Relationships of all kinds—family, platonic, romantic—shouldn't be strictly transactional where everything has to be tit for tat. But they do need to be somewhat reciprocal to be healthy.
Otherwise, one party is simply using the other.
A brother turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback on a hypothetical Would I Be The A**Hole (WIBTAH) scenario after getting fed up with his brother and his family.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Ambitious-Crow44 asked:
"WIBTAH for going no contact with my brother after he took advantage of my wife’s kindness for my surprise birthday dinner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (42, male) and my wife T (37, female) have had a few very busy years. A few weeks before I turned 40, one of our kids was born at home unexpectedly, and T got really sick afterward, so my 40th basically didn’t happen. I was totally fine with it."
"Fast forward to this year (yesterday), T wanted to make up for not having a 40th and planned a surprise birthday dinner at a really nice (and expensive) restaurant I love. She invited my entire family—parents, siblings, and all the nephews and nieces."
"A few days before the dinner, my mom texted T and basically told her she should 'clarify' that she (T) is paying for everyone. Turns out my older brother H (48, male) was on the fence about coming because his money is tight. He originally thought it would just be him and his wife."
"The second T sent a kind text saying she’d be covering the meal for everyone, H immediately expanded his group from 2 to 6 people. He added his three adult children, one of their significant others, and his adult son’s girlfriend—without asking anyone."
"He just did it. Also, on the night of the dinner, one of them decided not to come. He also didn’t communicate this to T."
"The day before the dinner, another sibling S (51, male) asked H if he was looking forward to it. H’s response? 'Hell yeah, especially because we aren’t paying'."
"He openly admitted he only brought a bunch of extra adults because it was free. He didn’t care that he was taking advantage of my wife’s generosity and our finances. To him, it was just a free night out."
"During the dinner, I had no idea that she was paying until she got the bill. And we went home. I had an absolutely wonderful time. On the way home, T told me everything. The texts, the clarifying, the sudden shift, and then not asking if his son’s girlfriend could come."
"This isn’t the first time. For years, H has been disrespectful toward me. He barely has any relationship with our kids—he’ll RSVP to their birthdays and then not show up. His wife says she’s coming almost every time, but actually only appears when there’s an expensive free meal involved. This was just the first time he directly used and disrespected my wife."
"After hearing all this, I told my wife I’m done. I’m going no contact with H. I don’t want him in our lives anymore if this is how he behaves the moment he sees an opportunity to get something for free."
"So WIBTAH for finally drawing the line in the sand, cutting him off and going no contact outside of holidays?"
The OP later added:
"For further clarification: the extra adults are my nephews, whom he wasn’t bringing if he had to pay. They weren’t the issue. He also added a nephew's girlfriend without asking and made those comments."
"That’s what burns me, and it’s taking advantage of my wife. Further slights toward me were years prior—which included, but not limited to—not inviting my family to a summer bbq because 'someone else who isn’t family' was invited with their kids and then inviting me day of because that family backed out."
"I found out about this event from my dad, who was just as upset as me about the situation."
"That’s just the tip of the iceberg."
"Also, during the dinner, there were two tables in the same private room, but they were separated by a fireplace that took up the middle of the room, making it so you’d have to go to the other table to talk and such."
"The table I wasn’t sitting at that included H and his family—never once did any of them get up to come over to our table and yet, I went to theirs several times to talk and enjoy their company."
"The more I analyze the dinner, the more I see how I’m valued by them. The level of self-unawareness by them is astounding."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors strongly advised the OP to go low or no contact with his brother (NTA, WNBTA).
"NTA Sounds like you won’t really have to do much to actually go no contact. Just stop inviting him to stuff since you know he probably won’t come anyway. There’s no need to tell him anything about it, and if anyone asks, that’s your line, 'eh, he never comes to these things, so I thought I’d save us both some time and stop inviting him."
"When he gets wind of this, he’ll be mad because it makes him look bad.' Don’t take the bait, just shrug and change the subject." ~ Big_Tiger_123
"I am going to throw it out there that you likely won't need to do anything but stop being the one to reach out. You'll never hear from him until he wants or needs something." ~ F*ckUGalen
"Definitely not the AH. I have always been of the belief that it takes more than blood to make someone family. Your brother has demonstrated he doesn't see you as family, only a free meal ticket. Cut him loose." ~ Mr_NNP
"Have been around in-laws like this. They are absolutely users and do not care at all unless they can get something out of it. I have distanced myself as much as I can and life is 1,000,000 times better." ~ Complete-End7992
"NTA. I would tell him why, though, but you're not obligated. Sometimes we should say how we feel, may not change them, but at least they know and we can get it off our chests."
"I had a family member who took me for granted. I told them, felt better, they didn't change and weaponized their jealousy. Now I'm no contact except for family events. Never felt better." ~ Massive_Schedule_512
The OP provided a lengthy update:
"So a lot has happened since my original post. I have had numerous discussions with my wife, my oldest brother S, my Dad and my Mom. There were a lot of deep conversations about the subject. Pros and cons. And some serious soul searching."
"H (48), the subject of the last post has done some really messed up things this past year—no showing my oldest sons birthday and then calling an hour late with some lame excuse, saying he and his wife were showing up to my younger sons birthday and he shows up acting like Melancholy Mary while his wife skipped out to go a casino (remember the money issues?)."
"On a recent holiday, my pregnant wife was sitting down with my kids, and he pulled her up and gave her a hug, which is very out of character for him, and my wife was like, 'What the f*ck are you doing?' Mind you, he thinks he’s God's gift to everyone around him."
"He showed up to my oldest son’s basketball game when he was told when I wouldn’t be there, to show up the next weekend and that it was going to be my wife there. There were many years of different things."
"Every conversation is somehow geared back towards himself. Mind you, his track record is very short, and it’s like he’s always trying to compete with me. It’s sad to be honest."
"Not once in my career, changing specialties or anything I did, did he ever once check in with me, while I did when he changed jobs after 20+ years at the same place. He gets angry when called out, so you cannot have any constructive conversation with him."
"He chooses friends over blood (the previous discussed cookout incident), he has a better relationship with one of my friend's kids I grew up with than mine. There’s little to zero effort from them (I showed up to everything I was invited to before I had kids, and the only thing I didn’t was because my family had Covid)."
"Am I perfect? No. I have my faults but I look back and even when I rented an in law basement apartment from him, I’d move in for a short time (3-6 months) and each time he’d up the rent when he saw fit (once because I had a girlfriend that would spend the night, no she didn’t shower or eat their food), of which I stopped staying with him in my off months of a winter rental and swallowed my pride and stayed with my parents for 3 months and bought a house soon thereafter."
"The conversation with my mother was the most enlightening, saying he was the most self-unaware person. Mind you, she is his primary defender, but realizes how bad this is. She was sad about the state of his and my relationship, but she understood due to all the slights and issues I’ve had with him, and when they are brought up, he cannot handle talking about it if it’s about him. Everything is an attack. No such thing as constructive criticism."
"Also, everyone else has contacted my wife or me in one way or another and said thank you after the dinner. Not a single thing from that family. Not a word."
"Everyone is in agreement with my decision, which is low contact. My father has a condition, and I don’t want to miss any time with him for the kids and myself, especially during holidays."
It's unfortunate it came to this, but relationships can't be sustained if they're a one-way street. For OP's peace of mind, low contact seems like the best solution.
Maybe his brother will have a revelation when he gets a cold shoulder... or maybe he won't even notice.
Either way, it won't be OP's problem anymore.
