People can bond over shared experiences, good or bad. Sometimes those bonds turn to romance.
But if the only commonality is one experience, the relationship may not last. Still, it might be worth pursuing.
A soon-to-be ex-husband turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback on his dating life.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—like this post. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Semidarkcave asked:
"AITAH for dating the wife of my wife's affair partner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (45, female) cheated on me (45, male) with a man. When I found out, I informed his wife Karen—actually her real name, believe it or not, she is very sweet though—and she threatened divorce."
"He got angry, and he started to attack her. She escaped to her neighbours and called the cops."
"He is in police custody and awaiting trial. Karen and I grew close after that."
"My wife and I made an attempt to fix our marriage, but I didn't put in much effort because I was finding myself getting close to Karen."
"My wife found out about our texts and gave me an ultimatum to stop texting her. I refused and formally asked Karen on a date."
"I am also in the process of divorce, and my wife is harassing Karen. Telling her I am only with her because she is manipulative. That she deserved to get attacked, etc..."
"My friends are saying that I should reconsider my relationship with Karen because it will create a lot of complications in my life."
"But I don't want to, I think it could be a real relationship for me."
"What do you guys think?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was
"Yeah, sometimes good things come from bad situations. You didn't go looking for this, but if it feels real, there's nothing wrong with seeing where it goes." ~ Dzreamy
"It's rare, but I love stories like this. It's fate."
"Your ex- and her ex (both seem like awful people, but a man who beats a woman is even a bigger piece of sh*t) Tell your ex to put her clown makeup on for two reasons."
"1st: She looks like a clown for complaining about a mess she started."
"2nd: It will work to disguise the bruises she will take from her great new choice."
"That being said, don't make it the center of your new relationship, no need to carry the trauma into the new space…" ~ Planetofthetakes
"You didn't start the mess your ex did if Karen brings you peace, and it's mutual. There's nothing wrong with finding comfort in each other after all that pain." ~ FayeLea
"It was about power for the ex-wife. She saw the a**hole as a 'real man' and felt powerful when she cheated with him and stole him from Karen.
"Now everybody knows he is a small insecure loser that hit his wife, so he is no longer a high status man. Karen and OP finding each other killed her chance of going back to OP until the next affair." ~ Trick-Independence58
"Toxic narcissists don't believe they ever do anything wrong. She wants a life with no consequences and is mad to find out there are some." ~ Trick_Sandwich_7208
"NTA. Get a good lawyer, they can argue the message 'she deserves to get beaten' is a threat and you and your partner need a restraining order on top of a divorce." ~ SockMaster9273
"NTA, but bonding over shared betrayal is a real thing, and it can come back to haunt you later in life. Enjoy the time with Karen, but don't commit completely for a few more years." ~ HasOneHere
"NTA. However, it is quite a messy situation. You should pump the brakes and not date her until you're done your divorce."
"Let the dust settle, and then you two can get to know each other. Right now, trauma is bringing you together."
"They always say the first relationship after a divorce doesn't make it cuz it's the rebound relationship and in this case it's major rebound."
"It's revenge and rebound all rolled into one. So slow it down, and don't be stupid." ~ NaturesVividPictures
"NTA This is not uncommon. Thank your wife for helping to match you with your soulmate. It's a beautiful how I met your mother moment." ~ WhatIsYourPronoun
"You know I'm kind of awed by this situation, it's musical chairs, but not the fun sort. You're fine, other than having a jerk for a wife, the other woman is fine, except for having a felon for a husband."
"And then there is you, forget the wife. She doesn't deserve your consideration. The other woman does, but only casually right now. She is in a bad spot at the moment, her husband is in jail, money might be an issue, she needs support."
"You're also in a bad place, bad wife, and you've got to be feeling a little inadequate. So what to do? Go slow, let the divorces play out, help her, if you must, but understand that when the dust settles, you both might be in different places."
"Especially, since you both were cheated on, why did that happen in your marriages? After that, you can really work on a long-term relationship with her or someone new." ~ One_Veterinarian3174
"Your wife broke the marriage first, and you're under no obligation to avoid someone who treated you with respect, especially when that connection grew out of shared trauma."
"Karen isn't the problem here; your wife's cheating, manipulation, and harassment are."
"As long as you and Karen are both consenting adults and healing together in a healthy way, you don't owe anyone else an apology." ~ SoftlySpirited
"Getting cheated on sucks. My husband had an affair with his assistant at work, and it practically put me in the ground. She wasn't married, but I never..."
"I know the type of responses that will be here, but after having spent some time in the Reddit infidelity forums, these types of relationships are rarely healthy."
"But you do you, and I truly hope you find peace and happiness." ~ WildMaineBlueberry87
"NTA. However, your friends have a point. Your ex is trash and deserves the karma."
"That said, you were literally trying to reconcile until she hit you with a dirty ultimatum. Then you turned around to date who she warned you about."
"So although her motives may be trash, she had a point. There was a reason for her to worried."
"So, I am not saying not to date Karen. In fact, it's the dreamy, romantic thing to do. However, this isn't a hallmark movie, and you displayed strong signs of codependency in your own story without realizing it."
"You really need to slow the hell down, take your time with this. Go super slow and consider some therapy for yourself. Be yourself and the man you can be for Karen, not her white knight who loses himself all over again." ~ Odd_Welcome7940
"My dad and his current wife were in the same position. His ex was having an affair with his now wife's husband. They cried on each others shoulder then married. They were together for over 30 years before her death." ~ Failed1962
"Your soon-to-be ex-wife cheated on you… hence you have nothing to answer for… do what you want. Trying to save a marriage when someone cheated is only possible if both really want it and that's doubtful based on the evidence presented in most cases." ~ PCenthusiast85
"Your wife was entertaining another man with her ankles in the air, bro. She gets no say ever again on how you run your love life."
"You and Karen becoming close is somewhat common due to the shared trauma of betrayal."
"Your marriage was cooked the moment your wife cheated so proceed with the divorce in clean conscience and enjoy your time with and getting to know Karen. You deserve it." ~ LincolnHawkHauling
"NTA, I mean, it will complicate your life, but you two deserve a chance at happiness after being with dickhead spouses, so give it a shot."
"Your wife sounds lovely (snark), she sounds jealous that you have a shot with someone while her affair partner is now facing abuse charges, and rightfully so." ~ Sparklingwine23
"I can speak from experience as the exact same thing, minus the beating and the cops' involvement, happened to me. Essentially my neighbor and I swapped wives."
"They're still together, but unfortunately, about two years afterward, my relationship ended with the other wife. Where it gets dicey, at least it did with us, is if you have kids. If there's no kids..."
"You like her, she likes you, you're both adults? Go at it. It will definitely make your divorce and hers a lot harder because you'll have to deal with the exes."
"Just make sure that it's not the situation at hand that you base your relationship on. Good luck." ~ Whole_thing_2121
"NTA. She cheated, and you're divorcing each other. If no children are involved, then go for it, but if either of you have kids, I'd say proceed very slowly. That's where things get complicated." ~ Srvntgrrl_789
There may be a long-term relationship here, but proceeding with caution is good advice.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.