One of the most concerning issues with having roommates can be boundaries.
An important part of any relationship.
But for many, they are essential in a living situation with virtual strangers.
It seems like no matter how hard everyone tries, boundaries will get pushed.
And whether they're financial, physical, or secrets and lies; the fallout isn't often pretty.
Redditor OldOutlandishness252 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not telling my friends I am technically our landlord?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (18 F[emale]) am very lucky in that I have two very hardworking parents who are successful and love me."
"We aren't mega-wealthy but we are very comfortable as my parents are extremely smart financially."
"We own multiple houses as part of our real estate portfolio that we rent out for extra income."
"I recently started college, and as a present for working hard and getting into my dream school, my parents gifted me one of our houses near my college."
"I was going to inherit them all anyway, but I really appreciated their gesture."
"Where I live real estate law is a little tricky and we would have to pay significant taxes to officially transfer the house to me so we decided to have my parents own it legally for now."
"The house is pretty big with 4 floors (including a fully furnished basement) and a roomy attic and since it is near my school I decided to look for roommates so I could start earning money early."
"So far I have two roommates, who we'll call Sasha (18F) and Bea (19F) who also go to my school."
"We have been living together for a couple of months now (they moved in around August), and we are all pretty good friends and very compatible roommates."
"This is where I might be the a**hole."
"I didn't want to tell them that I owned the house as I thought it might create a weird dynamic between us, and I didn't want them to view me any differently."
"We split the bills and rent, with me technically paying nothing."
"Since my father legally owns the house and we have different surnames (I took my mother's last name) they have no idea I own the house or that my Dad just sends the money back to me."
"Sasha recently found the money my Dad sent back while I was at class and told Bea, and they cornered me about it a few days ago."
"I told them everything, and they're mad at me for hiding this from them. They think I'm not only wrong for keeping it a secret but for making them pay rent in the first place."
"The house's mortgage has already been paid off, so the rent goes entirely into my pocket."
"I responded by saying that they shouldn't have gone through my mail in the first place and that it was illegal, which I'll admit was kind of a low blow."
"We weren't friends when they moved in, and the whole point of me wanting roommates was so that I could earn extra cash, so I don't see why I should let them reside for free."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA here?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"But for making them pay rent in the first place."
"And so your point is proven immediately."
"NTA. But stop saying that you aren't mega-wealthy."
"You got given a 4-story house in a college city as a graduation gift and enough income that you can afford to live in a house like that with only two roommates."
"The difference between what you think wealthy and mega-wealthy are irrelevant given that - your family is absolutely wealthy and your attempts at trying to be humble make the teeth itch."
"I'm saying this because recognizing you are wealthy is an important part of you looking to change you're viewing these sorts of interactions." ~ StripedBadger
"NTA. They do not have a leg to stand on."
"Just because you are extremely privileged does not mean they should get to live rent-free."
"But I agree with the poster above: You are extremely out of touch and tone-deaf."
"Only megarich people use terms like 'our real estate portfolio.'"
"Only very wealthy people own multiple homes mortgage-free."
"And renting out a house your parents gave you is not exactly 'earning money' even if it is going in your pocket, as you say."
"I'd also stop using terms like 'we own' and 'our real estate portfolio that we rent out.'"
"Your parents own all of this property, except maybe the house they gave you." ~ ParkerBench
"NTA but why are you mailing money back and forth?!"
"That is so ridiculously risky... And you are very wealthy, don't try to play it down." ~ Aggressive_Cloud2002
"This all could have been avoided by father causing a direct deposit into OP'S bank account."
"As someone else indicated, OP could have indicated that her parents owned the property."
"But honestly, that wasn't even necessary."
"It also appears there's no complaint that their rent is too high."
"Given all of the above, you are NTA, OP." ~ Tight-Shift5706
"NTA. Do they think they can live rent-free in someone else's house in the future?"
"Now why would they even begin to think they wouldn't have to pay rent to live somewhere they don't own?
"In the future just tell your roommates, it will save you so much grief."
"And yes your family is wealthy."
"I know it's different where I live, but we are people who get along nicely."
"We paid our mortgage and own our house, and we make enough money to never need to worry if something breaks."
"And can even afford renovations done by professionals if we save a little extra."
"Owning several places is considered wealthy probably anywhere." ~ Patient_Chemist_1312
"NTA. Of course, they have to pay rent."
"Did they think an owner would randomly pick 3 people and give them free rooms because they owned a house?"
"You weren't even friends." ~ LetsGetsThisPartyOn
"NTA. Yes maybe you should have said your parents own the home, but it changes nothing."
"They still rent space in a home your parents legally own. If your father wants to gift you the rent money back, then that's his business."
"He is your father and can send you any money he wants."
"I don't understand the entitled attitude that if the homeowner or their child doesn't pay rent, I should not have to pay."
"It is your family's property, and your agreement with your parents on what you pay is different from the agreement you have with the roommates, to whom it could be argued you are subletting since the house is technically still in your parent's names."
"Tell your roommates the deal doesn't change, but they are free to leave and then find new roommates."
"Getting along well with them does not entitle them to free housing." ~ Lego_Panda_Bear
"NTA for keeping your situation private, but multiple paid-off rental properties = wealthy."
"Most of your classmates' parents likely don't even own the home they live in, or at least not without a 30-year mortgage."
"Your one huge house will likely bring in more income than they'll make at their first professional jobs after graduation."
"You need to be aware of how that's going to affect your interpersonal relationships for your entire life." ~ inscrutablejane
"NTA. These girls are renters, period."
"It doesn't matter who collects the rent or where it goes; they are renters."
"If they think they can get a better housing deal, let them move out."
"I don't understand why you and your dad set things up that way, though."
"Why not have the money deposited to an account that you can access as you like?"
"Better yet, get a property manager to handle all the maintenance issues and collect the rent." ~ kol_al
"NTA. Their reactions justified your decision not to tell them about owning the house."
"Even if they agreed to pay rent, they would constantly be asking you as a 'friend' for extensions, delays, and just forgiveness on the rent."
"Stick to your guns OP." ~ RumSoakedChap
"NTA at all, but it feels a bit weird that you pretend to pay rent - as in you sound to pay it every month, and then your dad sends it back. :) " ~ kittyrouge
"NTA at all but I still hate you." ~ Useful_Award4492
OP came back with extra information...
"People in the comments were asking, basically we have a system where whoever is home brings all the mail in and puts it on the kitchen island."
"Bea brought the mail in but Sasha opened my mail before I got home."
"My Dad doesn't send me straight-up cash... lol."
"He mails two cheques, with the amount Sasha and Bea paid, and when Sasha saw the cheques from the landlord to me with the exact amount of her and Bea's rent she put two and two together and interrogated me when I came home."
"I don't know why she opened my mail in the first place."
"I've never noticed her snooping before but maybe she has and I just never saw."
"Ok answering a couple of other things I keep seeing in the comments."
"Yes, I know the assets aren't technically mine but I have unlimited access to them, and will inherit all of them one day (my parents have told me this directly it's not an assumption)."
"And my parents consider it equally mine, so yes I consider them mine as well."
"I didn't earn them, I was just lucky enough to be born to amazing parents and I'm grateful to them for that."
"Generic comment about evil landlords: Bea and Sasha are NOT poor, and I'm not charging way above market price."
"If they felt the price was too steep, they could dorm, which is actually cheaper, or find a cheaper place."
"They are paying extra for luxury, I'm not exploiting broke children."
"Why use cheques instead of e-banking?"
"I do all of my business online but my Dad bought a fancy custom mailbox and he's trying (and failing) to convince my mom that it wasn't a waste so he likes to mail EVERYTHING now."
"I get letters instead of texts."
"Yes it's ridiculous and after this incident, we'll definitely be doing our finances online only."
"I maintain that I'm not mega-rich."
"Yes, I acknowledge that I'm extremely privileged compared to most other Americans but in my head, at least mega-rich is people like my boyfriend's family that own actual mansions, and have yachts, or like celebrities and billionaires with private jets, etc."
"Compared to most of my friends I'm middle class."
"Why I changed my last name when I'm on good terms with my father?"
"My parents are both British Indian immigrants, and my Dad has a super ethnic and long hard to pronounce last name whereas my mom has a nice short and cute last name."
"When I apply for jobs people will judge me based on my name and I don't want that."
"My Dad faced that discrimination and I grew up in a predominantly white community so I know people's perception of you change based on how American/white you are perceived to be."
"Also my mom went through labor and nine months of pregnancy, she deserves to have her last name continued."
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
You're a lucky lady, and it's good that you acknowledge that.
It is definitely a problem that your roommate opened your mail.
That is a BIG boundary issue. It's your house, you're rules.
At least it's all out in the open now.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp