Mom-To-Be Hurt When Husband Ditches Her Day Before C-Section To Have Lunch With Friend

While having a baby is meant to be an incredible, beautiful, and of course life-changing experience, there's a fair amount of stress involved in the preparation for the big day.

Many parents-to-be fail to understand how much they're getting into until the reality hits them, always all of a sudden, empathized the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.

Redditor babybright1992 was preparing herself for the next day when she would have a scheduled Caesarean Section (C-Section), only to discover that her husband had made lunch plans with a friend that day.

When he reasoned with her that it would be the last time he could do such a thing for a long time, the Original Poster (OP) worried they did not have the same opinion about their baby-to-be.

She asked the sub:

"AITA for telling my husband I am upset he made lunch plans with his friend the day before my c-section, didn't tell me until the last minute, and didn't consider inviting me?"

The OP was getting ready to have a scheduled C-Section.

"I (31 Female) am nine months pregnant with our first child and am booked in for a Caesarian tomorrow at 7:30 AM."

"My husband (38 Male) is on his second day of parental leave, and he will be off work for a month."

"We had told our family that we would be hanging out at home together all day today, getting the last few things organised for the hospital tomorrow."

"It was my understanding that we would be spending the day together, essentially pottering around the house and spending time together."

"This morning, his Mum suggested she come over for coffee to see us before the baby arrives."

"He said again we would just be home today, so that would be fine and to come over whenever she liked."

But then the OP found out what plans her husband actually had.

"When it got to 11:00 AM, and she hadn't arrived yet, he then said he was annoyed because he was going to be late for a pub lunch with his friend."

"I was surprised to hear he had made lunch plans and said to him, 'You're going for lunch? What about me?'"

"He said he didn't think I'd want to come and that it wasn't a big deal."

"I felt disappointed as he has a habit of not considering or inviting me when making plans during our time off together (which has mostly been our weekends up until now)."

"His Mum came for her visit, which was enjoyable and uneventful."

"His lunch was brought up (by him) and his Mum agreed with me that it was a bit strange he had organized to do something without me today."

"He said again he didn't think it would matter and that it was his last day before becoming a father, as well."

The couple had a heated disagreement about the lunch plans.

"After she left, he asked if I wanted to come for lunch. By this point, I'd decided I didn't want to because I felt like a third wheel and unwanted, so I said no."

"I was setting up the baby monitor when he came in to tell me I should cut him some slack because he is going to be looking after me and the baby for the next month (which is an exaggeration but fine), so he should be able to go out for an hour if he wants."

"He also wanted me to tell him he wasn't going to 'have to hear about this again,' meaning I understood it was fine and wouldn't bring it up again."

"This caused an argument as I wouldn't say it wouldn't get mentioned again, and I ended up telling him that I felt disappointed when he had made plans without me, and I felt unimportant."

"He got angry, I cried, he left for lunch, and I don't know whether I'm in the wrong or not."

"It's not really about him going out with his friend. Usually, it 100% wouldn't matter at all, but as it's our last day together before our baby arrives, I would just like to have been factored into the decision-making and not be told as an aside after plans are already made without me."

"AITA?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some empathized with the OP and understood why she was upset.

"Literally less than a day before she gets a massive incision in her abdomen, and they literally reach inside her, separate her stomach muscles, and pull out the baby? C-sections are very safe for mom and baby, but they are major abdominal surgery, and even planned C-sections have a long recovery time."

"Why does OP's husband need to go TODAY? Why couldn't he have made plans to include OP today of all days since she's the one who will get major surgery tomorrow?"

"Yes, he's becoming a dad, but she's going to be dealing with all the physical trauma of a c-section AND recovery AND breastfeeding AND postpartum hormones. Could he have had some compassion on today, of all days?" - Serious_Sky_9647

"If my husband wants to go out on a boys' day/night/weekend, he always discusses it with me beforehand. Not to seek permission but out of respect and to double-check it doesn't clash with family visiting (we live far away from our family) or in case he's forgotten something."

"That is what this boils down to for me, a lack of respect. It isn't about permission to go, it's about respecting your partner enough to let them know about it."

"I also do the same thing if I am going anywhere." - Kerry0406

"This is 100% NTA: The OP said, 'I felt disappointed as he has a habit of not considering or inviting me when making plans during our time off together (which has mostly been our weekends up until now).'"

"I feel sad for OP that she's having a baby with this AH, which he is. OP is essentially a side piece to her own husband. When he has time off, he hangs out with his friends. He barely considers OP's feelings."

"Do you really think this AH is going to pick up the slack and care for OP and his own child? 10-1 After like a day, he'll be 'burnt out' and need to 'get out of the house,' i.e. drinking with his friends. Then he'll say that he 'doesn't know what to do with a child' and 'mothers should do this kind of stuff,' and he'll give OP crap for not cooking dinner and doing all the chores." - ErikLoveMonger

"It's the refusal to acknowledge her feelings and how he demands that she basically 'get over it' and 'never talk about it again' that makes him an a**hole."

"She has a right to feel hurt. He doesn't have a right to tell her not to." - TheBattyWich

"I massively eye-rolled when he said, 'I didn't think you'd want to come.' Yeah, a pregnant woman doesn't want lunch. I've been pregnant twice, and all I wanted was lunch." - Might_Aware

Others agreed and were concerned by how her husband pushed her feelings away.

"NTA. I was leaning toward NAH. He didn't even think these plans would be something you would care at all about. He was wrong, but that's not an a**hole move."

"No, no... What bothers me is that he cannot accept that you can feel some type of way about this thing. He doesn't just want to accept that there was a disagreement; he insists that he has to win so completely, beat you down so much that you say that you were wrong and he was right, and he will never hear another word about it."

"That's f**ked up. Remember that abusive people often start being abusive when the first baby comes, and their victim is stuck. If it's his way or no way, if he can't leave you room to feel how you feel about something, he's not treating you like a human."

"Maybe he's just stressed and acting a little crazy, but keep an eye on this and be ready to get out." - Kitastrophe8503

"I think I could understand in this case him wanting to go out without her. The guy wants to have what may be his last guys' lunch for a while, because if he is a good husband and father, then he is going to be doing a lot to look after OP while she recovers from the cesarean and they are going to be busy with the baby for a while."

"But the rest of his behavior, like not telling OP his plan in advance and not caring that she feels hurt now, is AH, and concerning, behavior." - Miss-Adelie

"NTA. You were expressing your feelings. Though the wording may have been different, his telling you not to bring up the subject again is undoubtedly problematic."

"Is it typical for him to declare that the conversation is ended and that it won't be brought up again in order to get his way?" - akkakadde

"He's going to be looking after you and the baby for a lot longer than the next month. You're having major abdominal surgery, and the baby is, well, a baby. He just has a month where he can do it without also having to go to work."

"NTA. It's your last day together before you become parents, your whole lives are about to change; I couldn't fathom wanting to make any plans with or see anybody except my partner at that time."

"I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I will also say that both of your emotions are probably running very high right now, and maybe he thought lunch with a friend without thinking about the baby would be a welcome distraction from pre-baby anxiety. But he absolutely should've told you ahead of time at a minimum." - criticalvibecheck

"'I didn't think you would want to come' is pretty reasonable, to be honest. I would usually rather let my wife go for lunch with her friends without me, and the same goes for me going out with my friends. I wouldn't for a second expect her to think of me and whether I would want to come."

"But the context of the day was pretty thoughtless. In his mind, he probably thought, 'I'll be gone for two hours and then back, what's the big deal?' So it's not a sacking offense, but he has definitely failed to consider how his wife was feeling about it.

"My gut feeling here, as a father, is that he doesn't realize the shift he's in for. It's pretty hard to explain to someone, you kind of have to experience it. So he's probably not feeling quite as sentimental about today as he will feel in a month's time."

"Going into it, you tend to think that your life will be broadly the same, there'll just be a child in the middle of it too. Like having a dog, but a bit more work."

"If you've no experience with children before this, the complete upending of every aspect of your life comes as quite a shock."

"Don't worry, OP, he'll get the gravity of it. Sometime tomorrow, lol (laughing out loud)."

"Best of luck. My wife went through multiple C-sections, so I've been there before. It's scary, but remember, these are pros. For you, tomorrow will be the biggest day of your life so far, for them it's just another Wednesday. The sights and sounds and the beeps are scary. Focus on the calm voices, and before you know it, you'll have your beautiful baby in your arms."

"If I can give any advice to new parents, it's to take it in shifts. If you're breastfeeding, then you just focus on feeding and then sleeping when the baby isn't feeding. Let your husband sleep through the night as much as humanly possible, and then he'll have the energy to do everything else during the day."

"Even if you don't plan on breastfeeding, with the C-section you're limited for three to six weeks anyway, so you focus on the feeds and let him deal with all of the non-baby stuff."

"I know that sounds very traditional 'Women do baby stuff, and men do men stuff,' but we made the mistake of trying to split everything 50:50 on our first, including being up half the night, and we were dead on our feet within ten days."

"Enjoy the ride! And each other!" - asdrunkasdrunkcanbe

After receiving feedback, the OP chalked up what happened to pre-birth jitters.

"I was NOT expecting the volume of response to this! I'm oscillating between packing hospital clothes and reading comments but will quickly say thank you to everyone who had thoughtful responses."

"We are both feeling a lot with everything going on tomorrow and emotions and tensions were definitely running high."

"He wasn't being his best self at the moment, and I've definitely had my moments of being hormonal and erupting recently."

"So, while I agree I'm NTA in this instance, I'll accept there has been some increased sensitivity and insecurity on my part that added weight to the situation."

"My husband apologized not long after I posted, returned home, and is currently hanging some shelves in the nursery (sorry to those who suggested we end it and super sorry to the one person who suggested he was out with a side chick)."

The OP shared a second, even happier update after the baby was born.

"We arrived home from the hospital last night with our beautiful, healthy baby girl."

"My husband was absolutely incredible throughout the delivery and our time in the maternity ward. He has handled every nappy change and every burping session, helped me with feeding and pumping, kept track of our feeding schedule, made sure I've been as comfortable as possible at all times and has not stopped fawning over our little girl from the second they put her in his arms in the operating theater."

"He left the hospital for a total of one hour in the five days we were there to go and pick some things up for me because he didn't want to leave my side."

The OP was also ready to go to bat for her husband verbally.

"My husband can be very un-empathetic at times, and he can struggle to see things from other perspectives, particularly when he is under pressure or stressed. This is not news to me."

"I have known this about him from the beginning, he has many, many other great qualities that outweigh this flaw (plus a bunch of others; no one is perfect), but when you are arguing with your partner and in an emotional state, it's very easy not to think about the things you love about them and hone in on whatever is upsetting you in the moment."

"I struggle to regulate my emotions in periods of stress and become insecure when I feel my needs aren't being met. I am aware of this and have a great network of support to manage it, but it can be difficult to recognize in the moment."

"None of these things make my husband an abuser. They make him a scared first-time dad who doesn't fully understand the emotional gravity of having a baby interacting with a pregnant woman who has been a Mum already for the last nine months."

"However, I can see why people think this based on what I have written! A pregnant woman comes to Reddit to ask about some scumbag husband who doesn't care about her was always going to illicit the abuser response! In reality, things are more nuanced than one person's side in the middle of an argument."

"Anyway, for anyone following along at home, our daughter has snapped both of us out of our panics, and we are back to being a team, very much besotted with each other and our little girl. I'm off to give her a cuddle and some breakfast."

While the subReddit was initially very concerned about the OP and her support system at home during this major milestone and major surgery, they were inevitably relieved to hear that the OP and her husband had worked everything out.

Sometimes, there's a real problem that could absolutely account for divorce, but other times, some serious last-minute jitters could explain all of those problems away.