For many young people, going to university is their first real taste of freedom, independence, and responsibility. But some struggle with being in charge of their own lives.
There’s no guardian there to make sure they go to class.
A conscientious student turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over refusing to share their hard work with a friend.
Far-Upstairs7091 asked:
“AITA for not letting my friend copy my notes anymore after she told me I was too ‘obsessive’ about studying?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“The way I handle school is very well (20, female). It helps me learn better when I take detailed notes for all of my classes.”
“Since the beginning of the semester, my friend ‘Emily’ (20, female) has been taking my notes because she misses a lot of class and says she has trouble keeping up. At first, I didn’t mind because I thought I was helping her, but lately it feels like I’m the only one benefiting.”
“Emily told our group last week that I ‘overdo it’ with my notes and that I’m ‘obsessive’ about learning. I felt pretty bad about myself as everyone laughed.”
“I told her that was rude, especially since she was the one who was getting something out of my ‘obsessive’ notes. She laughed and told me to calm down because it was only a joke.”
“After that, I told her she could no longer borrow my notes. This week, she asked for them, and I told her no and told her why.”
“It really does feel like she didn’t think this through. Mocking someone and then asking for their help doesn’t make much sense at all.”
“It’s frustrating when someone takes your help for granted and then puts you down.”
“She pushed back, telling me I was taking the joke too seriously and that it wasn’t a big deal. Some of our friends think I was too angry and that I should still help her because she ‘needs it’.”
“AITA for cutting her off from my notes after what she said?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I stopped letting my friend borrow my notes after she made fun of me for being ‘obsessive’ about studying.”
“It might make me the a**hole because she struggles to keep up in class, and some might see my decision as holding a grudge over a joke.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. What she NEEDS is to show up to class and take her own notes. If there is a medical reason she cannot attend class, she needs to get into contact with the appropriate school staff to get proper accommodations.”
“You were kind to share with her, but you don’t owe her anything, especially if she’s going to be ungrateful and hurtful towards you. It doesn’t sound like she even apologized or took accountability for hurting your feelings.” ~ Think-Tap
“NTA. There’s an age old saying: ‘don’t bite the hand that feeds you’. It basically means ‘don’t be a f*cking dick to someone who is willingly helping you out, ‘cuz they might just stop’.”
“Emily FAFO. She sounds like an entitled brat, and those are always better off being left to learn their lessons the hard way.” ~ KingGuinevere
“NTA. If it didn’t feel like a joke to you, as it was about YOU, then it’s not a joke and it’s a backhanded comment to make you look small. She is jealous you write enough notes and she can’t keep up.”
“If you feel like the joke was out of line, don’t share your notes. Actions have consequences.” ~ SoThrowawayy0
“NTA. She doesn’t view this as a friendship but as a convenience. Your notes means she likely doesn’t feel the need to go to class.”
“Watch how when you no longer comply, that she’ll drop you. Maybe make your New Year’s resolution to find new friends!” ~ Hail-the-whale
“NTA. I was not the best student back in uni, and even when I attended class and took notes, I would afterwards copy the ones from a friend as hers where sooo much better.”
“But what I never did was badmouth her. I thanked her every time she was so kind as to let me copy them.” ~ red4scare
“NTA—she wouldn’t be behind if she showed up to class. If she wants to waste her college years and at least in the US, big $$$$$$, that’s up to her.”
“Make sure your notes are secured and cannot be stolen from you. She’ll try.” ~ IAmTAAlways
“NTA. It was pretty dumb of her to mock you then expect your help. Really dumb.”
“Of course this is the same person who skips class regularly. She doesn’t sound like the brightest bulb in the box.” ~ PhoenixRisingToday
“NTA, and she’s not much of a friend. Let the friends who are on her side help her.” ~ CulturalTarget4646
“I was Emily at one point. I didn’t make the nasty comment, but I did miss class a lot my senior year and would borrow my friend’s notes.”
“She became resentful about it, and rightfully so. I was just being lazy. That was it.”
“If your friend had an emergency or something going on in her life that was interfering with school, that would be one thing. But she doesn’t. She’s literally just being f*cking lazy.”
“The student I became in grad school is the student you are now. I took obsessive notes, color coded them and everything.”
“I found it was the best way I could learn, and it helped me focus. I was undiagnosed ADHD in my undergrad. So I guess maybe it wasn’t so much laziness, but part of it was.”
“I loved letting people borrow my notes and others benefitting from my ‘obsessiveness’. I got teased for my color coding, but it was playful, not mean—as in, I laughed.”
“I’d hope that I wouldn’t have given someone my notes who openly mocked me in front of our friend group.”
Don’t be a people pleaser. Continue with your stance and tell her not to bite the hand that feeds her.”
“It wouldn’t hurt to tell her she’s just being lazy and to perhaps get her sh*t together. It was a wake up call for me when that happened, for sure.”
“If she responds negatively, she’s not your friend. NTA.” ~ torrentialwx
“‘Yes, it was only a joke. A joke that came at my expense, and made me feel bad. Why are you under the impression that bullying or mean behavior can’t be acknowledged because it’s a joke?’.”
“NTA, keep up your consequences, don’t give into the group members that would prefer you as a doormat that doesn’t rock the boat.”
“And if you continue to get harassment as a result of standing up for yourself, time to implement the important lesson that 20-year-olds all have to go through: Paring down your friends from people you happen to be in class with or initially got along with, to people who actually consistently make you happy to be around them.”
“It’s something not talked about enough. Adult friendships and kid friendships are different, and people in their early 20s all either go through this ‘paring’ transition, or end up stuck with people they don’t want to be around.” ~ Irish_Whiskey
“You aren’t allowed to make fun of someone for their preparedness after you have benefitted from that preparedness. Before? Sure, that is fair game.”
“You can make fun of me for having two multitools on my belt—I don’t mind; I acknowledge that it looks silly and over-the top. Until you need a pair of shears and you also need a pair of pliers.”
“Make fun of me for carrying two pens, and I will still let you borrow one. But make fun of me for carrying two pens (well, actually four, but two of them are in my pants pocket) after that point, and then I am really sorry, but I need both of them.”
“Those are the rules. You can make fun of someone’s overpreparedness until and unless your butt has been saved by it.”
“Once you borrow that tool, you are forever required to respond to people who make fun of them for having tools by telling them that it helped you.”
“There are rules about this, and your refusal to help her is in line with those rules. NTA.
“Oh, also, taking the appropriate amount of notes that you are supposed to take doesn’t count as overpreparedness.” ~ IanDOsmond
“NTA. So the thing about college (in the US) that is not true about most school until this point, is that you are paying for the privilege to be there. If she is not showing up because she doesn’t want to be there, she is wasting her own (or parents’) money.”
“I am willing to bet that if she is ‘falling behind’ there are resources for her. If it is a gen-ed course, there is almost certainly someone getting paid to help students who struggle.”
“Everyone has to take gen-eds. If it is degree specific, there is still almost certainly someone getting paid to help students.”
“If she wants to pay you for tutoring, help her, but she isn’t worth your energy if she isn’t going to give you the energy and respect that your hard work and investment in yourself includes.” ~ SnooChickens1598
The OP later shared:
“She really did this to herself, and maybe this will be the wake-up call she needs. If our ‘friends’ think she needs help so badly, they can step up instead.”
“Her actions have consequences, and I’m done letting it slide. It really wasn’t funny, just hurtful.”
“A joke shouldn’t come at someone else’s expense. And gratitude would’ve gone a long way.”
“If she has a legitimate reason for missing class, there are better ways to handle it than relying on me. And no, she didn’t apologize, which makes it even harder to want to help her again.”
“She’s making her own choices, and I shouldn’t have to deal with the fallout. I’ll definitely make sure my notes are safe, just in case.”
“I’m starting to realize I deserve friends who appreciate me more. A fresh start with better friends might be exactly what I need!”
It sounds like the OP found the best solution for themselves.