Hospitals can be a very daunting place.
Unless you work there, nobody really wants to have to be there.
They can cause a great deal of unease, especially if you're there for a procedure.
Some people like to chat with everybody, and it can calm their nerves.
Others appreciate calm and silence.
These two options often clash.
Redditor Latter_Plant_9364 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not being a Chatty Cathy with my hospital roommate?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (30 F[emale]) had surgery earlier today."
"I gave birth to a baby six months ago."
"There were complications which could not have been operated on at the time."
"So I was the first surgery for the day (the nurses kept mentioning it), and after recovery, I was brought to my observation ward."
"About an hour or so later, I had a roommate (40ish F) who joined me."
"I had been watching TV shows on my iPad with the volume on loud."
"As soon as she arrived, I put my AirPods in as a courtesy to her."
"Later in the afternoon, my husband brought our baby to come and see me."
"As soon as they left, my roommate started up a conversation."
"I was polite and entertained the conversation for about 30 minutes."
"I apologized for cutting the conversation short but I was going to have a nap."
"Well, she got all huffy and rude, saying I was selfish."
"When I woke up from the nap, my roommate was no longer there."
"I called for pain meds, and the nurse said I must have really said something to her, as while I was asleep, she demanded to be moved to a different room and that I should be kinder with my words."
"I feel that I'm not the a**hole for wanting to sleep to recover. It could be the meds I'm on, but I feel horrible."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
NTA - Not The A**hole
YTA – You're The A**hole
NAH – No A**holes Here
ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - Why are you even entertaining a thought about how some busybody you'll never meet again feels about you?"
"You're not in a hospital to make friends but to get well."
"Ignore the nurse as well."
"She had one side of the story from the 'victim' who probably painted you as the AH." ~ MurnSwag2
"NTA. Hospital roommates really suck sometimes."
"Snoring, coughing, groaning, all kinds of stuff can happen."
"It's just the luck of the draw."
"It's not that I don't have compassion for these people, but it can make it almost impossible to get a good night's sleep."
"Hopefully you got the side of the room with the windows." ~ AgitatedPercentage32
"NTA. Tech in a hospital here."
"Both the complaining roommate and the nurse are AH's."
"Unless that nurse was joking, she was out of line."
"As for the roommate, who does she think you are?"
"Her entertainment coordinator?!"
"You're in the hospital because you're ill."
"You need rest and meds, not some nagging pain in the a** yapping in your ear."
"This is why private rooms in all hospitals should be a thing."
"You had every right to take a nap, and as far as I can see, you were polite about it."
"You gave them half an hour and then apologized and said you needed rest."
"After surgery and anesthesia, this is necessary."
"Don't give this another thought." ~ Economy-Cod310
"Exactly. Also, the roommate saw that OP had a baby when her husband brought them in to visit."
"So the roommate should have known that it's possible once OP gets home, she may not get to rest as much, so she needs to take advantage of this time to rest, not gab with her."
"She wasn't at a social club she was in recovery in the hospital. NTA." ~ Frequent_Couple5498
"I had a tech help me out in the hospital."
"I had just had an emergency C-section after 36 hours of active labor; they brought me back to my room while my baby was being checked over with my husband."
"As soon as I was wheeled in my roommate got all excited to have a new mum to talk to."
"I was doped up, uncomfortable, and exhausted, and I was trying to sleep."
"After I politely asked not to chat a few times, the tech told her to read the room and leave me alone." ~ sandgroper_westie
"As someone who's spent way too much time in hospitals, I appreciate your hard work!"
"The OP's neighbor was exceptionally rude, as was the nurse for admonishing her."
"I almost never talk to roommates when I have them in the hospital."
"I'm usually on heavy medications and mostly sleep or play games or do schoolwork on my phone or tablet, wearing headphones to stream music."
"I am a bit antisocial, so I have no problem ignoring/being ignored by roommates."
"After a surgery or procedure, it's pretty common to be very tired, especially if anesthesia is involved."
"Not to mention that having a newborn child tends to keep people from getting much rest at home."
"NTA - Don't put much worry into it, OP. You aren't in the hospital to play host to your roommates."
"The roommate should have been more gracious in understanding that someone that is ill or has been through a procedure may be physically and mentally exhausted." ~ REDDIT
"NTA. I hated the few women like that I encountered on my ward when I was hospitalized."
"They wanted 24/7 conversation, with no consideration for the fact that other people didn't."
"She was rude and nosy and always in everyone's business, wanting to know all about what was wrong with them, and asking nurses what was wrong with the patient in the side room."
"When you're in hospital, you're sick and need rest."
"Some ladies on my ward did make friends with each other, but it wasn't an expectation."
"I got totally peopled out in the hospital; it was exhausting."
"There was nowhere and no time I could just be, uninterrupted."
"Even going to the bathroom or having a shower there would be people knocking on the door."
"(Shared bathroom on the ward.)" ~ glitterswirl
"NTA. At all. I'd probably speak to the supervisor about the nurse's comments."
"While I'm sure they were well-intended, they were completely inappropriate."
"Hope you're feeling better." ~ Tricky_Direction_897
"Yeah, was gonna say the same thing."
"A new mother who just went through surgery… and the nurse has the audacity to say all of that without knowing the other side of the story?"
"Not even that —why bring it up at all?"
"Very unprofessional." ~ Massive-Bear-2911
"Came here to say this."
"I love nurses, my family is made of them- but they would never scold a sick patient for being tired/sick or even snappy."
"A nurse that worked with my mom once scolded a sick kid for vomiting on her shoes- the management was told, and she had a conversation- sometimes people just need an empathy check (or a break) because burnout from caring does happen."
"I'd definitely bring this up to management if it bothers you." ~ IntroductionSad1104
"NTA. You're in recovery from surgery, not at a bar, lol."
"Your roommate sounds like my mom. I'm sorry."
"Get some rest, and here's to a full and speedy recovery." ~ MadderHatter32
"NTA... it's a hospital stay, not a social call."
"She may have been feeling lonely, especially since you had visitors, but that doesn't mean you are her built-in company."
"I would address it with the nurses or someone else of that nature."
"It's not fair that the onus was on you because she got her feelings hurt." ~ knight_shade_realms
"NTA.years ago, I was hospitalized, and my hospital roommate had her whole family over, like it was a party - when I just wanted to rest."
"They stayed after visiting hours, and I was going crazy with frustration."
"I was pretty young (19 or so) and finally called the nurse and whispered to her to please make them leave so I could sleep."
"You are there to rest, not to socialize!" ~ kandoux
"NTA!!! As a retired R[egistered] N[urse], firstly wanting to sleep after surgery is normal, and the exhaustion you feel can be… erratic."
"Secondly, they shouldn't have said anything to you about her having a fit over the fact she didn't have anyone to talk to."
"It's not YOUR responsibility to keep her entertained!!!"
"And they told you to be kinder with your words?"
"Report that nurse to your patient advocate, or you could simply confront her and say, 'I don't appreciate being told to be kinder with my words as I was tired and in pain."'
"'I didn't say or do anything unkind.'"
"'And you should probably have the entire story before you reprimand me within and of itself is unacceptable as I'm an adult.'"
"'I'm within my right to not want to speak to anyone while recovering." ~ cinnamongirl73
"NTA. I had a hospital stay once and unfortunately had to share a room with the worst person."
"Her family in and out at all hours with comments like, why is she in here- referring to me."
"Started taking over my side of the room... the highlight for me was at 1 am when she was watching a movie on her iPad with no headphones at high volume."
"You did nothing wrong. You were there to recover."
"You are not there to make friends. Your number one concern is you and your health."
"I'm surprised at the staff reaction." ~ Fishby
"NTA... you shouldn't have to be dealing with this in the hospital, and the nurse shouldn't have upset you like that while you're recovering." ~ ImaginaryAd5712
"NTA. You just gave birth and had surgery."
"You politely ended the chat. Wouldn't be the AH even if you gave that nurse the middle finger for not minding her business."
"She's not there to be the moral police."
"The problem was already resolved when you woke up." ~ Fudgel89
"NTA... nurse was rude, and the patient was even more rude."
"After my surgery, I was asleep on and off for about 24 hours, I didn't eat until the morning after my surgery (which was at 9 am the previous day)."
"That was literally the first time I was awake for longer than 10 mins."
"You spoke to her for 30 minutes, then apologized as you wanted to sleep."
"Nothing wrong with that."
"Her problem is she got her feelings hurt."
"I mean if you were on heavy morphine, maybe you said something else but I doubt it." ~ Ok_Young1709
"That's quite a hospital that moves people to new rooms when they ask for it and chastises their patients."
"If true, NTA of course." ~ Melodic_Pattern175
"NTA, ask for the immediate supervisor of that nurse and report her."
"You are there to recover, not playroom host, and the audacity of that nurse to reprimand you. Yeah, no time to file some truth back at that nasty nurse."
"Get her name. It should be on your whiteboard in the room. also, you can file with the patient relation office."
"I would also ask for another nurse, as this one seems to be biased against you." ~ Glittering_Code_4311
"NTA at all."
"And the staff seriously overstepped."
"Your only job there is to recover, you have no duty to be in-house entertainment."
"I would be tempted to complain about the member of staff who spoke to you like that." ~ WatchingTellyNow
Well, OP had a small update...
"I am in a private hospital; for my admission, I did request a private room, but it is not always guaranteed."
"Yesterday and today were the last days for 'elective' surgery."
"To my surprise, an old classmate who works in the recovery ward and didn't want to freak me out yesterday by visiting came by today."
"She texted me saying she saw my name and then me in the ward yesterday, this morning she came by before she started her shift."
"We had a lovely conversation and she got to meet my little one as my in-laws came by to visit as they are babysitting for him."
"It was a wonderful silver lining as I hadn't seen my classmate for about 6 years."
"Turns out the former roommate was never meant to be put in a room with me as there are a lot of empty rooms."
"My new morning nurse said that the former roommate was still complaining about me and a whole lot more."
"She was doing laps up and down the ward and made comments to my mother-in-law about how rude I was as they were leaving."
"My mother-in-law told her to shut up and focus on her own recovery instead of worrying about other people."
"I get discharged tomorrow morning, so I am trying to rest up before I am back with my little family."
Reddit is on your side here, OP.
This woman sounds like she has some issues she needs to work out for herself.
You needed to focus on your rest and recovery.
Not everybody wants to make hospital visits a social situation.
Here is to a speedy recovery.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp