frustrating part, it all seems to be one way."
"I decided I was done. His favorite phrase is 'not my problem'... so I childishly adopted that for anything to do with him. When I got home, I told my daughter he has 30 days to move out."
"She can go with him or stay; there is no ill will for her either way, and she will always be welcome in my home. But in 3 years of freeloading, I estimate they should have AT LEAST $30k saved up."
"I know how much he makes and how much she makes. I thought I was taking care of them, giving them some time to build up savings."
"I may be the a**hole because I'm kicking him out with such short notice and he has no savings, but I'm going with 'not my problem'."
"My guess is he either will find another job that pays more, or he will start taking the OT because he will have bills to pay."
"Or not. I do not care either way."
"We have had plenty of conversations about finances. I spend more time with him one-on-one than anyone in my household. We have 90 minutes a day together, four days a week, for years now, in a car."
"Only put in the employer match in your 401k until you are out of debt. He said he was saving for a car and an apartment. I had no reason to doubt him. Even with the rig and the non-working project car, he should have had some money saved up."
"He wanted to go to school for programming or web design. Great idea, but he took out a loan, started the course, and hasn't stuck with it. So that's another loan he has to pay off."
"He wanted to get a job near the house that paid $8 more an hour, I thought that was a great idea, and it would get him some independence. He either didn't get hired or truly didn't like the hours they were offering like he told me."
"He wanted to move closer to his parents—a few states away. I advised against that due to his upbringing, which he said was really abusive, and not wanting my daughter or any kids they may have around that."
"I don't care where else they move in the country, but that's the only thing I offered my opinion on."
"When he said no to the OT—that he didn't need the money—that's when it sunk in. Either he had the savings and was ready to move out, or he was never planning on leaving."
"I thought, why the hell am I coming in on my day off so he could sit home and play video games? So that was it, a switch was flipped."
"I can't care anymore."
"And the next day, he tracked me down—because I didn't wake him up and give him a ride in—and he asked for more time to find a place and let me know that they hadn't in fact been saving and he was not able—or willing?—to tell me where his savings had gone."
"I—my business—asked for help, and he said 'no, not my problem', which led me to question why exactly I was continuing to help him at all. Why can I not just decide that he is not my problem?"
"Why exactly am I obligated to take care of him? At what point does that obligation end? I gave him a place to stay, and I am now obligated in perpetuity. At what point will he ever leave?"
"It's time for him to go. I'm done dealing with him. He will make close to $50k this year working 4 days a week. I need 3 hours on 3 Fridays for which he would be compensated at time and a half."
"My other option is to tack on an extra hour at the end of each shift for everybody. The work has to get done. He is always free to find another job, but he knows he has it good here."
"As stated previously, I have 90 minutes of FaceTime with the guy every day during the commute. We talk daily. He knows exactly what I expect from him at work."
"He wanted to be a lead. He didn't get the job. I didn't even consider him. I told him why and what he had to do."
"I talked to other departments about taking him on, which two were willing to do because he does good work. He did not want one of the jobs because it was five days a week."
"He didn't want the other because it was 'a dead end job'. It paid 10k more than what he does now and was more mechanical, no lifting."
"Getting ahead in our work world is getting off the floor, away from the heavy lifting. Without an education, you get it by outworking the guys next to you."
"What he does now is grunt work. He's not the biggest guy, so at some point, his body will fail. Either his back or his shoulder."
"He wants more. He just doesn't want to have to work to get it."
"His other options in the area are in manufacturing. That is 6 to 7 days a week. That will kill his gaming schedule."
"Outside of work, he said he was saving money. He wanted a car before he moved out, and he wanted to be debt free. He has 20k in debt—his failed attempt at online schooling for programming, project car he hasn't worked on for 3 years, credit cards."
"I didn't ask for money from him because I do not need it. In hindsight, I should have taken it to give him motivation."
"I said he could move in with us and they could save up and get a car, or put money down on a house."
"For all his faults, he does treat [my daughter] well, and I do wish him the best because he is her partner. He did have an extremely rough upbringing, a lot of physical abuse, and I genuinely feel for the guy."
"He does work hard when he wants to, but he isn't consistent. At work, he receives mixed reviews from his coworkers. He is hard working but argumentative."
"I do have 3 other kids, one in med school, one in culinary school, and the youngest wants to be an engineer."
The OP added:
"My daughter and I are good. I actually let her know what I was going to do before I did it. I told her she could stay or go."
"She doesn't want to get in the middle of it, so I am not putting her in the middle. She needs a car for work, we have an old car she can use. He, however, may not use the car."
"He does have an old truck that he now has to drive to and from work and pay for the gas. It's a 45 minute drive to work. So now he has that weekly bill."
"He'll have rent in a month plus he'll absolutely have to find a place with the fastest internet because he games almost every waking second. Now he is free to say no at work, but my guess is he will not turn down the OT any longer."
"She's always welcome back and can still visit. She still gets to use one of our cars for work and I'll buy her some stuff for her new apartment. It's time for her to live her life."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I may be the a**hole because I am kicking my daughter's BF out of my house. He has 30 days, and he has no savings."
"Getting a place will be difficult. They are horrible at managing money. They may fail."
"My daughter feels obligated to go with him, which I am OK with, but the short notice is definitely making it harder on them than it needs to be."
"But if I don't put a time limit on them, I fear they will never leave."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA and not your problem. Kick the mooch out!" ~ Fluffy-Scheme7704
"NTA, he's an adult. Additionally, how do you spend $12k on a gaming rig?" ~ Deafening4594
"NTA, but I'd change the WiFi password until he vacates the premises." ~ Ruegurl
"NTA, definitely sounds like he needs to go." ~ mythrafae
"Nah, bro, no more favors. He's like curdled milk. Out he goes. Can't offer a ride. It hasn't made a difference in 3 years, probably won't now. He'll probably move home to his parents."
"Why is your daughter settling for this mess? She really think he's going to be an involved father? Take care of a home? Be a companion? Or be a leech?"
"Why do you let yourself be taken advantage of? You could have charged them both a modest rent and given it your kid as a down payment on a home for her."
"He sounds like a gaming addict. NTA." ~ Ipso-Pacto-Facto
"NTA. This will highlight if he is just using your daughter for a free ride and hopefully will free her from his idiocy." ~ Vast-Video-7701
"NTA and it should have been 'not your problem' long ago!" ~ dedpla
"NTA. He has a full-time job and no rent. If he doesn't have savings that's his problem to deal with." ~ WinEquivalent4069
While some focused on the question of working overtime, most focused on the OP's question.
Was it wrong to put an end to his daughter's boyfriend's free ride when it hasn't helped him meet any of his goals?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp