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Woman Livid After Husband Plans To Buy His Late Girlfriend’s Sister A House As A Wedding Gift

couple seated on couch arguing
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Survivor’s guilt is a response some people experience when they survive a traumatic event or situation that others did not. It can be associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety disorders, and complicated grief.

Survivor’s guilt often finds those who survive assuming culpability for the demise or harm suffered by others, even if they had minimal or no actual control over the circumstances that caused the traumatic event.

A wife who thinks her husband is suffering from survivor’s guilt turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

MerakiMist asked:

“AITA for telling my husband to stop spending so much money on his dead girlfriend’s younger sister?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“I (28, female) have been with my husband (34, male) for almost a decade. We have three children (6, female; 3, male; 2, female) together, and we are currently expecting our fourth child.”

“He is an amazing father to our kids and I couldn’t ask for a better husband.”

“He also has a very close friendship with his late girlfriend’s younger sister ‘Clara’ (20, female). 17 years ago, my husband’s girlfriend, who was also his childhood best friend, passed away at only 15 years-old, in an accident that my husband survived.”

“My husband has known Clara since she was a baby and he treats her like his own little sister. Her family had a lot of financial problems, while my husband has a very high earning career.”

“He says he felt guilty letting her struggle while he has all this money he doesn’t use. Clara’s home life was very dysfunctional, especially after her mom went to prison, and she views my husband as a kind of father figure.”

“He always attended her dance recitals, school plays, and sports events. He brings her along to our family vacations. She visits our place at least once a week, often staying overnight, and our guest bedroom has pretty much become her bedroom now.”

“He’s spend a lot of money on her. Any gift she wanted, he would buy for her no matter how much it cost, like electronics, jewelry and designer clothes.”

“He bought her a car for her 16th birthday, even when she hadn’t gotten her license yet. He paid for her to have custom made dresses for both of her proms.”

“He was extremely supportive of Clara during her pregnancy, paying for her daughter’s (3, female) expenses and helping Clara look after her. He paid for all her college tuition, school supplies, as well as her living costs.”

“Recently, Clara got engaged, and my husband told me he wanted to help pay for the wedding and buy her her own house as a wedding present. I said this was getting out of hand.”

“I understand that he feels guilty over surviving the accident that killed his girlfriend, but we’ve got a lot of expenses coming up with the new baby. He says he sees Clara as part of our family and he can afford to take care of her as well as our kids.”

“I said that it was sweet how much he cared about her, but he shouldn’t be prioritizing Clara’s needs over his actual family.”

“He says that he’s not taking care of her out of obligation or guilt, but because he’s developed a genuine bond with her, and there’s no reason he shouldn’t use his own wealth to help her out.”

“We’re doing good financially, but our youngest daughter was born with health issues that cost us a lot of money. I’m just worried about him spending too much on Clara, and not having enough in case of emergencies.”

“We also have to pay for our kids’ private schools and save up for their college tuition.”

“Clara wants a very over the top, extravagant, multi day wedding. My husband guesses it’s probably going to cost around 150k.”

“And that’s not even including the price of the house, which he plans to buy in an affluent area.”


The OP summed up their situation.

“I told my husband to stop spending so much money on his dead girlfriend’s younger sister after he said he would pay for her wedding and buy her a house, since we are currently expecting our fourth child and I think our family should be his priority.”

“This may make me the a**hole as we are quite well off and my husband thinks we should be using our money to help others.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

“I guess if you all have stacks of cash and there is money gathering dust and your kids are set for life and it’s his money then he can do whatever he likes because it doesn’t financially negatively impact you.”

“If however the money he spends is needed and you and your kids miss out because of his generosity then he shouldn’t be gifting it.”

“I can’t judge totally, because I don’t know how wealthy you are. NTA.” ~ Famous_Specialist_44

“NTA, that’s a lot, but I think that Clara has an expectation because your husband is an enabler.”

“She’s used to receiving big gifts from your husband.” ~ notyoureffingproblem

“Yeah, and this is not going to stop. She’s only 20 years old.”

“She already has a 3-year-old and will likely have more children, and she’ll expect to have all their needs met. Private school, clothes, trips, cars, college, weddings, and houses.” ~ BaitedBreaths

“Yeah, is he gonna be supporting all of his kids and all of her’s too? What happens if his ability to earn an income is compromised?”

“Anything could happen at any time in that regard and he should know that better than most. And it sounds like he’s spending but not necessarily saving. No way this ends well.” ~ imamage_fightme

“I think you should remind your husband that the tide does turn and you all may not always be in such a good financial situation.”

“I think it’s great that he’s supported her, but buying cars, paying for weddings, and houses, that’s just a bit much. NTA.” ~ RandomReddit9791

“If your bio children’s college accounts are not topped off, your retirement not fully funded, yearly tuition not accounted for, and a family + medical emergency fund not completely overflowing… you don’t have cash to drop on this girl’s 150k wedding plus a house.”

“And I’d be willing to divorce over that.” ~ Invisible_Friend1

“Sh*t, all he’s promising to Clara is way way more than I’d ever expect a parent to provide for their child!”

“If he’s not prepared to provide the exact same things to his 4 children then he shouldn’t do it for Clara.” ~ On_my_last_spoon

“Even if he considers Clara equal to immediate family, medical expenses and college funds for minor children come before a $150k wedding for an adult, any adult.” ~ annang

Some wondered if there was more going on here.

“From what she’s described, I’d be incredibly concerned that the 3-year-old is his… NTA.” ~ ScopeyMcBangBang

“I’m sorry, but this reads more like a kept mistress than a sister or daughter.”

“In no way would I be comfortable with this—especially since you indicated you’re concerned about paying for your child’s medical care.”

“It sounds like Clara’s wants are coming before your actual children’s needs.” ~ gkpurdy

But others saw survivor’s guilt as an equally plausible explanation.

“I don’t know, guilt and grief are both a hell of a thing, and bank-rolling her life when he’s got all kinds of money is a super easy way to cope with that when you’re actually wealthy.”

“I feel like that’s more likely the motivation behind it all than assuming their sibling-like relationship turned into borderline incest. He knew the little sister from when he was 10 y/o and she was a baby.”

“Hold on, I need to look at the ages again… my math ain’t right.”

“OK, so husband was 17 when the girlfriend died and the sister was about 3 at the time, then he meets OP at about 24—OP was about 18.”

“Since she doesn’t specify much about how they met or the timeline to dating and marriage, I don’t know that I’m ready to jump on the fact that he’s a creep, but I can at least see what you’re seeing.”

“NTA though, no matter the husband’s motivation.” ~ radiant_kiwi208

“At some point, parents should stop financing their children unless in dire circumstances. Perhaps there is a compromise that he gifts a certain amount of money towards the wedding—not paying the entire thing—and gifts a percentage for the house—like down payment/part of the down payment.”

“Obviously we don’t know the particulars of your financial goals or situation, but you will soon have 4 children and maybe want more. Unless he is a multimillionaire that nobody ever has to worry and all your children have trust founds with millions in them, I definitely think it’s reasonable for him to cut back towards this person.”

“Also is she capable of standing on her own feet or does she know your husband would bail her out? How does her new fiancée feel about another man that isn’t a father paying for things? Some men would be offended.”

“Not to be rude, but are they leeching off your husband? There are a lot of nuances to the situation without having all the information, it’s hard to say for certain.”

“I’m going to say NTA, but there definitely can be compromise with helping with a wedding/house. He does not need to pay for everything.” ~ PuzzledUpstairs8189

“OP, this needs to end. She is 20, has a kid of her own and getting married. Enough is enough.”

“He needs to let her support herself. Her fiancé needs to be her support not your husband. Insist he get counseling because this is not normal.” ~ ObligationNo2288

The OP definitely needs to have a discussion with her husband about family finances.

Guilt can be a major motivator, but so should his wife and children.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.