*TW: miscarriage*
Babies coming into this world are cause for much celebration.
However for some who struggle with fertility, seeing other people have babies can be complicated and bittersweet.
Redditor Exotic-Suspect-411 experienced a miscarriage that caused her a great deal of emotional pain.
Now, the Original Poster’s (OP’s) brother and his wife are expecting a baby girl.
The OP is beyond thrilled to meet her niece, but the impending birth naturally has her reflecting on the trauma she’s experienced.
Recently the OP’s brother made an insensitive comment that cut deeply into the OP’s trauma.
That drove her to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for feedback.
She asked:
“AITA for canceling my brother’s baby shower after he made a hurtful joke about my miscarriage?”
She went on to say:
“I am the oldest sibling out of four and my brothers have always been rough on me because I’m a girl.”
“By the way I’m the only girl my parents had and all of my brothers are 1 year younger than me, they were triplets.”
“I’ve always been the one to be a second mom to my brothers because whenever our parents couldn’t get it I would.”
“One of my brothers had found a wife and they’ve had a baby girl. I am very close to my brother and his wife and even his wife was excited to have me as the babies aunt.”
“I love this baby with all of my heart being that this is my first niece and I plan on spoiling her because I’m financially stable and even though I’m not wealthy…”
“…I still have a good amount of spending money.”
“I also had a miscarriage about 2 years ago that was really hard on me so having a baby that I would be close with was extremely emotional and exciting for me.”
“On the other hand my brother is not, he’s very traditional and wants to be the breadwinner/ provider of his family.”
“He and his wife want to have a baby shower but it would mean they would loose a great sum of money they can’t afford.”
“I’ve offered to pay for the whole thing because I love them and the baby, plus it would be a beautiful moment for both sides of their family.”
“My husband and I coordinated with them and payed for anything they wanted for the baby shower.”
“A few weeks before the baby shower my brother, his wife, my husband, and my other brothers were at our parent’s house for a football game.”
“The topic of babies and the baby shower they planned came up and my brother made a joke saying ‘I’m glad my wife is in working condition so we could be the first ones to have a baby…’”
“‘…it feels good to be the first sibling for something.’”
“That really hurt because I was so excited to be having a baby but when me and my husband got the news it devastated us and it took us a while to become better.”
“I went home crying and I blocked my brother on everything. I couldn’t believe how inconsiderate and insensitive he was especially after I gave him everything.”
“I texted him one time saying ‘We won’t be paying for your baby shower anymore, what you did was horrible and I don’t want to speak to you again.’”
“He told our family and now they’re all trying to contact me but I don’t want to hear it.”
“So Reddit am I the a**hole?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA. It’s been 33 yrs since my wife miscarried. It’s still not something we bring up.”
“There are so many people that don’t understand the pain the parents endure when a miscarriage happens.” – sissysindy109
“Not my story but my friend’s. Technically this belongs in petty revenge but I think y’all get a chuckle out of this.”
“40 odd years ago, he and his wife suffered a miscarriage. They had, at one time, belonged to a very conservative Baptist church.”
“When the miscarriage happened, everyone was sympathetic towards them…except for the minister.”
“This minister told them in front of the congregation that he didn’t feel sorry for them because their baby died before being baptized so that baby was going to hell.”
“It took everything from my friend not to kill the guy but…he got his revenge. Not only did they leave that church; he signed up that minister for every dirty magazine subscription he could think of.”
“The minister got kicked out because of it.” – Questn4Lyfe
“NTA. Your brother did not made a joke. I think he was cruel and I question if you are really have a close relationship to him.”
“A woman is not a tool (‘working condition’) you can use to produce babies.” – Justrennt
“NTA….and your brothers weren’t rough on you because you’re a girl. They were rough on you because they were bullies and it sounds as though this brother still is.”
“I also have three brothers and they would never, ever have said something so cruel and mean spirited. Your brother can’t have it both ways.”
“He can’t be an a**hole to you and then expect that you to still pay for a baby shower. Your family are probably trying to contact you so they don’t get stuck with the bill.” – KathAlMyPal
“NTA”
“I’m betting he’s spinning the story, to make himself look good.”
“Set the record straight and stand your ground, and if people are still pressuring you to pay, tell them to pay for it as you won’t and then you’ll hear all the excuses on how they can’t.” – rwee2000
“NTA, I too am a big sister but only to two brothers, not that it makes a difference. Nonetheless, my brother would be down a sister if he EVER fixed his mouth to utter such disrespect.”
“That comment sat on his mind & he couldn’t wait to say it & said it so gleefully as if he one up’d you, or the other brothers.”
“Yeah nah that’s f**ked up & I am sorry for your loss.” – TankBubbly889
“NTA – Your brother basically said he’s glad your baby died so he’s the first one to have a child. Wtf?!”
“This is not some f‘ing joke. And there’s no way to throw flowers over it to make it look better. And there’s no way to take that back.”
“He, as a soon to be father himself, should be able to at least kind of imagine what it would be like to lose his child.”
“I’d send a message to everyone that they should hardly think about what they want to tell you, bc you’ll cut everyone off who wants to smooth things over…”
“…tell you you’re overreacting or to put it into a different life. He literally said he’s glad and happy your baby died, and there’s no way in hell to turn this around.”
“And no one should come to you with a „that’s not what he meant“ – bc that’s exactly what he meant.” – Signal_Historian_456
“My wife’s first miscarriage was 20 years ago on the morning of my birthday.”
“If someone said something like your brother, even today much less then, I would cut them out of my life and never look back. That was just cruel. You aren’t wrong. NTA.” – Tunnynuke
“Oooff NTA. That was cruel. Take time to heal. Let your husband field call and screen them.”
“If your family is calling to be supportive, he can let them through. If they are calling to be a**holes, give him full permission to tell them off” – Last_Caterpillar8770
“NTA.”
“I have a brother. He knows I would cut him off in a heartbeat if he ever treated me or anyone else like this.”
“He wants a family and kids. He wouldn’t be shocked if I picked whoever ends up marrying him over him if he acts up.”
“You deserve love and respect from people you keep in your inner circle.” – MoodInternational481
The OP went on to update her original post, saying:
“Ive been reading a lot of the comments and I would like to thank everyone who gave their support and opinion. I will be answering some common questions I’ve been hearing”
“1. What was the S. I. L. and families reaction? Everyone did not agree with this comment and the sister in law was pissed he even said something so rude.”
“She texted me how sorry she was in his behalf and she says she totally understands why I made my decision.”
“2. Did he apologize? He believes he did nothing wrong so he’s standing on his action. While I am upset by his blindness to how this could be hurtful I’m not the kind to argue until I get an apology.”
“I have made the decision to try to still give my sister in law a baby shower because she deserves it.”
“I don’t want to ruin my relationship with her or my niece so I’m trying to figure out a way to give her a baby shower and still hold my grounds with my brother.”
“If you have any suggestions please let me know!”
Some things simply are not jokes.