Newborn babies are so fragile.
Their bodies are delicate, and it can be nerve-wracking to hold them.
But as long as every person who holds a newborn is careful.
Not everybody feels this way.
Redditor dragonflies–3 wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for letting my sister hold my baby against our mother’s wishes?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (29 M[ale]) have a newborn baby.”
“My 9-year-old sister – whom we’ll call Kylie for privacy purposes, has been so excited to be an aunt for the first time.”
“Kylie has a physical disability, she struggles with fine motor tasks – and has a slight tremor in her hands when holding objects.”
“Because of this, our mother stated that she did not want Kylie to hold the baby – ever.”
“She kept saying how K’s ‘hands can’t be trusted’ and that it would be best if she just looked at the baby.”
“But K was so excited to meet her new niece that I decided it was worth trying.”
“With some assistance from me, she was able to hold her without issue.”
“When our mother saw it happening, she was not happy.”
“She said that it was irresponsible of me and repeated that Kylie’s ‘hands can’t be trusted’ around the baby.”
“She started talking about how when she says ‘no’ as a parent, I need to respect that.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for letting my sister hold my baby, against our mother’s wishes?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
“NTA. It’s YOUR baby.”
“You can decide who holds your baby.”
“It’s not your mother’s baby.”
“If you trust your sister to be physically able to do this or to have Kylie sit down and maybe have a sling on or something, that’s your call.” ~ archetyping101
“I can only imagine Kylie’s horrible feelings when she hears ‘Kylie’s hands can’t be trusted.'”
“No. Just no.”
“No mother should ever say that.”
“There are non-judgmental ways to pragmatically address basic facts.”
“’It’s not safe for Kylie to hold the baby independently,’ absolutely reasonable.”
“But, hand over hand?”
“How is that a problem???”
“Glad that the girl has someone on her side, since her own mother sure AF isn’t.”
“NTA, but your mother certainly is.”
“OP, I hope your sister can visit you a lot.”
“I hope there are creative ways she can help with the baby. “
“She can read to the kid.”
“I bet there are ways she can help soothe the baby, too.” ~ DogsOnMyCouches
“NTA. I let my then 4-year-old hold her newborn sister.”
“Your baby, your decision.”
“Your mother is going to make your sister have unnecessary self-doubt if she doesn’t knock that crap off.” ~ hiskitty110617
“NTA. Your mother seems excessively focused on what Kylie can’t do rather than what she can or what assistance she might need in order to do it.”
“What Kylie will learn from this is that she can’t do a lot of things.”
“It could imprint on her core beliefs and end up limiting her from achieving her potential for her whole life.”
“Your mother needs to be challenged on this.”
“If she refuses to listen, then continue to support your sister’s independence by finding ways to help her do things she’s been told she is physically unable to.” ~ Pleasant-Koala147
“Exactly! I, like most disabled adults, hate the terms ‘handicapable’ and ‘differently abled,’ but ‘can’t be trusted’ is just as bad.”
“Instead, be open, pragmatic, and positive.”
“Find workarounds.”
“Assume competence, and offer help as needed.”
“Accept when something is impossible and do something else instead.”
“When something isn’t perfect, but is good enough, do that!”
“Keep trying.” ~ DogsOnMyCouches
“NTA. Your mom’s anxiety doesn’t get to dictate your decisions.”
“Your baby was never in any danger as you supervised closely.” ~ Ashamed_Double2117
“My first thought was poor Kylie.”
“A friend of mine has a similar condition, and he can’t really write with a pen, but hey, here is a computer!”
“Every issue has a workaround nowadays, so I hope Kylie knows she can do anything.” ~ MairaPansy
“I can’t believe this is the first time in your life your mother has been controlling and dismissive.”
“I expect that your nurturing perspective is a result of living this way.”
“NTA – you’re a great brother and dad.” ~ AdRecent4975
“NTA. You are an awesome big brother.”
“It’s very easy to sit with her and help her to hold the baby.”
“Your mother is being a bit much.”
“It’s not like you just dumped the baby in her arms and said, ‘Here you go.'”
“I am sure you made her day, and she will never forget that.” ~ AwareImplement1265
“Your baby. Your choice.”
“I let my 3-year-old hold her newborn brother.”
“With supervision and not walking around just sitting on the soft sofa.”
“Your mother is weird and controlling.”
“She doesn’t get to make rules about your baby.” ~ hopingtothrive
“NTA – since your mom is concerned about harm being done to the newborn – your child – but she doesn’t get to dictate how you keep your child safe.”
“Now, your mom does get the final say when it comes to Kylie’s safety, so keep that in mind when you’re talking to her.”
“I would also suggest having Kylie sit down when holding the baby, with a cushion under her arm (I would suggest that for any 9-year-old, really, and that may placate your mom as well).” ~ Witty-Draw-3803
“NTA. My child will be 9 in a few months and has a disability (non-progressive brain damage, which doesn’t impair his motor skills) and I would absolutely let him hold an infant if he was sitting, and had a cushion under his arm.”
“Your mother is going to harm your sister by telling her that her body is untrustworthy.”
“All she needs is accommodation/modification.”
“It’s irresponsible of her to talk about her daughter that way and to be so ableist.
“It’s your child, you were comfortable with how she held *your* baby.” ~ MissKQueenofCurves
“Your mother is the AH here… she’s diminishing your sister’s capabilities and nullifying what she can do.”
“She sounds like the evil stepmother from Cinderella, and your sister is Cinderella (I can almost hear the comment: she’s nothing… not worth it).”
“Is it ideal for a baby to fall?”
“Not at all… but the risk of your sister dropping the baby should be just a little higher than anyone else.”
“And I’m sure you took all the measures to make it as safe as possible for the baby and your sister.”
“Like sitting your sister down before letting her hold the baby and kneeling in front of them both to make sure the baby was supported.” ~ Tehshima
“NTA. This is your baby, your choice.”
“You’re the parent here.”
“It sounds like your mother doesn’t have the highest view of your sister. Is this the only time she’s been disparaging Kylie because of her condition?”
“If you’re happy with it, and Kylie wants to, why shouldn’t she give your baby some auntie cuddles?” ~ lemon_charlie
“NTA. What about your decisions as a parent?”
“It’s your baby. You get to make that choice.”
“Your mother doesn’t get to decide for you and your baby.” ~ Flaky_Tip
“NAH. Keep in mind that at some point, your mother will not listen to you about what she should allow your daughter to do.”
“And you need to think of this situation when you get upset about it.”
“You can make decisions about your daughter – but right now, you’re also making decisions about her daughter.” ~ Just_here2020
“NTA – Your mother is going to emotionally stunt and harm your sister with constant and unnecessary degradation.”
“She has a disability; she needs to learn how to do everything WITH that disability; she should not be told she can/should never do anything because of it.”
“Lots of people have tremors and other issues, who cares?” ~ Maleficent_Web_6034
“NTA. it’s your baby, and you were right there as backup.”
“I feel horrible for your sister.”
“If her hands aren’t reliable/practiced at e.g. baby-holding, then she should be offered support, not told she just can never do stuff that she probably could, and absolutely could with a bit of help.”
“Your mom is gonna f**k with Kylie’s ability to be an independent adult if she keeps on this way.” ~ CarbonationRequired
“NTA and your mother sounds really controlling and like she’s promoting learned helplessness in your sister.”
“That said, although your baby is your baby, your mom’s child is also her child for her to make rules about.”
“But I can’t say you’re wrong, either.”
“So maybe next time, do it when she really won’t see, and make sure to tell your sister that she is strong and capable and that you trust her.” ~ Pretend-Read8385
“NTA. You are the parent in this situation.”
“Your baby, your rules.” ~ Longjumping-Cat-712
“NTA. I suspect that your mom long ago decided that Kylie was severely limited in what she could do.”
“And now, years later, the last thing she wants to see is anyone proving that she was wrong the whole time.”
“If you let Kylie hold the baby, and nothing bad happens, that ruins the story your mom has in her head about Kylie.” ~ Deep-Okra1461
“NTA. And some suggestions if you want to let her hold her again.”
“We did this with my mom for her great-grandson because her hands shook so badly.”
“Place a pillow across her lap.”
“Sit beside her.”
“Place baby on a pillow with your supporting head pointed towards you and your other hand to keep from rolling off.’
“She is then holding the baby safely without worry for either of them.” ~ tiny-pest
“NTA at all.”
“People let their little kids hold their baby siblings with assistance all the time.”
“You were there to make sure your sister didn’t drop the baby and it is your choice as the parent to decide what is and isn’t safe for your baby.”
“Honestly, your mum sounds ablest.”
“I feel sorry for your sister being told she can’t do things because of her disability when, with a little help, she actually can.” ~ KDAmber21
“NTA. Does your mother always talk about your sister in such a negative way?”
“It was a very kind thing for you to do, and if your sister was sitting down, it was perfectly safe.”
“Even if she was not sitting down if you were helping her, it was safe.”
“I find your mother’s words to your sister quite cruel.”
“I think your sister is very lucky to have you in her corner.” ~ nemc222
NTA. Your mother is a piece of work. Instead of helping your sister find ways to thrive, she says to her face that being disabled makes her untrustworthy.
“I grew up with invisible disabilities, and attitudes like hers contributed to me having thoughts of unaliving by age 12.” ~ throwaway798319
“You are the father of that baby!”
“If you want a total stranger to hold your child, that is your choice.”
“You helped Kylie hold the baby, which gave her joy.”
“Keep up the great work and tell your mom to zip it. NTA.” ~ azurdee
“NTA and you are an amazing big brother!”
“Is your mom always so hard on Kylie?”
“I suspect Kylie hears a lot about what she can’t do, and your support probably means the world to her.” ~ Strange-Employee-520
“NTA. You were holding your own daughter… your sister was assisting.”
“You made sure both minors were safe and set up for success.”
“Also, it is totally an a-hole move to say that ‘Kylie’s hands can’t be trusted.'”
“Kylie’s not a teen with a propensity towards petty theft, but a little girl whose body works differently.”
“That’s the irresponsible parenting right there… the verbal abuse of a child.” ~ bassai2
“NTA… that’s your baby you get to decide what’s safe.”
“My parents and aunt let 1.5-year-old me hold my baby cousin because I loved him so much.”
“Obviously there were people around us holding my arms and ready to catch my cousin.”
“Anyway.”
“There are ways to let anyone hold a baby safely.”
“And it’s a beautiful bonding experience.” ~ SoundOfUnder
Reddit is on your side, OP.
This is your baby, your decision.
You trusted Kylie. Good for you.
Your mom may benefit from some counseling.
She may end up stifling Kylie’s abilities for later in life.