Dating a close friend’s ex has ended more than a few friendships. It’s not about jealousy and possessiveness all the time, either.
If the couple has parted ways and wasn’t originally part of the same social group, it can be uncomfortable to suddenly have someone you were intimate with for years back in your life.
Now, imagine if the person dating the ex is a younger sibling.
A man dealing with this situation, as well as being lied to by his brother and parents, turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Icy-Attention5410 asked:
“AITA for walking out of my parents’ anniversary party when my brother announced his engagement to my ex?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (32, male) just discovered my brother (29, male) has secretly been seeing my college ex-girlfriend over the past year. We broke up 8 years ago, and we’d been going out for 4 years prior to the split.”
“We actually knew each other very seriously when we’d gotten together.”
“I challenged him when I discovered this, and he said he didn’t say anything to me because he didn’t want me to get angry with him.”
“Last weekend, we celebrated my parents’ 40th-anniversary celebration. My brother brought her to the party as his guest without letting me know beforehand.”
“Her arrival with my brother left me shocked. Since we broke up, I hadn’t laid eyes on her.”
“During the meal, they declared their engagement, and my mom began crying tears of joy. I couldn’t take it and left.”
“My brother trailed behind me, and we got in a big fight.”
“I told him he should have warned me at the very least. He said I was being self-centered and spoiling our parents’ party.”
“That evening, my dad phoned me, telling me I humiliated the family by leaving.”
“My parents definitely knew. They’ve probably been excited about welcoming her back to the family for months.”
“I don’t have romantic feelings towards my ex anymore, but the surprise reveal and secrecy at my parents’ celebration felt thoughtless.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because I walked out on a family dinner.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Reversed for any one of them, they would feel the same way.”
“It’s weird enough that your brother pursued your ex. Even worse, he’d keep the relationship a secret and then drop a huge bomb in front of a lot of people like that.”
“If I had a friend date an ex of mine, I’d expect it to be made known and treated with the nuance the situation deserves, so obviously, for a SIBLING, that is the literal least he could have done.”
“I’m also guessing that in this situation, your parents must’ve known about the relationship and hid it from you as well. It sounds like they were just excited about getting a daughter-in-law and totally disregarded how uncomfortable it would be for you.”
“I don’t think walking out is rude. Sure, maybe you could have told your parents you wanted to head home or something, but I think that is a pretty adult response to that situation.”
“Many people would have blown up on the spot. Way to be for standing up for yourself.” ~ ArniePalmie_365
“Also seems super weird that she’d even agree to date the brother. Is it just me, or is there an ick factor there?” ~ SuspiciousZombie788
“And they announced their engagement at the parents’ 40th anniversary party. The brother clearly enjoys stepping on other people’s stuff, which makes it seem like that is the reason he was with her in the first place.” ~ alien_overlord_1001
“This sounds like a setup, like they planned to ambush you in a very public setting to tell you that not only were they dating, but they’re engaged.”
“They’ve been together for a year, but how? Did he seek her out, or did she find him? I have so many questions.”
“You call her your college girlfriend, which usually means someone you met during and at college. If it was your high school girlfriend, I could see her continuing to interact with your family because that usually means you share the same hometown.
“College girlfriend means you might not even have been from the same state, and neither one of you might live anywhere near where you went to college. If you were from the Midwest, and she was from the South, and you both went to college in New England, this would be creepy AF.”
“Either way, if you take advantage of a social situation to ambush someone with something you know is upsetting, you don’t get to complain that their being upset ruined your social situation. NTA.”
“Also, 32-8=24-4=20 was the age you were when you started dating her. 29-8=21-4=17. Your brother was 21 when you broke up, but he was only 17 when she met him. Ewww. I could never date a man I met when I was an adult, and he was a child.”
“Age difference wouldn’t bother me, but him being the underage younger brother would ick me out even more than just dating the brother of someone I was with for 4 years.” ~ MohawMais
“I think this was likely orchestrated by the brother. Everyone knew except OP, so they probably thought he already knew, especially if they knew for…a year?”
“So OP comes off as petty and hung up on the past, but he was just late to the party, but that was on purpose. Brother didn’t have the balls to tell him and thought he’d go with the crowd.” ~ Voiceofreason8787
“My wife and I met when she was dating a friend of mine. They have a son together. When she and I got into a relationship over 20 years after they split up, he was the first person we called.”
“Sure we f*cked with him for a bit, but it was all in good fun and he was legitimately happy for us. Since we were open and upfront with everyone who knew us, we had no drama over our getting together. We remained friends until he passed in 2018.”
“I can’t wrap my head around why any of these people thought hiding the truth from OP was the way to handle this. I would seriously reconsider keeping any of these people in my life after this if I was OP.” ~ tsktsktsk23
“The fact they hid the information from you for so long means they knew there was something not right about it.” ~ theunpoet
“It’s really sad actually how everyone kept quiet on it. It was totally disrespectful to OP and I honestly don’t know what they expected. I would’ve walked out if I felt betrayed by my entire family, too.”
“I’m sorry OP. You should’ve been told a year ago and then warned she was coming to your family celebration at the very least.” ~ Alwayslearning_TBing
“NTA. ‘He said I was being self-centered and spoiling our parents’ party’. He was the one that made it about you.”
“He wanted to see your reaction and he wanted you cornered and in public, just in case the reaction was bad.”
“He could have told you they were dating before they were engaged, and he could have done so in private. Instead, he made sure it was a spectacle… featuring you.” ~ CareyAHHH
“NTA. Your brother was the one, ‘…being self-centered and spoiling the party’. Talk about projection when he said you did this!”
“How on earth can a father say you were the one who humiliated the family? Is this a heavy lose face culture?”
“Take a look a the secret keeping, lying, entitled, boasting, fight provoking other son, Dad!”
“OP, I am so sorry you lived this. People who love another DO NOT do the multiple intentional actions your brother did to you.”
“This includes your ex since one can end a relationship and choose not to treat the other like crap. I cannot fathom someone not being empathetic to your circumstance.”
“LIVE the very best LIFE you can for YOU. Remember who supported you during this and gravitate to authentic caring awesome people!” ~ DesertSong-LaLa
“NTA. It ‘s rich that he calls you self-centered, but he makes an announcement making himself the center of attention at a party celebrating your parents.” ~ tmbdp
“What is it with all these parents supporting their kids getting with their other children’s exes? It’s just downright weird that they can accept two of their children have banged the same man/woman and have intimate knowledge of them.”
“Just can’t wrap my head around it. What kind of woman goes for the brother of her ex that she was with for 4 years? Did she always have a thing for him? How old was he when she started having the hots for him? Because you were pretty young when you started dating.”
“I just find it all a bit incesty even though it technically isn’t. Drop the lot to save the rot. No one needs that in their life.” ~ No-Inflation8412
People had no issues with the OP walking out of an ambush.
Everyone seemed to take issue with the OP’s brother and his ex.