Content Warning: Cancer survivor, cancer hair loss, hair shaming
We all have at least one person in our lives who is hyper-focused on things that don't really matter, like appearances.
And it seems like they push these priorities especially hard in the moments when they couldn't be farther from relevant, like picking on a sick person about their lack of makeup, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Warm-Pay1685 was a cancer survivor who had to go through extensive chemotreatments and was finally at the point of being in remission.
But because she'd lost most of her hair during the chemo treatments, the Original Poster (OP) was disgusted and hurt that her appearance was all her mother could talk about.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my mother if she brings up my hair again, I will go no contact with her?"
The OP survived cancer and chemo, but there were obviously struggles along the way.
"I (42 Female) was on chemo about two years ago and most of my hair fell out."
"My hair is growing back, but it's patchy, so I tend to wear wigs when out in public. I've been keeping my hair very short until it completely fills in, which my doctor says may or may not happen."
The OP's mother made frequent cruel comments about her appearance, especially her hair.
"My mom (76 Female) started making these comments about six months after all of my hair fell out that I looked like a boy and that last she checked, she gave birth to a girl."
"At first, I ignored it, but then she started making the comment at just about every family and church function to the point other people even started to comment that she was being mean and downright rude."
"I did let it go a lot, even defending her to family that she's coping with me being on chemo and all that entails, and this is just how she's doing it."
But the OP reached a point where she couldn't defend her mother anymore.
"A couple of nights ago, my mom came over to visit. I didn't have the wig on because I don't wear it when I'm home."
"My son (8 Male) made a comment to my mom about the green wig my husband (44 Male) bought me and how he thought it was so cool I could just change my hair color overnight."
"My mom looked right at me and said, 'You look like a boy. I remember giving birth to a girl.'"
"My son just stared at my mom. I don't know if she's ever made the comment in front of him before."
"I was frustrated and fed up with other things that happened that day and just snapped. I told my mom she needed to leave."
"My mom got really upset and started insisted that it was just harmless teasing."
"My son said something about his mom not being a boy and Nana being rude, but I don't remember all of it. I just asked her to leave again."
"She did pick up her things, but she kept defending herself, calling me childish and saying that the chemo has made me too sensitive about my hair."
"I snapped at her that if she brought up my hair one more time, I would go completely no contact with her and she would not be allowed to see my son."
In retaliation, the OP's mother tried to drive a wedge between the OP and her husband.
"My son told my husband about it when he got home, but my husband already knew about it."
"My mom had sent him a bunch of texts claiming I was rude to her, my son was rude to her, I was being petty and childish, I don't love her, and it was all just harmless teasing."
"My husband told her she owed me an apology, and she's not allowed over again until she gives me one."
Unfortunately, the OP's brother sided with their mother.
"I guess where I'm doubting myself a little is that she called my brother about it, and he's defending her, saying she didn't handle me being on chemo well, and she thought I was going to die."
"She did help a lot with my son when I was too tired to function, much less care for a young child, and my husband had to work because of the bills."
"It's not been an easy few years, that's for sure, but her comments aren't making it any easier."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disgusted the mother was prioritizing appearances over her daughter being alive.
"If my child almost died but survived, I wouldn't CARE what her hair looked like or that I needed to help care for her child or that she now looked like a boy when I gave birth to a girl."
"I would be f**king elated and assuring her that nothing as superficial as losing your hair due to f**king chemo matters more than her now being on the road to recovery."
"Maybe I'll cope in other ways in private, but it wouldn't be to my survivor of a child."
"What I could see happening is me being extra fretful about my child's health, which also isn't healthy coping but it's (in my opinion) at least understandable."
"OP's mom is just a nasty mean girl bully." - moarewineprs
"The fact that OP's mom says it to others... frequently. How horrid."
"Like, it isn't enough that you have cancer, that you went through chemo, that you lost your hair, but then you also have this b***h taking you down further and insulting you over something you have literally no control over."
"I'm cheering you on, OP, and your husband and son for calling her out on her absolutely s**t treatment of you. Coping mechanism or not, insulting someone when they are going through hell is lower than low." - sjyffl
"NTA. So instead of being grateful that her child is alive, she decided to... bully you about your hair? Really?"
"Interesting play there. I mean, does she have a history of bullying you? Making you feel less than?"
"I know I wouldn't want to put up with that, and I certainly wouldn't want to subject my child to someone like that. No contact could be a pretty good solution. Just saying." - New-Host1784
"Jes*s. Has your mom always been a bully?"
"You know what my mom did when I had cancer? She took off work, flew across the country, and helped and supported me during my recovery. She never once made fun of me."
"She slept in hospital chairs, held me when I cried, let me rant when I needed to, cooked, cleaned, and entertained herself when I slept a bazillion hours a day, even though she was terrified she was going to lose me."
"I can't imagine her making fun of me. Not at all. Your mom needs to apologize and learn how to act like a good human being. NTA." - Anxious-Ocelot-712
"She decided to bully a cancer patient because she's not handling that person having cancer well? Please tell me you hear how f**king stupid that sounds."
"NTA at all. Honestly, only a little towards yourself for how long you put up with it. You deserve better, and I'm sorry she's like this." - fromofandfor
Others agreed and urged the OP to distance herself from her mother and brother.
"NTA. Tell your brother he's an a**. Your mother has been continually rude and just nasty to you."
"Her so-called way of coping is to bully you. That's just toxic, and you deserve better." - No-Consequence3895
"Can we also talk about how the literal CHILD, the eight-year-old, is coping better than the full-grown adult? He thinks his mom's hair is cool. He's going places." - bumhilda
"'You know what? You can deal with her. I'm done with both of you.'"
"Let him be the focus of all her s**t and complaining about OP. It's easy to tell someone how they should react when it's not you." - Consistent-Primary41
"It's kind of funny that brother is excusing mom because 'tHaT's hoW ShE's CoPinG (with someone else having cancer)'... Like... really?"
"I get that it sucks to watch someone you care about go through that, but it seems the one who actually dealt with it is over it more than she is. OP's mom needs to get over herself." - Bice_thePrecious
"This is literally what happened when I cut my father off. He was abusive and cruel to me for pretty much my entire existence. I cut him off completely nearly five years ago now. (I think, honestly, it's between four and five years, but I literally just don't care enough about him to keep track honestly.)"
"My brothers got upset that I cut him off. I made it clear to them and my mother (who had a history of people pleasing and feeling sorry for people, so guilted me into talking to him on other occasions where I'd cut contact), that if anyone tries to force me to interact with him, talk to him, or have contact with him, I'll cut THEM OFF TOO! Because I'd really had enough of the abuse."
"Now, without me as the abuse lightning rod, my brothers barely talk to him because he makes them miserable. They've learned a lesson."
"It's time OP's brother learned the same lesson." - LadyBladeWarAngel
After receiving feedback, the OP clarified a few points and also shared an update.
"Yikes! I did not expect this to blow up. I will clarify a few things that people have asked."
"The first is that, as far as we know, my mom does not have any sort of cognitive decline like dementia. My brother did actually insist she see a doctor about a year ago and be given a memory and cognition test, and the doctor told my brother everything was fine. So, unless something major happened in the past few months (not out of the realm of possibility, although unlikely), this is just how she is."
"The second is that she has always hyper-focused on things about me that I found hurtful. I didn't get married young enough, I was too old when I had my son, I don't have enough children, I should have focused on my career instead of school, and so much more. I actually did go several months without talking to her in my 20s and only reached back out after my dad got sick (he has since passed)."
"The last is that I have been seeing the comments about my husband and son, and I agree. They are two of the most wonderful people in the entire world. My husband has put his foot down that Mom is not allowed back to the house until she has formally apologized to my son and myself, willingly becoming 'the bad guy.' My son was pretty upset about her comment and says he doesn't remember her saying it before."
"He was more offended that she called me a boy than anything about my hair. I've heard him brag to his friends about how I can change my hair in five minutes, and he thinks it's cool. That was one of the ways my husband and I tried to cushion my cancer to him. We had to tell him I was sick, but we tried to make it a little better with, 'Mom can change her hair anytime she wants to, now.' We never let him know how bad it was or that there was any chance I might not survive."
"Thank you all so much for the support. I've been really beating myself up about this because it feels so silly. It's just dumb, really. I don't want my son to be exposed to Mom's behavior, though, because while I don't deserve it, he definitely doesn't deserve it."
While the subReddit could empathize that the mother surely did struggle with worrying about her daughter while she went through chemo, behaving in this way was hardly the way to show it.
Now that the OP was in remission, the mother should have celebrated her strength and still being here, not her hair, which would grow back over time.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp