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Woman Bans Parents From Son’s Birthday For Trying To Exclude Brother’s New Wife After Elopement

upset older couple seated on couch
Charday Penn/Getty Images

Considering all the drama we hear about weddings, the impulse to just elope is very strong.

But heading off to get married in secret brings its own issues.

Family members may resent not getting to attend.

A sister dealing with her parents’ reaction to her brother’s elopement turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

Icy-Lingonberry-8128 asked:

“AITA for banning my parents from a family event because they don’t like my brother’s wife?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“So my little brother is 23. I (30, female) have another brother that’s 20, but this is about the 23-year-old who I will call Blake.”

“About five months ago, Blake eloped with his girlfriend Shay (19, female). Our parents and my three sisters—Mary (22), Bea (27), and Sarah (25)—were LIVID. Like unusually angry.”

“I was a little confused, but I spoke to him, and to me, it seemed like he and his girlfriend loved each other very much and just made the rash decision to elope in Las Vegas. We live about 3 hours from Vegas, so it’s a popular day trip destination.”

“They were there for the day and eloped. Blake and Shay didn’t even tell anyone about their marriage until two months later. They’ve been together for a year.”

“I met her like twice while they were dating, but that’s my fault, not theirs. I was a pregnant troll cooped up in my house, refusing to see anyone or go out because I thought I was fat and ugly.”

“Like, yeah, it was a little silly, but I don’t understand why they’re all so angry about it. As far as I know, it’s only about the elopement. My parents and my brother haven’t mentioned anything else.”

“I’ve tried to have a conversation with my parents about why they hate Shay so much. Nothing of value has resulted.”

“I’m starting to think it’s a control thing, to be honest. They probably envisioned a big, beautiful wedding for their first son and were shown pictures of a Vegas elopement instead.”

“Blake has always been a little bit of a wild child, but I guess an elopement shocked them.”

“Blake and Shay are a very wholesome and, dare I say, perfect couple. They very obviously love each other, live together, split the bills, both study for very good degrees, and have two cats.”

“They’re so adorable! My husband and I are doing amazing, but I’m secretly jealous of how cute my brother and Shay are together.”

“In our culture, there’s an old saying that couples are one soul split into two, and then they find each other later on. I’ve never believed it, and no one does, really, but Shay and Blake are convincing me.”

“Shay is a different race than us but the same religion. But my sister Mary’s boyfriend is the same race as Shay and they love him.”

“They even loved Shay before all of this. Heck, my husband is an immigrant, and they adore him.”

“My brother does have a lot of inheritance and trust funds waiting for him, but so does Shay. Shay’s family are pretty prominent in our town.”

“I didn’t know her well before they eloped, but I helped her with the applications to take my brother’s surname. I saw her well-known maiden name and was pretty stunned for a few hours.”

“I’ve always said you can’t put a timeline on life. If they wanna do marriage earlier than usually, who cares?”

“Shay and my brother have been married for 5-ish months now, so if she was pregnant it would be very obvious by now. I really think it’s a control thing for my parents.”

“I know I’m biased, but I think she’s great, and I’ve never had even the tiniest issue with her. I don’t know why they’re so mad about it.”

“They’ve made comments about her family—who aren’t even bad. Her parents are just divorced. But they don’t even know them that well, so I’m not sure.”

“My parents have made a point not to invite Shay to any family events since. They’ll call up Blake and say ‘don’t bring your girlfriend’—they refuse to acknowledge the marriage.”

“My husband—who is always the troublemaker—suggested Blake make a certified copy of the marriage certificate, laminate it, and send it to our parents. My brother thought it was a great idea, but he never did it. I’m going to bring it up to him again.”

“Blake came the first two times they did this but left very early. He’s always politely declined all invitations since then.”

“I’ve tried to tell my parents that they are pushing Blake away and soon they can expect to never hear from him again, but they don’t seem to care. They take every opportunity to insult Shay even though they used to love her before the elopement.”

“It’s my son’s birthday soon, and I’m planning a big party.”

“I sent the guest list in a family group chat and my parents saw that Shay was invited. They demanded that she be taken off, but I refused.”

“I regularly tell my parents off for treating them like this and I’ve skipped out on most family events that Blake has skipped. This is the first time I’ve hosted anything during this situation, though.”

“They were acting in a way that made me suspect they were going to make a scene there, so I banned them. I don’t want them to isolate my younger brother.”

“He hasn’t been to any family events since he got married besides the two when he left early.”

“They are infuriated. They are threatening to show up anyway and think I have no right to ban them for someone ‘who isn’t part of the family.’”

“My mother-in-law has graciously agreed to let us host it at hers, and as far as I know, my parents don’t know her address. At least, I hope so—she moved recently, so I’d be concerned about their motives if they knew her new address.”

“My sisters and youngest brother think I am overreacting. I could have instead warned them to behave and told them they would be removed if they couldn’t.”

“They think the ban is nuclear. My parents are demanding an invite and an apology.”

“I currently am the only one with kids, so my parents would be pretty upset if I banned them from seeing their only grandkids. My brother definitely appreciates my support in his own way.”

“He’s usually very quiet and not that expressive—besides when he’s with Shay—and he randomly texted me the other day that he wishes he invited me to the elopement. It was very touching.”


The OP summed up their situation.

“I may be an a**hole for banning my parents from my son’s birthday.”

“This is because they are his grandparents, and banning is a nuclear option.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

“NTA…your parents didn’t get the memo that children grow up. They deserve to be banned, and they should stay banned until THEY apologize and learn how to behave.”

“It’s easy for your other siblings to say you’ve overreacted because it’s not their situation. I’m sure your brother will appreciate the support.” ~ RoyallyOakie

“An invite and an apology? When Hell freezes over.”

“Shay has done nothing wrong, and your brother is happy. NTA.” ~ Simple-Status-15

“I’m also confused why they’re blaming Shay for this. They both got married. It’s not as though Blake was dragged to Vegas and forced to marry her. Especially considering you mentioned the family loved her before all this.”

“I’d send a message in the group chat saying, ‘It’s interesting that you think you deserve an invite and an apology of all things, considering the hypocrisy of penalizing Shay for a joint decision between her AND Blake to get married.'”

“‘If anyone is owed an apology, it’s Shay and Blake for the abysmal way you’ve treated them for daring to do something that makes them happy. If you’re that angry about it, maybe you need to rethink your priorities, because the only ones causing all this drama is you and I’m not about to allow you to make my sons birthday about you and your petty, and frankly ridiculous, grudge’.”

“Then I’d watch it all implode, but that’s just me. NTA.” ~ DiamondKitsune

“NTA. You’re absolutely doing the right thing. In the simplest of strokes, I was just like Shay. My husband froze out his parents for 2 years until they realized he wasn’t f*cking around and I was his family as far as he was concerned.”

“None of his siblings supported him. I found out literally 16 years later it was because his parents had told lies about me—and they were very angry with them for manipulating them and making them miss out on that time with their brother.”

“His parents love me now, and I love them, but it was incredibly hard, and had my husband been a lesser man, that would have been a bridge that remained burned.”

“Your support means the world to him, especially since I can tell you for a fact he feels like he’s alone and it’s him and Shay vs the world. Don’t buckle.” ~ not_doing_that

Hopefully the OP’s parents at least learn how to be cordial to their new daughter-in-law.

If not, it’s their loss.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.