Grief is a hard thing to live with.
Grief immersed with rage is near impossible.
And when we know there are people who made our loved one’s passing that much worse, sometimes those feelings can lead to behavior that is uncontrollable.
But is it avoidable?
And should it be?
Case in point…
Redditor Throwawayexsil79 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
“AITA for exposing my brother’s ex wife at his funeral?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My F[emale] 31, brother M[ale] 34 got diagnosed with cancer 8 months ago.”
“His ex wife divorced him in the middle of his treatment and he had to move in with my parents so they could take care of him.”
“He has 3 kids with his ex wife and she had full custody using the excuse that he couldn’t look after them due to his cancer.”
“To be honest I never got along with her.”
“She kept limiting visitations with the kids which caused my brother’s mental health to decline.”
“Her excuse was that he ‘must’ve had no time to see them anyway.'”
“His health declined greatly for the past month.”
“And he stopped treatment and stayed on pain medication.”
“Right before he died he kept asking to see the kids.”
“I called his ex wife many times but no reply.”
“I sent her texts telling her what was happening but all I saw was ‘read’ but no reply.”
“I reached out to her family but got nowhere.”
“I drove to her house but she didn’t open the door for me.”
“SHE WAS IN THERE but didn’t open the door for me.”
“It was a horrible day.”
“My brother was restless and devastated.”
“I can still remember his last words clearly.”
“He was saying… ‘I gotta go get the kids, I gotta go get the kids.'”
“I felt so much anger and felt so helpless I tried reaching out to his ex wife til the very last hour but to no avail.”
“After his passing, she posted a FB post about him.”
“Took a video of herself crying over his death.”
“And started publicly inviting family and friends to his funeral.”
“My family barely had time to grieve let alone look at what she was doing.”
“At the funeral, I saw her and family and friends coming.”
“I don’t know what happened to me I just lost it and confronted her.”
“I exposed what she did before my brother died and how she deprived him of seeing his kids and saying goodbye.”
“Her friends and family were in disbelief but I laid out in details everything that happened and they were appalled, some even started shaming her right there and then.”
“She broke down crying saying I humiliated her and turned her own friends and family against her in the midst of her grief.”
“I had her leave and silence took over.”
“My family later said that while I was right to be angry I had no right to make a scene.”
“And should’ve dealt with it later instead of disrupting everyone’s grief including hers and the kids.”
“I’m not sure whether I screwed up or not but the fact is that I felt so much rage after seeing my brother basically begging to see his kids one last time and not having his wish.”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA , I will be in the minority and probably get downvoted.”
“This post made me angry.”
“No you don’t torture someone that’s dying by denying them a visit from their kids.”
“If the kids are older and they make that decision that’s their choice, but little kids?!”
“And then come around and fake how much you care about them, and she’d crocodile tears?”
“I didn’t even think that someone could be that awful!” ~ ProfessionalSir9978
“100% NTA – agree please keep a record of all your communications with her.”
“She deserved to have her disgusting behaviour exposed to her family and friends, the kids may thank you one day.”
“Best of luck OP.” ~ CalmerKinderKarma
“NTA – The sad truth is that what you did was the best time for impact about what she did.”
“Did it take away from the collective grief – yes – and that is truly sad for both your family and the memory of your brother.”
“But it was Justice and your brother deserves that.”
“His wife abandoned him in his moment of need and stole her children’s last moments with their father.”
“She disregarded basic human decency and was served in kind when she tried to pretend that she didn’t do all of that.”
“Move on from this.
“Take your time and grieve- and leave the trash in the gutter where it belongs.” ~ LadyGrey_oftheAbyss
OP responded a bit…
“Indeed, Lord knows I tried to reach out but she was just unavailable or rather chose to be unavailable.”
“I know that we both don’t have the best relationship.”
“And she doesn’t like to speak to me personally.”
“But I already told her what was going on so she has no excuse to say she didn’t know or wasn’t aware.”
“OP a thought occurred to me, if she came out of the woodworks like a cockroach for your brother’s funeral, do you think she may have some fake fundraisers going for his cancer treatment?”
“For her own personal use.”
“It’s just that this woman was so horrible about not letting the kids see him.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if she sunk even lower.” ~ ProfessionalSir9978
“She knew and she was aware, she just didn’t care.”
“You obviously knew this about her before your brother passed, your brother discovered it when she left him during his cancer treatments, and everyone has now found out by her disgusting behavior.”
“I’ve gone through similar things and seen many a person want nothing to do with a dying person except when it’s to get sympathy off others.”
“I watch complete strangers to me post my family photos on the anniversary of my aunts death on Facebook.”
“Those people weren’t around when she was ill and needed help. It’s disgusting.”
“But to take it to a whole other level and keep his own kids away from him.”
“I hope they grow up to resent her.”
“Do what you can to stay in their lives and keep their father’s memory alive.”
“They will want to be close to him one day and will likely come to you.”
“I am so sorry for your loss and how horrific she has made it (even more horrible than it already is).”
“Your anger was half what I would have done.”
“Reading this made me want to deck her then and there, I can’t imagine what you feel knowing everything on a personal level.”
“All I can say is good job on keeping your cool. NTA.” ~ ConsistentVersion337
“She made a show out of his dead in which she play the grieving widow that is in so much pain, even though they were broken up before.”
“Being called out that she gave a f**k about his death and his last wish clearly ruined this image for her.”
“Too bad. NTA I’m sorry for your loss.” ~ EvilFinch
“If I were Miss Manners, I’m certain I would berate you severely for failing to observe proper solemnity at a funeral.”
“But I’m not Miss Manners.”
“She deserved it, and quite frankly, I think your brother’s funeral was the perfect venue for exposing her.”
“She divorced him as he was in the middle of treatment.”
“She kept his kids from him.”
“Then has the nerve to play grieving widow and milk this for all the sympathy she can get. NTA.” ~ RighteousVengeance
“Advise your parents to get a lawyer.”
“Grandparent rights are a thing in most states and can be enforced through a court.”
“Keep record of phone calls, texts and notes about what happened before this and after as evidence of alienation from your family. NTA.” ~ Silver-Geologist
“NTA – this woman abandoned her husband when he got sick.”
“And then actively kept his children from him, which probably made his health decline worse.”
“What happened to ‘in sickness and in health?'”
“Not to mention how horrible it is these kids didn’t get to say goodbye to their father.”
“I think it’s completely understandable you reacted the way you did.”
“It may not have been the nicest thing to do, but in no way are you the AH here.”
“My condolences for your brother.” ~ DensityOfThought
“If I had been your brother and she pulled that crappy stunt right before I died and had no more chances to see them, and on top of that played the grieving widow… I’d think she got what she deserved.”
“Sorry for your loss!” ~ Hadiax
What a situation.
So sorry for you and your family OP.
And for those kids.
Who knows what kind of deal to see them can be made.
For now… just try not to get lost in your grief.