When we find ourselves in a pinch of some kind, we sometimes do things in the heat of the moment that we may regret.
Well aware that what we did was wrong.
Should this have worked to our advantage, however, we might be inclined to do it again.
Even though this time we were not in a pinch, nor is doing so any less wrong than it was before.
The neighbor of Redditor lemonpoppiez once found themselves in a pinch and came up with what they thought was a solution.
As this "solution" worked out, the OP's neighbor did this over and over again.
However, this solution also involved the OP, and the OP began to grow increasingly uneasy with this being a regular occurrence.
Eventually leading them to say so to their neighbor.
Unsure of whether or not they did the right thing, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA For Telling My Neighbor To Stop Leaving Their Elderly Mother On My Porch?"
The OP explained why they felt it was necessary to confront their neighbor:
"My neighbor kept leaving their elderly mom on my porch while they ran errands."
"I tried to be helpful and accepted it in my first encounters."
"But then I think that my neighbor think that I am too kind and took advantage of it."
"I'd be in the middle of working and notice her just sitting there for hours, and it made me feel trapped because I never agreed to watch her but at the same time I pity the elderly."
"It stressed me out knowing I was being put in that position without any choice."
"I am a kind neighbor but this is too much."
"I have my own life, my own deadlines and problems, and I can't focus on my life while also worrying if something might to the old woman on my porch."
"I am softhearted and if something happens to the elderly the guilt would eat me up."
"If she fell or got sick, I know it would somehow fall back on me, and that thought really bothered me."
"I told them to stop leaving her in my place, but somehow she insisted that I don't have to watch her at all since she's just sitting there doing nothing."
"But still as I said, I can't handle the guilt if anything happens."
"I don't get why people like this."
"I would't even let my dog outside, how can they take leaving their own relative outside?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for confronting their neighbor.
Everyone agreed that not only was the OP's neighbor being negligent, to the point of abusive, to their mother, but what they did could also be viewed as trespassing, and the OP should report them to the authorities:
"NTA."
"Can you call adult protective services and ask for a welfare check?"- LotsofCatsFI
"NTA."
"However kind you are, you aren't responsible for their mother."
"I would be tempted to tell them you'll call the police next time it happens - it's not your job and you're right to be worried if something happens to her."
"Would you be liable?"
"Could they sue you if she gets hurt on your property?"
"I'm not a lawyer but I wonder if this falls under elder abuse/neglect."- chicky75
"NTA report them to the police."
"If the mom gets hurt or worse you'd be in trouble."
"If they can't say home and care for her she needs to be in a nursing home or at least have a professionally trained caregiver."- Fireemblemisthebest
"NTA."
"Put up a gate, take away your porch furniture if that's where she's sitting, intercept the neighbor when they're dropping off the parent and just say no."
"Don't argue, don't give reasons, just - no."- catsaway9
"NTA."
"And if it continues, you should tell them that you plan to call whatever your local number is for senior's care or city services."
"If something happened to them on your property you could absolutely be liable."
"Approach the conversation with kindness in case it goes sour."- floataboveit
"NTA."
"Report elderly neglect."
"In contacting the authorities you may help the poor woman being abandoned."
"Never know what's going on in that house."
"But definitely not your responsibility past maybe a phone call."- Useful-Courage8381
"NTA."
'tbh you should report her for elderly neglect."- SogginOnYaMommin
"NTA."
"Call the police."
"Some random people are on your porch."
"It's not taking advantage of your kindness."
"It's irresponsibility and abuse."
"Can you imagine being dropped off at a random person house."
"You don't owe anyone anything."
"Call the police if it happen again and they will handle it and perhaps they will treat them better."
"At the very least as you said if something happen it wouldn't be on you."- nathanmcfadden
"NTA."
"Technically, she is trespassing."
"If she's not capable of understanding that and operating independently, leaving her alone anywhere is neglect/elder abuse, and opens you up to liability if anything does happen."
"I'd document everything and report them."- -MicrowavePopcorn-
"NTA."
'I'd be calling social services."- Character-Twist-1409
"NTA!"
"They would benefit from professional assistance / services for Alzheimer's patients."- No-Buddy873
"I feel bad for everyone involved here."
"NTA, but I still feel bad for the mom."
"I maybe 1% feel bad for the neighbor."
"99% feel bad for OP."
"Not a good situation to be put in."- Kaa_The_Snake
"NTA."
"Frankly I'd VERY CAREFULLY walk the elderly lady home."
"If that's not possible report lost elderly lady to local PD."
"Let them take her in for a welfare check."- West-Resource-1604
"Please tell me that they don't have toddlers that they also dump unsupervised in random places?"
"If this woman is suffering from any sort of cognitive impairment, that's effectively what they are doing."
"Call adult protective services before their neglect results in harm coming to her."
"Maybe they just need educating."
"Maybe they just need more resources."
"Maybe they're hurting her intentionally or with neglect when nobody is watching."
"Something is very wrong if their eldercare plan is hoping that you are home, hoping that you notice she is there before something bad happens, and hoping that you are able to stop doing whatever and can tend to her needs even though you may not be anywhere nearby."
"Protect her."
"Say something."
"NTA."- Relatents
"NTA."
"If something happens to her while on your watch, you could be liable."
"Tell the neighbor it is not okay."
"Tell her you will call Adult Protective Services if she leaves the elderly unattended."-DanaMarie75038
"You are NTA."
"First of all, if they thought she would cause no trouble, why not leave her on her porch."
"There are a few things you could say."
'One, you could say, 'When I work, I am expected to be available to management and co-workers, and I fear that I wouldn't notice if something happened to her'."
"You could also say, 'Why don't you get her one of those alarms where she could push a button from home if she fell or had some need to summon help'."
"If nothing else, tell them that your insurance company advised that if anything happened to her on your property, you could be held liable, and you cannot afford that."
"As a last resort, you may just have to tell them that you cannot have her there."- Mobile-Translator850
"NTA."
"If she gets hurt on your property, you're liable."
"It doesn't matter if it's your fault."
'File a report with the police, this is neglect and you want it documented for the future."
"Also put a written letter in your neighbours mailbox that none of them are to come on your property, they are trespassing, and if they come on your property or leave her there again you will be calling the police."
"Keep a copy of it and note on it the date and time you dropped it in their mailbox."- MissionYam3
"NTA."
"Your neighbor is abandoning their parent and made you into adult babysitter."
"Not to mention trespassing with no supervision."
"Don't bother warning the idiot neighbor."
"Call the police."
"This is beyond belief."- macross1984
"'But somehow she insisted that I don't have to watch her at all since she's just sitting there doing nothing'."
"Then she can leave her at their own house."
"NTA."- slendermanismydad
There are so many unanswered questions in this scenario.
Why couldn't the OP's neighbor leave their mother inside, at home?
Why didn't the OP's neighbor ask them if it was alright?
Why couldn't the OP bring their mother on these errands?
One imagines the OP's neighbor never thought of any of these questions themselves.
Otherwise, they wouldn't have done something this irrational.
Just as one imagines the OP's neighbor didn't think of the possibly severe, consequences they may face for their actions.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp