Sometimes we make promises we don’t want to keep. Or maybe we completely forget about them.
Like a promise to make a friend a bridesmaid when you’re 20 may not be someone you even talk to when you’re 25.
But what if that former friend reminds you of your promise?
Do you make them part of your wedding party?
A bride dealing with that issue turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
“AITA for telling my bridesmaid that she can’t wear the same hairstyle as me for my wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m getting married next month, and one of my bridesmaids, Nola (name changed for privacy) seems to have a hard time agreeing with any of my decisions.”
“My (25, female) bridesmaid Nola (25, female) said she does not like the hairstyle I have picked for the bridesmaids and is going to be wearing the same hairstyle as me. When I told her no, she got very upset.”
“My bridesmaids are wearing a messy bun, and I’ll be having my hair down in Hollywood waves.”
“It was a majority vote by the other bridesmaids.”
“I let them pick from a bunch of hairstyles and my closest friend and bridesmaid got to decide whether they all wear the same style or each can do their own. She decided uniformity would look good.”
“For context, Nola and I have known each other for nearly five years. The only reason she’s a bridesmaid is because she called me on a promise I made her years ago.”
“I told Nola that I’d make her my bridesmaid three years ago before I even met my fiancé. And she called me on it this year even though we aren’t close anymore.”
“We haven’t spoken much in the last two years. Mainly because she would talk crap about my fiancé and that made me uncomfortable. She still doesn’t get along with him.”
“I’m really bad at saying no, so I said yes.”
“So yeah, last minute I had to rush to arrange a bridesmaid outfit and accessories for her. I am paying all the bridesmaids’ costs from my own pocket—they are paying for their own hair & makeup.”
“Nola has already said she doesn’t like the bridesmaids’ outfit and asked me to change it. I was unable to that as my other bridesmaids loved theirs and the dresses were non-refundable.”
“Nola said the bridesmaid dress I chose was very ‘old fashioned’ and she didn’t like the look of it. What I chose is a very traditional outfit in both our cultures, as while I now live abroad I still want to hold on to my heritage.”
“All the other bridesmaids are very pleased with the choice as it is a super flattering, fitted, sparkly sequined dress!”
“I also asked my bridesmaids to wear any colour of the rainbow to my bridal shower, and I told them I’m wearing white. I saw this trend where the bride wears white as white/light refracts into the colors of the rainbow, symbolizing how they are all part of who I am.”
“There are no gifts at my bridal shower. It is a get together I’m organising and calling a ‘bridal shower’. None of my bridesmaids have met each other in person, and I thought it would be a great opportunity for everyone to meet.”
“It’s games and food and going over the wedding day plans.”
“I’ve been to baby showers and know they have themes. Hence, I picked a ‘theme’ for my bridal shower.”
“My culture dictates no gifts expected or allowed. The bride & groom must pay for everything—after all they are the ones calling these guests to partake in celebrations.”
“Nola said: ‘I’m wearing pink’.”
“Me: ‘Uh, sorry, but pink isn’t a rainbow color. Did you want to pick something else?’.”
“Nola: ‘Fine, then I’ll wear white.'”
“Me: ‘That isn’t a rainbow colour either and I’m wearing white, how about you wear green?’.”
“Nola: ‘I’ll think about it’.”
“I honestly didn’t think it was a big ask.”
“But I will offer to pay for the dresses for the shower.”
“I showed Nola a picture of my bridal gown, she thought it didn’t look good on me. All my other bridesmaids said they love how it looks on me and it reflects my personality.”
“I’ve already asked her to cater to my above requests—not changing the bridesmaid dress & wearing a rainbow colour for the bridal shower.”
“Am I being a bridezilla with my request? Or is she being a bridesmaid-zilla? Should I agree to her requests? Wearing pink at the bridal shower? Or doing her hair like mine?”
“AITA for also asking her not to wear her hair like mine & wear it like the rest of the bridesmaids?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I asked my bridesmaid not to wear the same hairstyle as me on my wedding day.”
“I have already asked her to cater to my other requirements, and I am not sure if I am asking too much of her and being a bridezilla.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. But OP, she had to push you into making her a bridesmaid, and she knows it. She’s self-centered and making trouble deliberately.”
“Please tell her that since she doesn’t want to do the gig as defined, she’s out. Don’t give her another chance, or she’ll show up on your wedding day looking like you.”
“You’re allowing a lot of flexibility, but she’s set to hit you with it.” ~ calling_water
“I had a demanding bridesmaid. She was self-centered up to the point of later causing a scene at my shower.”
“OP should drop her now so she doesn’t have to stress on her wedding day.”
“Also, guarantee you one or more (likely all) bridesmaids are sick of her and are just putting up with her for your sake.” ~ LeikOfForest
“NTA, but stand up for yourself and ask her to step down as a bridesmaid because it clearly isn’t working out.”
“I’m sure it seems scary to do so, but do you really want this stress and negativity for your wedding day?” ~ yekemoon
“NTA. Just uninvite her. OP hasn’t talked to Nola in 2 years and Nola is obviously a selfish AH, why would she want her in her life?”
“Just send her a text: ‘Your behaviour made me reevaluate our friendship and I came to the conclusion, that you don’t have my best interest at heart’.”
“‘You trying to force your own views on me and deliberately choosing options I not only chose to set myself apart from the bridal party but are also typically reserved for the bride like a white dress feels disrespectful and selfish’.”
“‘I want to surround myself on my wedding day with people who love and support me. Sadly, it looks like you are not one of them and therefore are no longer welcome’.”
“If that feels too harsh, OP can soften it by basically saying ‘if you can’t change your attitude, I can’t welcome you at my wedding anymore’.” ~ KMN208
“NTA, but you would be if you let her walk all over you!”
“Sit her down and lay down the law. Tell her how it’ll work, or she can be a regular guest or not come at all.” ~ ThisEnvironment6627
However, a few thought everyone sucked (ESH).
“ESH she sounds annoying but so do you. ‘You have to pay for your hair, but you can only wear it the way I tell you’.”
“Then you tell her she can wear any color of the rainbow but then tell her she can’t actually. Any color of the rainbow generally implies any color at all, but you decide that it must be an ‘official’ rainbow color.”
“What’s more cringe is that you chose this because that way, they all represent you. Gross.”
“It’s a shower that other people are supposed to throw for you, not you get to dictate and control everyone else.” ~ Joelle9879
“Maybe as a man I’m a bit biased but this seems a complete waste of time and energy.
“ESH. Why do you care so much about other people’s hair? Why would she be so stubborn about a hairstyle?”
“Eveyone needs to relax more.” ~ Archon-Toten
“ESH—eh, she seems difficult, but—so do you.”
“Dress is fine, but the exact same hairstyle? And what to wear to the bridal shower? That’s too much.” ~ jrm1102
“ESH. She doesn’t seem like a person you actually want in your wedding, so you shouldn’t have asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place. The only time that’s appropriate is if your spouse-to-be and you both agree to include siblings or something.”
“Don’t ask everyone you know. Especially based on a promise from 3 years ago.”
“She seems like a pain, but you also seem too controlling. To avoid becoming a bridezilla, I would recommend taking a step back and also making sure your bridesmaids actually ARE OK with your dress and hair choices.”
“Maybe they are scared to disappoint you?” ~ 1cecream4breakfast
But the majority voted NTA.
“NTA. She’s definitely playing games with you, especially the wearing white bullsh*t…giving you unnecessary problems at literally every turn.”
“Just do yourself a favor and drop her…or if you really really want to keep her, tell her exactly what the dress/color/hair etc… is gonna be.”
“Period.” ~ OctoWings13
The OP offered an update.
“I did have a chat with her and she will do a half up half down hairstyle. So she won’t match me, but she also won’t match any of the bridesmaids, but I’m going to ignore that.”
“But I’ve told myself anymore disagreements and I’ll be firm with her that I’m doing things my way.”
“And she is welcome to sit as a guest if it’s getting difficult for her to agree to my requests.”
It sounds like this bride has found the best answer to her problem.
Hopefully, the rest of her wedding goes off without a hitch.