Striving to have the perfect day makes some people forget that their wedding is just one day while the marriage is hopefully going to last the rest of their lives.
A 45-year-old bride asked the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit if her quest for perfection justified barring her 47-year-old groom’s daughter from inviting her significant other.
Redditor Winter-Middle5774 asked:
“AITA for wanting my wedding to be perfect?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So, I am getting married to my boyfriend. He has three kids, two adopted daughters (25 and 17), and a biological son, (24).”
“I love my step kids a lot but there’s one problem. His youngest is bisexual and has a girlfriend.”
“I don’t have any problem with that! But most of my family is homophobic and my boyfriend wants to invite his kids’ significant other since they’re ‘family’.”
“I had a talk about it and he was mad at me for thinking that his youngest’s girlfriend shouldn’t come because of my family. I tried my best to explain but he was really stubborn, refusing to not invite her.”
“I got mad at him too and now we won’t talk to each other.”
“Of course, I love my step-daughter and her girlfriend is really nice but I’m scared about my family causing a ruckus because of it.”
Redditors have the options to declare the OP is not the a**hole, if everyone shares some blame and if no one is at fault.
They were unanimous in telling the OP, “You’re The A**hole” (YTA).
“YTA. By showing you prioritize your homophonic family over your partner’s, you show where you stand.”
“Your partner and his kids deserve better.”
“Also, please grow up. Perfect anything doesn’t exist.” ~ confusedsagitarius
“If you’re worried about people causing problems, you disinvite the people who would cause them, not the ones they would discriminate against.”
“Don’t reward homophobes by excluding your step children.” ~ Piemanthe3rd
“YTA—hugely. This will affect your relationship with your step daughter because you are showing her that you don’t really accept her sexuality because you are not prepared to stand up for her.”
“You are more scared about what random people will think of you than what your step daughter will.”
“It says that you excuse homophobia and will allow it to happen to her because you don’t want to cause a fuss.” ~ pretty_pisces13
“OP is basically saying that her idea of making her wedding day perfect is placating homophobes rather than making her wedding a comfortable place for her bisexual soon-to-be-daughter.” ~ HiImNotCreative
“Honestly, if the person I was going to marry was willing to do that to my kid I wouldn’t be going through with the wedding.” ~ Viperbunny
“I am bi myself. My gay best friends (one guy and two girls) were all in my wedding party and anyone who didn’t like it was kindly invited to shove it.”
“I’m not paying for your food if you don’t accept my friends. It was also a nice coincidence that our pastor who married us is a lesbian, and had a rainbow stole on for the ceremony.”
“The fact that OP didn’t take a strong stand here for her fiancé’s child would be cause enough for me to rethink the marriage.” ~ doryfishie
“So… one of his kids doesn’t get to share their dad get married with their significant other… because you’re afraid that your family can’t be civil during your wedding? News flash: His daughter isn’t what’s going to make your wedding less than perfect… YOUR FAMILY IS.”
“YTA all the way. He should be able to invite whoever he wants, and you need to tell your family to keep their commentary and bigotry to themselves.”
“To be honest, you should be doing that anyway, especially if the two of you are getting married.”
“Is his daughter supposed to appear celibate for the rest of her life to appease your family? What if she gets married down the road, are you going to bar her spouse from family gatherings because your family is homophobic?”
“Honestly, invite the daughter and her SO and tell your family to stay home if they can’t be civil. Stand up for the family you’ve chosen and show your new stepdaughter that she’s important enough to you to do that.” ~ GrailJester
Others Redditors questioned why the OP felt it necessary to distinguish which of her fiancé’s children were adopted and which was his biological child when it didn’t affect her situation.
“YTA:”
- “for differentiating between biological and adopted children…. it’s irrelevant”
- “for putting homophobes before the child’s significant other”
- “for thinking it’s preferential to invite people likely to abuse other guests than a nice girl based on the fact she has a girlfriend”
- “because u sound homophobic yourself” ~ jaecee10
“YTA for picking homophobes over your fiancé’s children.”
“It doesn’t matter AT ALL whether she’s adopted or not; his youngest daughter and her SO are important to him. He wanted them to witness his marriage, but thanks to your attitude he may be rethinking the wedding altogether.” ~ OneTwoWee000
“YTA for all the reasons everyone else stated, but also for noting that some kids are bio and some are adopted. That has no relevance to the story and seems like a weird thing to call out.” ~ letsgolesbolesbo
“Holy sh!t! OK, why does it need to be specified that 2 of his children are adopted? They are his children.”
“Who cares if she’s [bisexual]? If your family does, that is their problem.”
“If you have an issue with her being [bisexual], then you don’t deserve to be her step mother. You should want to stand up for her and protect her.”
“It has nothing to do with your wedding being ‘perfect,’ which isn’t even a thing.”
“Your concern should be with the MARRIAGE and not the wedding, and with protecting your future step daughter. YTA!” ~ pain1994
“As an adopted child just reading the fact that she mentioned that two children were adopted instead of simply saying he has three children rubbed me the wrong way. It was so unnecessary.” ~ babyshark8
“Seriously. All three are his children. Is she trying to distance the ‘gay’ from her fiancé since it’s ‘just one of the adopteds’?” ~ Diligent-Reaction-23
“The adopted comment bugged me too. I have a sister-in-law who still takes every possible opportunity to tell anyone who will listen that I’m adopted.”
“It’s cheap, it’s hurtful, and it doesn’t matter to any of the people directly involved, i.e. my parents or me.”
“I am automatically distrustful of people who put adopted kids into a separate category from biological kids.” ~ SidewaysTugboat
“YTA. Big time.”
“If your family is the problem, don’t invite your family. Simple solution you would have come up with if you weren’t so self-centered.”
“Also, your husband has three children. There was ZERO reason to make the distinction that 2 were adopted unless you think it somehow lessens their standing.”
“You claim her bisexuality doesn’t bother you, but clearly it does. Otherwise you’d be supportive.”
“Your choice to pick your bigoted family over his child is good reason for your fiancé to be mad. Your complete cluelessness is a perfect reason for him to dump you and find someone worth his time who will treat all three of his children the same, whether they’re the ‘fruit of his loins’ or not.” ~ LakotaGrl
Many Redditors had the same advice for the OP—give her family a heads up in advance and tell them to behave or else.
“You have to choose whether to support your step-daughter’s relationship, or kowtow to bigots. You chose the bigots.”
“You should indeed feel like an a**hole. I hope you will change your mind, and redeem the situation.”
“Ideally, you would let your family know about your step-daughter’s relationship, and invite them to come under the condition that they behave with uncharacteristic kindness and tolerance. If it’s a big deal for them, they’ll need to skip.”
“That’s what I would do. Some of my family wouldn’t come, and some would suck it up and come through.”
“You are making a new family that includes this girl. If she’s not a priority, this marriage probably shouldn’t happen.”
“Oh, and YTA.” ~ NeverRarelySometimes
The OP did not provide any updates after being unilaterally declared the a**hole, Hopefully for her marriage and the family she will be joining, she reconsiders forcing her soon to be stepdaughter back into the closet to appease bigots.