We all can understand that sometimes things come up, causing plans to change and forcing us to make tough, imperfect decisions.
But when a change of plans means that someone gets a benefit that others do not, it's hard to be understanding about something coming up, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Flaky-Assumption4248 was a bridesmaid in a child-free wedding when her babysitting arrangement fell through. She then offered to drop out of her role as bridesmaid or to bring her toddler to the child-free wedding.
When bringing her child to the wedding caused a lot of drama with the groom's family, the Original Poster (OP) felt conflicted about attending.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for bringing my daughter to a child-free wedding?"
The OP was excited to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding.
"I'm a 19-year-old mom to my beautiful two-year-old daughter, Amelia."
"Just a bit of backstory: last year, I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a family friend's wedding."
"I was thrilled and immediately said yes, even though it was a child-free event."
When her childcare fell through, the OP asked the bride for advice.
"I had arranged for a babysitter, but about a week before the wedding, she informed me that she would no longer be in the city and couldn't watch my daughter."
"Given the short notice, I approached the bride and asked if I could bring Amelia to the wedding, as I didn't have time to find another trusted babysitter. My daughter is overall a very easygoing baby; she's comfortable with people and happy as long as she's fed."
"The bride knew this since she'd watched my daughter on multiple occasions before, and she happily agreed, saying that having Amelia there would make the wedding photos even more special."
As kind and accommodating as the bride was, there were still complications.
"The wedding was going smoothly, though I noticed a few stares from the groom's parents."
"Amelia stayed with my sisters for most of the day, but during the reception, I took her with me to congratulate the couple."
"As I approached with Amelia in my arms, the groom's mother suddenly commented, 'You shouldn't have brought a baby to a child-free wedding, especially when she doesn't fit the family.'"
"I was completely taken aback. For context, my daughter is mixed. I'm half white and half Hispanic, and her father is Black. I've been called 'white-washed' because I'm not in contact with my Hispanic family, so I knew exactly what she meant by saying my daughter didn't 'fit the family.'"
The OP decided to leave the wedding at that time.
"The bride looked shocked, and the groom immediately stood up and led his parents away. Taking this as my cue, I decided it was time to leave."
"I made the rounds to say goodbye to everyone and put Amelia in her stroller."
"As I was leaving, the bride came over to apologize for her in-laws' behavior. I was upset, but I knew it wasn't her fault, so I simply wished her luck and left."
But the problems didn't end there.
"Now, about a week after the wedding, I got tagged in a Facebook post, which is strange, because I'm not active on Facebook."
"The post read, 'I'm outraged that my grandchildren weren't allowed at this event, but when a teen mother who couldn't be responsible enough to leave her child with the father brings her baby, it's perfectly fine.'"
"The post was from the groom's mother. To make things worse, she's also been telling family members that I'm lying about what she said regarding my daughter's appearance."
"So now I'm wondering, am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had done everything she could for the wedding.
"NTA. You did everything right. You don't need the grandmother's permission."
"I went to a shower once and asked the host ahead of time if kids were included or not, just so I could plan. She said they wanted child-free so it would be a more relaxed atmosphere. I totally understood and made arrangements for my husband and father to take my two young children to the zoo for the day."
"One of the cousins from the other side of the family stopped in on their way home from out of state and had their whole family along, including their children. The host came up to me and was apologizing and explaining, and I just said, 'It's fine! They are in a different situation. Plus, it's nice for me to have a break from my kids, too!'" - craftymama45
"First of all, I don't think YTA. You made plans to respect their choices of a child-free wedding and asked only when your plans fell through at the last minute. You are given permission, you had people to watch the baby at the event. I take no quarrel with the series of events."
"I think we can also agree that race is a factor here and I don't want to ignore that, she was the problem."
"But I hope you can understand that for everyone that wasn't allowed to bring their children there may be some resentment that you were offered an exception. Personally, I feel like it should be all or nothing. Either don't do a child free wedding or don't give exceptions it just causes hard feelings."
"Personally, I don't like the idea of having a day so perfect it can't have a kid crying ruining it (wink). Weddings are about family and relationships and children make up a lot of it."
"But that's just an opinion it holds no weight and I offer it only as an aside." - LadyAmemyst
"NTA. You had child care that backed out. You cleared it with the bride who had no problem with it. This is absolutely none of the mother's business. I'm also guessing the child-free rule was probably set because of the mother of the groom's grandchildren." - booboo773
"I was all ready to vote against OP when I saw the headline, but the fact is that this wasn't technically a child-free wedding."
"The moment the bride and groom agreed to allow your child, it became a mostly-childfree wedding instead of a truly childfree one... because what defines the rules at a wedding is whatever the bride and groom say they are, within reason."
"If they say this particular child is an exception and is welcome, then that's how it is." - VoyagerVII
"Dollars to donuts the groom's niblings are hellraisers that don't listen, meanwhile OP's kid has normal two-year-old reactions if overstimulated."
"OP went to the bride, and she and the groom were clearly okay with that specific child coming, knowing that OP had found a babysitter and it fell through, and wanted OP and her siblings (potentially reasonable last-minute babysitters) at the wedding." - RebeccaMCullen
Others understood why the mother-in-law was upset but could not justify her behavior.
"NTA, but if I was the mil I would have been upset. The kids who are related to the groom were not allowed to attend while some kid who is not related to the bride was allowed." - Expert-Bus9720
"The OP is NTA, something came up, she asked permission and didn't just show up baby in tow, and the bride happily made an exception. The MIL should've taken this up with her son after the wedding, not the OP, and not during the wedding, and certainly being racist isn't ever acceptable, gross."
"That said, I agree that if grandkids, nieces, nephews, and other kids part of the family were excluded and their parents' made other arrangements, then you see the bride's friend as the sole person with a child, it will raise questions and even resentment regarding the policy or favoritism."
"Others probably felt similarly peeved by the perhaps glaring exception of a singular baby there, but they had the good manners to keep it to themselves."
"As the bride, I would have just told the OP that I understand the situation but please understand mine as well, that none of the kids in my family are allowed and it would feel unfair to everyone else and I wouldn't want to come off as being unfair. I would probably brainstorm some other childcare options with the OP if need be."
"But again, none of this is the OP's fault or the OP being an a-hole herself. The anger is misdirected." - LooksieBee
"NTA: But to be honest, part of me really want to say NAH because I kinda think the grandmother is justified in being upset but she should have been upset with the bride and not you. Because it is a little messed up the groom's nieces and nephews couldn't come but the bride's friend's child can."
"Sidenote: I am also curious if she simply meant your child isn't family and this wasn't about race." - Apart-Scene-9059
"I would agree with N-A-H if she handled how she was upset as an adult with adult-level emotional regulation rather than... how she did. That's what we really need to focus on when we talk about 'Feelings are Valid.'"
"Yes. Feelings are valid, no one can truly control how they feel about things. The caveat to that is that we need to be able to act and respond without letting our emotions run the entire show. When emotions run the show, this is what we get here, lashing out and causing a dramatic mess."
"People have asked me how I usually manage to maintain calm when something upsetting or frustrating happens. My first step is always to take a deep breath and let my brain run through all the cursing or frustrating rants that want to burst out, then focus on what truly caused the upset or the problem. If that means asking clarifying questions, do so, and always approach the situation from the mindset that you do not have all the information."
"If the grandmother had popped over to either the bride or groom and quietly asked, "I noticed
"A reasonable person would understand that it wasn't as a slight to anyone; it was just a very generous consideration to someone who had been very willing and tried to adhere to the "No Children" rule but was stymied right at the gates."
"Sure, being upset is fine. Immediately becoming accusatory because one is upset is not fine. (I mean, obviously, there can be some exceptions to this in extreme circumstances, but I don't truly think this is one of those.)"
"Since the Groom was the one to immediately put his foot down with his parents after his mother's rude comment, it seems pretty apparent that he understood the circumstances and agreed with his bride that it was a reasonable accommodation."
"As a small aside, I feel like the people 'with cause' to address this issue would've been the groom's siblings, whose children they are, and not necessarily the grandmother. Yes, those are her grandchildren, but if the siblings/siblings' spouses are not bothered by not being able to bring their children, I'm unsure why the grandmother should be kicking up a fuss - especially continuing the fuss later by blasting it on Facebook."
"I just couldn't help but notice it was the groom's parents giving her stares, but there wasn't any mention of his siblings giving her looks, or commenting, or really their reaction at all. To me, that reads as it either being a non-issue for them or not enough of an issue that it bothered them. To be honest, I'm really curious if the siblings were just fine with the idea of being able to attend a wedding and reception without the children?" - AmbrosiaWriter
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update after speaking to the bride again.
"Hi again, everyone. I first want to start off with a huge thank you for all the advice and reassurance! I wanted to give an update and clarify a few things after reading the feedback I received."
"First off, I do have a Facebook account, but I don't use it often. I only found out about the post because someone sent it to me in messages, which is how I saw the groom's mother's comments."
"Regarding Amelia's father, he couldn't take her that weekend because he lives a bit farther away and struggles when plans change at the last minute, especially when it's not his scheduled day to have her. On top of that, my family members, who I would trust to watch Amelia, were all attending the wedding, so there weren't many other options."
"Now, some of you mentioned I could have dropped out of the wedding, and I want to address that. Dropping out of the bridal party was actually the first option I presented to the bride when I realized I couldn't find a new babysitter. I didn't want to complicate her big day."
"However, she didn't want me to drop out and reassured me that it would be fine to bring Amelia. So while bringing my daughter was the second option, the bride did have the choice of me stepping down if she had preferred that."
"Yesterday, I spoke with the bride again, and she told me that she explained everything to her MIL, making it clear that it wasn't my fault Amelia was there; it was a decision made between her and her husband."
"She also revealed the real reason behind the child-free rule: it wasn't directed at all kids. The bride had been trying to avoid having her mother-in-law's grandchildren there because they had been 'nightmares' at other events, as described by the bride herself. The bride didn't want to cause any more drama by openly sharing that reason, so she kept it under the radar."
"I feel a lot better knowing that my friend still supports my decision, and I'm relieved that the real issue wasn't about me or Amelia. While I'll definitely be more cautious with similar situations in the future, I'm glad I prioritized Amelia's safety and well-being."
"Thanks again to everyone who shared their thoughts. I truly appreciate it."
While the subReddit could understand how someone might be upset to see someone's child at a child-free wedding, they felt that the OP handled the situation in the best way she could in an impossible situation, and ultimately, it was up to the bride and groom.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp