The death of a parent is hard for anyone at any age.
But it seems particularly tragic when the death is unexpected, and the children aren’t adults yet.
The only consolation the children might get is having a chance to say goodbye to their parent and spend time with supportive, loving family and friends.
A mother who wants that for her grieving children turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Puzzleheaded-Bus-877 asked:
“AITA for taking my kids to their dad’s funeral?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m going to jump right in because the funeral is this Friday. My ex-husband passed away last week in a car accident, very unexpectedly.”
“The troopers came to my house (I’m his emergency contact) to break the news. The first person I called was his father, and he flew out the next day with my ex’s sister.”
“Before he flew out, he asked me where we should have the service, in Texas (where we live) or back in Maryland where our families and friends all still live.”
“I told him I felt like the service needed to be in Maryland because that was where everyone was, and he (my ex’s father) agreed.”
“He let me know the funeral home said they might be able to do a small viewing in Texas with just family, and I agreed to do that as long as I felt like my ex was in a condition he’d be OK with.”
“I met my ex’s sister and his dad at the funeral home to go over paperwork and plan the viewing. He told me all the details for the funeral back home, and we talked a bit about where my ex worked, his day-to-day life, his home, and the probate process.”
“His father was taking care of the probate process and seemed defensive about some of his belongings. I really felt like focusing on my children was more important than arguing over small things in the home… all of that could wait.”
“So I backed off of helping with cleaning out his home and handed over all of his insurance paperwork and other information I had that would be useful to them like contacts at his work and his electronic login.”
“We had the viewing, both of our children said goodbye to their dad, and it was very emotional.”
“At the viewing, I mentioned that a friend had paid for our tickets to fly home to Maryland as I was quickly realizing how much everything was going to cost, and I suddenly was without the financial help of their dad.”
“I was extremely thankful for their generosity.”
“After the viewing, I didn’t hear anything from his sister or dad. They didn’t ask to see the kids or let me know what was going on with the process.”
“I was actively trying to navigate the life insurance process while grieving my ex and helping my children with their feelings. The last few days have been a blur of crying and anger for all of us—we are so heartbroken to have lost him.”
“My ex’s sister and father flew out on Friday. Around noon, I got a call from his father telling me we were not welcome at the funeral and that my children and I would be a distraction to his (my ex’s father’s) family’s grieving.”
“I was blindsided.”
“I’m shocked and hurt. I told him I had never heard anything so hateful, and the conversation was over.”
“My ex’s father and sister have never visited Texas. We’ve lived here for 4 years.”
“They were not close to my ex and had no idea where he worked, nor even had any recent photos of him.”
“We were divorced, but still good friends, and my ex was a devoted father. His children were his world.”
“AITA for not listening to his father and still taking them?”
“The funeral is open to anyone, according to the obituary. I can’t imagine us being there among hundreds of other people will really be a problem.”
“Our children want to go to the funeral. I did not tell them what their grandfather said, though.”
“We used life insurance to pay for the cremation and viewing in Texas and transport to Maryland. My ex-father-in-law is paying for the funeral in Maryland—he decided this without really speaking to me about it.”
“It’s a small town funeral home where they know me and my ex-husband—from childhood—and ex-father-in-law very well.”
“It’s not a big family. My ex wasn’t close with them and hadn’t seen them for years before he passed.”
“But we both grew up in the same small town and kept in contact with some family members. They haven’t said if ex-father-in-law said anything about me going or not going.”
“I haven’t asked either.”
The OP later added:
“For those asking his reason, he said, ‘well, I gave you a nice service here’—we had a short viewing only and had previously agreed to the service being in Maryland, so no, there was no service in Texas.”
“Also for clarity, I am the beneficiary on the insurance policies. My ex and I did his open enrollment together every year and we put each other as our beneficiaries to make it easier if anything like this ever did happen to either of us.”
“I honestly never thought I’d need to do anything like bury their dad… and it’s hard.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I may take my children to their dad’s funeral against the wishes of my ex-father-in-law.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“You’re the emergency contact. Your kids are the immediate family. He doesn’t get to tell you you’re a distraction.”
“NTA, what a truly bizarre and cruel thing to do to his grandchildren.” ~ dryadduinath
“NTA and call the probate offices and let them know your children are the heirs.”
“Your ex-FIL seems like he is going to try and cut the kids out of their money.” ~ jazzyma71
“NTA. Attend with your kids. Also, protect your kids.”
“They are likely the next of kin and have rights. If necessary, cut ex-FIL out of the equation and file for probate and to be the executor for your children.”
“This whole thing sounds shady and like your ex’s family wants to cut your kids out of the process.” ~ sheramom4
“This is EXTREMELY important. Next of kin order, if everyone is of age would go spouse, kids, parents, siblings.”
“File for Social Security for the kids and Medicare. This will help offset the childcare costs no longer covered by child support.”
“The reason for the hate may be because of the life insurance. If your ex was as devoted as you wrote, there is nothing being paid to his parents or sibling. It would be what I would do, so that may have pissed them off in a skeevy gold digger way.”
“I would put your own obituary in the local paper so that it is CLEAR he had kids, so that when you do show up, everyone has to be on their best behavior or else look like the parasites they are behaving as. NTA.” ~ ChaoticCapricorn
“NTA, but ex-fil is. Do what you think will be best for the kids.”
“Order copies of the death certificate right now. Contact Social Security for survivor’s benefits for the children immediately, assuming they are under 18 or still in high school.”
“Contact his work and see if your kids are the beneficiaries of any insurance or retirement plan.”
“Check with the register of wills in his county to find if he had a will on file. If ex-fil is being weird and freezing you out, this is why. If you and the kids don’t show up, he thinks it will provide cover for not sharing with the children.”
“Good luck, and I’m sorry for your loss, and very sorry for the kids’ loss.” ~ AnnoyedRedheadedMom
“NTA. It seems like this man is realizing how terrible a father he was, but instead of being a better grandfather, he just doesn’t want any evidence that other people were closer to his son.”
“The children of the deceased would be at the top of the list to be present and say their goodbyes.” ~ Tangerine_Bouquet
“This is beyond cruel, like how the f*ck do you tell a man’s own kids they’re not welcome at his funeral‽‽ That’s their father, their loss, and their grief.”
“NTA. No one has the right to take that from them. His dad and sister weren’t even close to him, but suddenly wanna gatekeep mourning?”
“Nah, you do what’s best for your kids, they deserve to say goodbye however they need to. Stay strong for them.” ~ Crystalrosse
“I have a feeling Grandpa is trying to make it look like you and the kids had less contact with Dad than you did. He can point to ‘they didn’t even come to the funeral!’ when he tries to cut off their inheritance.”
“Stuff like that does matter in court.”
“Absolutely go. Not only do your kids (and you) deserve the closure and to honor him, but the grandpa is scheming. Don’t let him win.” ~ koalawedgie
The OP provided a brief update.
“We went, we stayed about 10 minutes, and then right before the eulogy, the funeral director told us ex-father-in-law said we had to leave.”
“We were then escorted out. We were not allowed to stay for the service.”
“It was upsetting for my kids and myself.”
“We did get to see a few people, and my children got to see how loved their dad was, even if only for a moment.”
“I have a wrongful death attorney who is helping me with the process, but I will reach out to a probate attorney.”
“Thank you to everyone for the advice on SSI.”
Death can bring out the worst in some people. At least the OP’s children now know why their father disliked his own family and what kind of person their paternal grandfather is.