Redditor throwawaybride824 is getting married soon and has a very specific vision for her wedding day.
This vision includes specific colors, and a specific color for her maid-of-honor, in particular, to wear.
However, the Original Poster's (OP's) maid-of-honor and long-time best friend doesn't want to spend money on a dress she'll never wear again.
This has caused friction between the two, ultimately driving the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for not letting my maid of honor choose her dress?"
She went on to explain.
"I'm [32-year-old female] getting married in August. My best friend Crissy [fake name, 30-year-old female] agreed to be my maid of honor and seemed really excited for me."
"I told her I wanted my colors to be dark green and and pale pink and she agreed it was a really pretty combination."
"So when we were dress shopping she kept picking out green dresses. I told her I wanted her to wear pink instead."
"She was disappointed and said she doesn't like pink and would probably not buy a dress from the store we were at if it wasn't in a color she liked (because the boutique was pricy)."
"I can understand that so I just asked that she find an appropriate dress in the specific shade of pink I like."
"Since then she has been sending me links to dresses that are NOT close to the color at all and green ones with pink floral."
"She made a comment about how when I was her maid of honor a few years ago, she let me buy a dress I've worn multiple times since."
"This pissed me off because her colors were navy and silver, so of course the blue dress she wanted me to buy is more versatile."
"But it's my turn now and I think the dress is a standard part of the maid of honor role. Its making me think she's not going to be a good maid of honor to me."
"I mentioned this to my sister and she said I was being a bridezilla."
"She reminded me that crissy was a really relaxed bride and that we obviously have different expectations about wedding roles and need to talk it out."
"I know she's probably right, but I'm upset that she thinks I'm being a bridezilla."
"Crissys wedding was a lot different than what I would have picked for myself- it was really casual and had a lot of cutesy, homemade elements."
"My style is more elegant and classy and I don't think there's anything wrong with that."
"When I first started talking to Crissy about my wedding plans, she kept reminding me that it's one day and just a party and stuff like that."
"But I have dreamed about this day since I was little."
"I feel like Crissy doesn't understand how important it is to me that my day is picture perfect because she admitted getting married wasn't ever really important to her."
"My fiancé says he understands why I'm upset, my sister says I suck, and Crissy hasn't texted me back since I shot down the last few dresses she sent me."
"So AITA??"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"YTA. If you want her in a pink dress from a pricey boutique, you pay for it. I don't understand this tradition that a bridal party should pay for their own outfits anyway." - PoetRevolutionary160
"YTA. Pull your head in. If you want to dictate what someone wears you cough up the cash. End of."
"And Pearl pink does not automatically equal elegant. Newsflash different colours work/don't work on different skin tones." - princess_banana_
"So basically you want her to purchase a dress that she never ever would wear again? Usually pink dresses are not as desirable beyond the age of 12."
"Perhaps you should pay for the dress if you are so much into it."
"YTA" - Purplefox71
"YTA for asking for feedback on something and then just being defensive and arguing in the comments."
"Why don't you let her wear green? It's still in your colour scheme. Or cough up the cash and buy the dress you want her to wear."
"Yikes. If this is the expectations you are already putting on the day I can guarantee 100% that you're going to be disappointed."
"Your wedding isn't about what other people are wearing - it's about you and your partner and enjoying an amazing day with people you love."
"If you are making it about this kind of thing already you will only focus on the things that go wrong - which they will." - No_Artichoke4544
"So essentialy 'I want you to wear a diffrent color of a dress and I don't care if you will fell worse in it, I just want to feel good'"
"ofc YTA, however its your wedding so you can do whetever the hell you want." - bajlajs
"Yta. If you're going to insist it be a dress she's never gonna be able to wear again, you need to pay for it." - Troytegan
"YTA"
"You got to spend on a dress that fit her relaxed attitude to her wedding knowing fine rightly you'll get lots of subsequent use out of it."
"You're trying to make her pick a colour, not even a style as such but a colour, that she is not going to get anywhere near enough use out of. While still expecting her to pay for it."
"Your attitude sucks, you might think it looks elegant etc and yes it is your wedding (hoping fiancée had a say but something tells me he got no input at all)…"
"…if you're that set on her wearing pink and she obviously doesn't like it then you pay for the dress."
"'my sister says I suck'"
"You do, high five to sister"
"'Crissy hasn't texted me back since I shot down the last few dresses she sent me.'"
"Gee I wonder why" - ZookeepergameNo7151
"YTA automatically for basically saying her 'cutesy homemade' wedding wasn't classy like yours is going to be."
"I'm not sure you understand what 'class' actually means, which is unsurprising considering you clearly don't have any."
"You're trying to force your good friend to wear something she's not going to feel comfortable in and she gets to foot the bill to boot?"
"You should want your bridal party to feel their best on such a special day which means taking their feelings into account…"
"…especially when your other colour option is something she was happy to accommodate!" - Medical_Insurance_39
"NTA Every wedding I know of the bridesmaids had to pay for their dresses and shoes, which the bride chose."
"This is so common, there are jokes about being stuck with expensive dresses you'll never wear again. This is in Michigan USA. I know customs differ." - Holiday_Trainer_2657
"YTA - If you want Crissy to wear a dress she hates, you buy it, if you expect her to pay for it, you compromise."
"You are not owed a picture-perfect day, your bridesmaids are not dolls for you to dress up."
"I was a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding, she paid for the dress, I wore what she chose, I literally didn't care since she was paying…"
"…but I would never have wasted several hundred pounds of my own money on the monstrosity she chose."
"Most people don't want to waste their hard-earned money on a dress they hate and will never wear again to prevent an entitled bride from throwing a tantrum"
"You have three choices here, insist she wears the dress you pick but pay for it yourself, she pays for the dress and wears a colour she is comfortable in or she isn't MOH in your wedding."
"Life is compromise. Even for brides." - history_buff_9971
"Ok, in Portugal we don't have a panoply of maid of honour, we have a best man and the equivalent female counterpart. So, maybe I'm insensitive to your, really 1st world problem. But you svck."
"If the colours are light pink OR dark green and she likes the last one and not the 1st, let her buy it! You say navy blue is mire versatile. Gess what, so is dark green."
"Stop being a snob. YTA" - boredportuguese77
"YTA - what sealed it for me is how you talked about her wedding vs yours. Calling hers 'cutesy/casual' and yours 'classy and elegant' says way more than you probably think it does."
"It comes across that your day matters more than hers did therefore you deserve to get your way."
"It's 2023, if you're hellbent on her wearing a dress color you know she won't wear again, buy the dress. Otherwise let her wear a green dress or ask her to step down and likely lose her as a friend."
"It's time for you to decide if aesthetics that really only you care about or your friendship matters more."
"ETA: your second edit REALLY Seals you as the AH. Don't post on AITA asking if you're the AH if you're going to refuse to accept the verdict and be hyper defensive." - Strict-Issue-2030
The OP went on to edit their original post before deleting the whole thing:"
"Edit: I want to make it clear that Crissy is my best friend, we've known each other for almost 10 years. I'm not kicking her out of the role or asking her to step down."
"We're not fighting about this, she's very supportive about everything else except this one thing. I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable expecting her to wear what I want"
"Edit 2: fine I will ask if she wants me to help pay for the dress. I still don't think I'm the a**hole"
Eek.
Well, here's hoping the bride's compromise to help pay for the dress will help some.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.