Helping family isn't always a smooth process.
If one can help a loved one in need, that's great.
But if that loved one seems to be taking advantage, it all doesn't go over well.
Some people just can't appreciate nice gestures.
Redditor mia_donnelly wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my brother live in my apartment for free just because we're family?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (27 F[emale]) bought a small apartment two years ago with my own money and a mortgage I'm still paying off."
"I live alone and worked really hard to be independent."
"My younger brother (22 M[ale]) just finished school and asked if he could crash at my place for a few months."
"I said okay, but if he helped with utilities and groceries (like 200$/month tops) and respected a few basic rules (clean up after yourself, no loud guests every night, etc)."
"He completely lost it. "
"Said I was greedy, cold, and 'treating family like strangers.'"
"He told our relatives I was trying to 'profit off my own brother,' and now I'm getting texts from our aunts and cousins telling me I'm heartless.
"I'm honestly just trying to protect my space and peace."
"I don't think asking for basic respect and a bit of help with costs makes me an a**hole."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Spoiler alert-- he was planning on staying a LOT longer than a couple of months."
"Tell all of the relatives sending you nastygrams that you'll let your brother know that they are willing to house him for free." ~ celticmusebooks
"Sounds like she has already seen the drama that his moving in would bring."
"Trash took itself out before he even moved in! NTA... tell him there is NO vacancy." ~ IllReplacement336
"Oh, and be sure to tell little brother that the original offer is completely off the table - before he realizes that his Plan B (having family exert immense pressure) isn't looking promising."
"Then he will come back and try to take the earlier deal."
"Slam that door before it hits you!" ~ pkincpmd
"NTA. Your brother is an adult, and if $200 and basic manners are too much for him, good luck finding somewhere better.
"Why don't the relatives offer him their place?" ~ kjlo78
"NTA. Be honest with your family."
"Tell them you really didn't want a roommate of any kind, but you were willing to tolerate one for a short period as a favor to your brother."
'But now he is being so unpleasant that you realize that sharing a living space with him, even for a short period of time would be a disaster."
'Then suggest that one of them take him in." ~ Coollogin
"NTA. How are you profiting?"
"It sounds like he expects you to subsidize his existence."
"Why should you be responsible for housing a grown man?"
"Do not let him move in at all, even if he agrees to pay."
"He definitely will not pay, and will absolutely disrespect you and your home, as he has shown." ~ FairyCompetent
"NTA. Tell your brother his tattling on you just cost him a place to crash."
"Tell your family they are welcome to house him, clean up for him, and feed him for free." ~ Reasonable-Bad-769
"Your brother is confused; he thinks you're his mother and are therefore responsible for feeding, sheltering, and clothing him."
"He's about to learn that the world owes him nothing."
"In some ways, it's a more valuable lesson than what he learned in college. NTA." ~ hospicedoc
"I'd wager that (A) he was planning to spend more than a few months..."
"(B) He had no intention of helping with the costs of living, and..."
"(C) he was going to treat your place like a hotel."
"Your conditions were absolutely reasonable."
"You did nothing wrong; tell the critics that you'll be giving your brother their names as potential hosts, so that they can practice what they're preaching. NTA." ~ wesmorgan1
"NTA. Pull up a text document on your phone, type out the rules you wanted him to follow, then send a text to everyone who is calling you heartless, and tell them these are the rules you wanted him to follow, and you wanted him to help with utilities and groceries, since those costs will be increasing if he lives there too."
"Anyone who is still on his side after, tell them you're so glad they feel that way, and you'll let your brother know the good news that they are willing to let him stay there and sponge off them."
"Then actually send him a text saying so and so said you can stay with them, without any rules, or pitching in for food." ~ _Allyka_
"NTA. The utilities would go up with another person living there, it's only fair he contributes, and you're not asking for a lot."
"It would be more expensive for him to go live with roommates."
"He's being entitled and ungrateful."
"Protect your peace."
"You're better off not sharing your space with him."
"And congratulations on buying your own property!" ~ Chuchitosmomma
"NTA."
"1- It's a very common and very sad thing to hide under the 'family should help each other' banner to take advantage of each other financially."
"The absurdity of thinking he could just stay for free is intense."
"He's not a kid, and you're not his mum."
"2- The fact that your brother thinks you can profit from having a tenant at a monthly $200 shows he's never paid serious rent."
"3- Aunts and relatives with strong opinions criticizing you should feel welcome to host your brother in your stead." ~ silentjudge_
"NTA. Wow. Ask him and your family members why it's ok for you to have to pay more because he's there, and why you should be paying for a grown man's groceries?"
"If he were staying a weekend, fine, but no."
"He wants to fully move in. Nope." ~ Evening-Cry-8233
"NTA: Tell him to find somewhere else to live."
"Do not let him move in; he has entitlement syndrome."
"You will regret and be miserable if you allow him to move in."
"He is an adult; he needs to figure it out himself."
"Feel no guilt." ~ Initial_Potato5023
"NTA. Goodness, and he is a whiner."
"I feel for people who do this, aunts/cousins, are you somehow motivated by uninvolved people insulting you?"
"Because I find most people don't change their views like that."
"So wtf are you even doing?"
"Yeah, I'm heartless, and you brokies have been warned." ~ pottersquash
"NTA - It's only free for him, because all of your expenses will go up."
"I would send a group text so that everyone receives the same message at the same time: 'I am asking for respect of my space and assistance with the additional amount I will have to pay for utilities and groceries.'"
"'I'm not asking for a 50/50 split.'"
"'Since I am so heartless, which one of YOU has volunteered to step up and house, and feed, and clothe a grown man?'"
"I would include the brother in the text too, but I'm petty like that." ~ DifficultyNo3093
"NTA. Funny how the word 'family' is used as an excuse to cross boundaries and/ or mooch off someone."
"Don't let him move in, you will never get him out, nor get the basics you requested."
"And if your relatives don't like it, they are welcome to let him crash at their places for a few months." ~ FuturePurple7802
"NTA - give him the names of everyone who is backing him; he can mooch off of them."
"He's looking for a free ride."
"Tell him you're too young and not rich enough to be a sugar momma, I just gave myself ick, but you get it right?"
"You don't need your very own leech." ~ remyknows8182
"He certainly showed you how much respect you'd get for yourself and your home, didn't he?"
"You'd be taking in a tattling toddler who runs crying to family at every turn."
"Ignore all of them."
"He proved your decision was correct." ~ istoomycat
"NTA, and don't let him live with you, no matter what, at this point."
"If you do let him move in, he's going to ignore whatever rules he previously agreed on since he's already whining about your simple request." ~ Bottom_of_the_bottle
"NTA, your younger brother is asking for a free ride."
"If you had let him in the door, I would expect that you'd never get rid of him without major headaches and huge effort."
"Hard to give free rent, meals, and no utilities bills, after all." ~ Barbarossa49
"One, two, three nights, he would be a guest, and you would probably cater to him. Months?!"
"He cleans up after himself and contributes to utilities. NTA." ~ scooby946
"NTA. Your costs will go up while he is living with you."
"He should anticipate sharing those costs and also contributing to groceries."
"You are his sibling, not a parent."
"If he wants that type of hospitality, tell him to find a rich friend."
"You haven't been unreasonable in the least."
"Besides, he needs an incentive to get out of the house and find a job."
"You've probably seen scads of posts about freeloading kids who spend their days vaping and sitting on the couch playing video games."
"You don't want to risk that."
"Thank the relatives for their concern and say you will pass on their invitation for a free place to your brother." ~ kandoux
"NTA, so he was going to get to live there for $200/month for utilities and groceries, and HE thought YOU were taking advantage?"
"LOL, good luck to him finding somewhere else."
"Maybe one of your relatives will take him in for free!" ~ Jerseygirl2468
Reddit has your back, OP.
You're not asking for much.
That amount and the rules are reasonable.
Stand your ground.
Don't allow your brother to bully you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp