Many people dream of spending their wedding day surrounded by friends and family.
They look forward to celebrating and sharing the special moment alongside loved ones.
Sometimes, however, regardless of relation, the happy couple agrees it's best for an individual to sit the party out... even if everyone in the family doesn't agree.
A person on Reddit is facing backlash from some family members for excluding their brother from their upcoming wedding after he insulted the engagement ring with one of his infamous "fun facts," so they turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Correct_Royal_4033 asked:
"AITA for excluding my brother from my wedding because of his 'fun facts?'"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have an older brother David (41)."
"David has boundary issues and was in the learning disabled classes."
"My parents never let him out of the home."
"He has a very rough personality, and because he was never allowed to work or do anything, so in his 40s, he doesn't have friends."
"He still dominates the conversation at every holiday with 'fun facts' and goes off on those and doesn't realize no one is listening."
"My other siblings and I just really don't like David because my parents let him do whatever and just dominate whatever social settings we are in."
"My older sister eloped because of David being my mom kept trying to find David a 'place' at her wedding."
"I'm getting married to Mel, and my youngest brother Nick is my best man."
"My sister who is close to Mel is in the bridal party."
"Her husband is one of my best men and their son is a ring bearer."
"My wife wants a real wedding and not be forced to elope like my sister did."
"David has no place."
"He's not going to be invited because the first thing he did was insult the ring I got my Mel was his 'fun facts' about how diamonds are worthless and do not resell well."
"I should have got her a second hand engagement ring or a colored stone engagement ring."
"We then got a history on engagement rings and marriage tradition."
"We tried shutting him up but he wouldn't and my mom said let 'the professor talk.'"
"Even at 40 she thinks my brother 'fun facts' are cute."
"This put a hard no on Mel's stance that my brother can't come to the wedding."
"If my parents defend him, even once, they are not coming."
"She not having not wedding like my sister and it's time for David to be put in his place."
"Mom called and asked about wedding planning and I told her she wasn't involved after what happened to my sister wedding dress shopping (Mom brought David who told everyone his fun facts about wedding dress history) that's when my sister decided to elope."
"I told Mom if she and Dad wanted to come to the wedding as guests, they can, but David isn't invited."
"Mom didn't talk for awhile."
"I think she started crying because my dad took over the phone call."
I told him what upset mom and said David isn't invited and mom can't be trusted to be involved in wedding planning without David tagging along."
"Dad said he doesn't understand why we all hate David, and I told him what is wrong with his 'fun facts' My dad said, 'the boy likes to talk, and there's no harm in it.'"
"I told my dad that's the thing: there is harm in David's 'fun facts', and now no one wants to be around him."
"Dad started arguing, saying stuff in defense of David, and I told Dad we are at a stalemate, and I guess all 3 of you won't be coming to the wedding."
"I'm sorry, but that is how it is."
"I ended the conversation with my dad, and my mom has been upset, texting like a crazy person to everybody about how we all need to understand David."
"What I'm doing is mean."
"Mel feels like this whole thing is why I can't invite David or my parents."
"I agree that they can't even be trusted to come to my wedding without sneaking David in."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA"
"Let's be clear, it isn't David's fun facts or that he likes to talk that is the core problem, it is that every gathering becomes about him and only him."
"That there isn't room for anyone else to say, do or feel anything themselves and any joy you and your siblings might have in being together is killed dead by his behaviour."
"You will not let him suck all the joy out of your wedding."
"It isn't David's fault."
"It is his parent's fault."
"Tell them that." - WantToBelieveInMagic
"NTA, but your parents are delusional and straight-up harming David by coddling and indulging him."
"You stated in comments that he's never even been diagnosed with anything, and your parents refuse to have him evaluated."
"They have hamstrung him."
"Someone needs to sit down with them and ask them what their plans are for David when they die."
"How will he take care of himself when they've never taught him how to behave socially or how to hold a job."
"For all they know, if he had been evaluated and given early intervention, he might have had a regular life with a spouse and kids."
"But they robbed him of that chance with the way they've treated him."
"They may very well expect that you and your siblings will 'step up' and become his caretakers."
"Or they may be planning to leave everything to David in their wills, which will backfire considering he's never been taught to be self-sufficient."
"They have set him up for failure, and they need to fix this mistake as quickly as possible."
"Your dad is probably the most reasonable one to have this conversation with and then he can help bring your mom around."
"As annoying as he may be, remember your parents made him this way and the situation is borderline if not out right abusive."
"He's in a very pitiable situation and is going to have a very harsh life once they pass." - Silaquix
"NTA in any way shape or form."
"Your parents have failed David, and this is the natural consequence of enabling this behavior for decades."
"Also it's really f**king weird that he's 40 and they still talk about him as if he's a small child."
"Do not mention anything about the wedding to the three of them, and make sure your siblings are also aware and don't do it either."
"Hire security and make sure they know what your parents and David look like." - applebum8807
"NTA. Your brother is used to being the center of attention."
"Always."
"He's never not been the center."
"It's not even fair to call it main character syndrome since he doesn't know any different."
"Your parents created this problem."
"There is nothing wrong with your future wife wanting to be the center of attention at her own wedding."
"The only way she will get this is if your brother doesn't come."
"Be happy that you still ended up with so many awesome people who do want to support you and your new family."
"Your other siblings sound really great." - Atherial
"NTA. Sorry your parents did not see many years ago that your brother had behavioral issues that needed to be dealt with."
"For them to allow his sometimes obnoxious and cruel 'fun' facts to dominate your family in the way they have is very sad."
"Their failing to recognize the effect of this behavior on the rest of the family is tragic."
"Trying to manage the unwanted behavior at this point would be almost impossible and even confusing to your brother as it seems they have humored him all his life and never tried to teach him boundaries."
"In their move to protect their special needs child, they have enabled this over-the-top behavior and disregarded the other children in the family."
"Their intentions weren't bad, just misguided and wrong and they refuse to see the error of their ways."
"So, guess they leave you with no choice but to not include them at your wedding."
"So sorry." - Realistic_Head4279
"NTA at all."
"Your parents are delusional."
"He is not their quirky cute little boy anymore."
"He's a grown man who doesn't have any social skills because they didn't do their job in parenting him."
"The fact that he has some sort of mental disability doesn't mean that he should be allowed to do whatever he wants."
"Your parents created a codependent narcissist who can't handle being told "'no.'"
"Now they have to live with the consequences."
"And be prepared for the pressure they'll put on you once they're old and incapable of caring for him."
"Then you'll be selfish and cruel for not taking your own brother to your home to take care of him, and how can you do that to him?"
"He's your family!"
"This is not how we raised you!"
"Seriously, you need to plan for this because it WILL happen." - Gennevieve1
Hopefully, comments from fellow Redditors gave OP some peace of mind.
The OP still has a tough road and probably several lengthy conversations, but at least their feelings are validated.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp