If there's one thing a soon-to-be married couple looks forward to more than their wedding day, it's probably their wedding night.
Excited as they are to celebrate their special day with all their closest friends and family members, it's even more likely that they can't wait to be alone, for the first time as spouses.
Of course, joyous celebrations that they are, many couples want to keep the party going, heading to an after-party once the official reception ends.
When one couple wants to keep the party going, and the other is ready for some alone time, tensions are bound to arise.
Redditor Bilby_bil was looking forward to spending her wedding day with her husband.
However, once the festivities began, it became abundantly clear to the original poster (OP) that she and her husband had very different ideas of how they wanted to celebrate the night.
Getting their honeymoon off to a rather rocky start.
Wondering if she was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for being upset I was ditched during and after my own wedding?"
The OP explained why she found herself so angry with her new husband on their wedding night:
"It was actually a vow renewal, we got legally married last year with just us there no family or friends, so just now got the 'party' all planned."
"We had a really short ceremony at the beginning and then partied!"
"I specifically asked him to please stay with me and to hang out with me as we mingled around because I know how he gets around his friends and usually I hang by myself if they are around."
"And he's like 'yeah of course we will go around together'."
"That didn't happen."
"He took off and was gone and I legit spent the majority of party standing by myself."
" 98% of the people there were his."
"Then at the end of the night it was over around 9 so fairly early, there was a plan at some point, a lot of the attendees, were going to go out to a bar to which he decided he was going."
"I wanted to go home, with him, and have our 'wedding night'."
"This was absolutely not acceptable to him because 'his family was in town and going to go out too'."
"So, I stayed home by myself and went to bed while he went out to the bar."
"Next day, I'm upset of course and he keeps asking me why, what did he do?"
"Like how did he not know?"
"When I explained, it got pushed back on me that I should have kept up with him and he found me 1 time outside when I was trying to cool down cause I was super hot."
"So he keeps bringing that one time I 'left' and he found me outside."
"Then told me that I was making stuff up and I wasn't alone and that if I was it was my fault."
'My Dad is dead, my mother has Alzheimer's and was unable to attend."
"Yes my sister was there and my adult nieces and a friend."
"I am an introvert and have social anxiety, but can handle and deal when needed."
"And no, I wasn't sitting in a corner all night 'poor me' I was out and about."
"Just by myself."
"Not with my husband."
"Every wedding I've been to the bride and groom kinda mingle around the majority of the night together of course there are times they are on their own."
"So that is how I was expecting things to go."
"Not completely in reverse."
"So, is it my fault?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, overall the OP received very little sympathy from the Reddit community.
Some felt the OP's anger was more than justified, agreeing that no newlywed should spend so much time away from their new spouse, with a few even urging the OP to question whether or not she should stay in this marriage.
"Gurl."
"Get out now."
"If that is how he behaved at your wedding celebration, it is only going to get worse."
"NTA."- Diligent_Hedgehog999
"NTA."
"For being upset that you spent your wedding night alone whilst your husband partied in a bar."
"It's even worse that it was a vow renewal because you were doubling down on being wed so soon after the ceremony."
"And why was it over by 9?"
"And, where were your friends eh?"- Famous_Specialist_44
"NTA."
"He abandoned you pretty clearly and right away."
"Got caught up in the moment and went galavanting off with friends and family."
"The fact that you didn't want to go to a bar and he still went is wild."
"Truly."
"The sh*tty manipulation tactics the next day are the biggest red flag."
"He knows what he did and wants to get away with it by finding any tiny possible fault in your logic (ie, finding you outside)."
"I'm curious, how clear were your expectations of 'mingling together' with him?"
"What does that look like for you?"
"And did you share that with him?"
"Were you willing to compromise on those at all?"- Fickle_Pickle_3452
"NTA."
"If anything, I'd be questioning what he was doing at that bar on his wedding night."
"Surely, he must have shown these abandonment signs earlier in the relationship."
"I would have left him before the marriage, but if he can't understand what he did wrong, I'd quickly divorce him before children get involved."
"If it's so easy to abandon you on your wedding night, think of what he will do if you get pregnant."
"hint: ABANDON YOU."
"It may sound harsh but leave while you still can."
"This isn't just some small issue."
"At least go to a counselor about it, but I'd leave him if he truly does not understand why what he did was wrong."- No_Mud5383
Others, however, had trouble feeling bad for the OP. They felt that if the OP was so uncomfortable in social situations, why did she even want a wedding celebration in the first place, especially considering she was already married?
"I think I'm going against the grain here, but gentle YTA."
"So you got married with just you two, presumably because you wanted to be alone with your husband?"
"I think that that's very sweet and intimate."
"This is where it starts feeling AH."
"You spent the majority of the party standing by yourself."
"Is that because you couldn't find your husband?"
"You couldn't talk with any friends or family, even if they were his or the 2% that are yours?"
"I am a HUGE introvert, so I understand that social events can be uncomfortable sometimes, but it sounds like you expected your husband to babysit you."
"You guys can co-mingle together for the majority of the party, but I think you may have had unrealistic expectations, unless when you say that he is 'gone' you mean he left the venue/ party?"
"Or is 'gone' that he is a few tables away, and you chose not to join him because you expected him to proactively guide you?"
"It's the norm that the bride and groom not spend every moment together as they are meant to mingle with guests."
"You would spend some of the weddings together, but there's usually an expectation that you guys also talk to people independently."
"There's a natural flow and direction as the day goes on."
"Gently, you already had your wedding night."
"You stated that you guys got married a year ago alone."
"This is for your friends and family."
"It's reasonable if you don't want to go out, but it doesn't seem fair that you expect your husband to not spend as much time as possible with his friends and family since this is the friends and family wedding."
"You can absolutely correct me because I am reading between lines here and could be wrong, but it sounds like you wanted a wedding without friends and family- just you two and so you got it."
"Now, this is the wedding for friends and family, but you wanted your husband to spend the entire family/ friends wedding without you guys separating to entertain different guests, and then he was not supposed to go out after unless you also went out?"
"It sounds very codependent."
"Like your husband is not allowed to talk to anyone or spend time with anyone unless you are there, but you also do not want to be there."
"Instead of blaming him and telling him 'how did he not know', I think you guys need to discuss your social expectations and needs."
"You being an introvert is valid, but so is him being an extrovert."
"Your introversion doesn't trump his extroversion and vice versa."
"You are very focused on your needs here, but I wonder if there was a solution that allowed him to have fun while you got to be introverted, like him going out to the bar with everyone afterward."
"It feels like there was the potential for compromise here."
"You weren't 'alone'. You just weren't with your husband."
"You seem insanely comfortable invalidating other people."
"Your husband wanted to spend as much time as possible with friends and family and you decided that that's wrong."
"Reddit wants to know why only 2% of guests are yours, and you've decided that it doesn't matter."
"Your husband points out that he did find you when you went outside and you decided that that doesn't count."
"If you want your needs validated, you need to stop invalidating everyone else's."
"I am not even sure why you posted here."
"You have 1 friend and your husband, so you've become very codependent."
"But your husband can't be your entire social world."
"That's not fair to him at all."- Appropriate_Buyer401
It seemed that the OP and her husband had very different ideas of how they expected their wedding night to go.
The OP was expecting a quiet, intimate evening, while her husband seemed to want a non-stop celebration.
One can't help but worry that their different ways of life are going to continue to pose problems in their marriage unless they are both open and honest about their expectations.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp