It's true that it takes a village to raise a child and that not all of the responsibility should fall on the parents alone if they want their child to have a well-rounded upbringing.
But as much fun as it might be to involve their other children in their youngest's upbringing, the expectations can quickly shift into parentification, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor New-Role3083 was 19 and a new college student, still living at home with her parents, who expected her to take on many of the responsibilities of caring for her three-year-old brother.
When those responsibilities started to impact her college work, the Original Poster (OP) tried to tell her parents that she couldn't be like a "third parent" to her brother anymore, only for them to threaten to kick her out if she didn't continue helping.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for telling my parents that I don't want to be a third parent to my brother anymore?"
The OP felt taken advantage of when it came to caring for her little brother.
"I (19 Female) live with my parents (51 Male and 45 Female) and my little brother (3 Male)."
"For the past three years, from the day he was born, I’ve constantly felt like I was the third parent."
"Don’t get me wrong, at first I loved helping out with small things like grabbing clothes or making bottles; I never complained at all."
The OP's parents kept adding to her responsibilities, even when she started going to college.
"Yet, as of the past couple of months, things have changed to the point where I’m becoming a third parent, and it’s TIRING."
"For context, both parents work from home, and I’m in college or at work for most of the week, so when I get home at around 5:00 or 7:00 PM, I’m tired and just want to get extra work done or get things ready for tomorrow."
"For some reason, although, instead of being given random tasks to help out with, I’m now being given lists to do all to do with taking care of my brother, and all responsibility has now been put on me."
"For example: 'Diaper change, food, bath, brush hair, snack, dress for bed, diaper change, play with him, take him to bed.'"
"At first I thought it was a joke, but it turns out they’re being dead serious, and I’ve complied for months since they said if I don’t, I’ll be kicked out, and now I’m far behind on college work."
The OP even tried dodging responsibilities by staying on campus, but her parents had a solution for that, too.
"I wish I could try staying out later or stalling, I’ve tried it before but they have 'Life 360' on me, and the minute I’m done with college or work, they want me home as soon as possible."
"The only times I can really escape are Saturdays or Sundays, but even then, I dedicate one day to studying at home since they don’t allow me to go anywhere else."
"It’s haunted me the minute they discovered 'Life 360.' It feels like I can’t do anything anymore without having a phone call my way asking what I’m doing or where I’m going."
"When applying to college, I asked if I could just work full time to save money, yet my mama said I’d be disappointing my bloodline and how I need to be 'the first Black woman in the family to go to college and get a bachelor's and master's degree,' and she said I can get a real job the minute I get them."
The OP tried to set a boundary with her parents, but it backfired.
"I told them last night that I can’t do it anymore, and I’m not a third parent, and they’re home all day, so I don’t understand why nearly all responsibility is pushed onto me when I’ve had a long day already."
"When I told them this, though, they said that they’re too exhausted and that I’m ungrateful for womanly life lessons."
"They said how I should be helping no matter what, and how they’re the ones doing it all day, so I’m there for the 'night shift,' while also threatening to kick me out if I don’t continue to help."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to move out of her parents' house as soon as possible.
"NTA. Start saving/making plans to move out ASAP. Start studying in the school library at night as much as possible."
"Don't go home until your homework is done and everything you need for school is completed for the next day. Tell them you’ve got an evening class now, and then the other evening or two you’re a TA or tutoring or something. Anything to buy that time and not be in the home."
"Girlie, you’re not the a**hole. But you’re gonna have to move out." - freecarrotsticks
"Talk to your college advisor or dean. Some colleges and universities have emergency funds or other resources to help students who have living situations that are incompatible with college."
"I really hope that you get this worked out. Tell your parents from this 69-year-old great-grandma that they both suck." - mcdulph
"NTA. This happens quite a bit. Especially to the oldest daughter. If you comply it may completely derail any college or higher education. Sometimes parents will pressure their daughter to stop working for pay or only work part time. You are effectively an unpaid nanny."
"One big problem is that this is not preparing you to build an adult life. Your parents can kick you out at any time and for any reason. They have already threatened to do so."
"I would do everything in my power to find a job where you can support yourself and move out. Yes, this may mean college gets put on hold. You could look for a company that offers tuition reimbursement and go to classes in the evening. I had to do that. It is not easy."
"It is not fair that you have to deal with this. It is fine to occasionally help your family out, but this is beyond that. Do not let them convince you otherwise. Do not believe them if they say it is only temporary and you can go back to college 'next year.'" - Freyjas_child
"NTA. Unfortunately, it sounds like your parents' plan for taking care of a baby in their late 40s was to have you do it. The 'womanly life lessons' line also makes it sound like they value your future motherhood more than they value your education."
"The only way to avoid parenting your brother any further is to move out ASAP; however, if your parents are financing your education to a significant degree, I would unfortunately prepare for them to cut that off in an effort to pressure you into staying."
"I would definitely reach out to resources at your school both for finding a place to stay and for figuring out a way to continue your education should the money run out." - Braneric84
"NTA, not your child, not your problem. They chose to have a baby late in life; it's not your fault they weren’t smart enough to think about how tired they'd be until after they had your brother." - TheArcticWolf19
"As much as possible, in ways that won't hurt your brother, do stuff wrong. Shirts on backwards, wrong clothes, skip the bath."
"Want it done right? Parent your own child."
"And womanly life lessons? F**k that s**t. The only lesson here is I've decided I won't have children and I'll move far, far away. NTA."
"Chap their hides by getting a night nanny position where you get paid for this." - desertboots
The OP later shared more information about her family dynamic.
"Hey everyone! Thank you so much for the advice y’all have given me; I appreciate it so much."
"To answer some questions, I pay rent, I pay for my own food, I paid for tuition myself, but I don’t have health insurance since my parents stopped paying it when I turned 18."
"I do have somewhat of a plan to escape and never look back, but please understand that a couple of things is holding me back."
"My brother is severely Autistic, my parents don’t understand Autism, and they think my brother has a sickness caused by the devil. I think if I left, they wouldn’t look after him properly the way they should."
"They also raised me in a household where women are servants to men and should only look pretty and be obedient. As much as I hate the thought of it all, sometimes I feel like it’s what I’m born to do and that’s how I should be, and I know it’s so very wrong."
"I don’t have a bank account; all money I have is physical, and I’ve never been taught how to have a bank account. I didn’t even know women could have bank accounts until 2023. I have my own car, which my father paid for, but I pay for gas, etc. I won’t have a car anymore the minute I get married since my father thinks only men should drive, and even me driving makes him uncomfortable."
"I do hope to get away soon. I have $8,000 in cash and money in a bank account I can’t access, which will be given to whomever I marry since my father believes that the man should have all the money and the woman can only request money if needed."
"They don’t know I have a job, and I always have to say it’s longer college days than they are to hide it. I know this is long but I hope this answers some of y’all’s questions."
She shared in a second comment:
"Side note: I have seven siblings all together, and all of them, besides from me and my youngest brother, only talk to them. I don’t know where three of my siblings have gone, and the rest of them only contact my father since they’re all male, and they believe talking to any woman is below them."
"I can’t contact any family, and the only friends I have are church friends, and all of their parents are friends with mine."
"People who also told me to ask around, thank you for the advice, but I have really bad anxiety when it comes to it. I know I’m in a really sticky situation, and I apologise for that. I never realised how messed up all of this was."
"I’m not sure how three of my siblings managed to get away, but I was too young to understand when they did leave, but it gives me hope knowing it’s been done before and hopefully one day I’ll be able to do the same too."
Fellow Redditors were even angrier on the OP's behalf because of this new information.
"Forget about the money in the account for when you marry; it doesn't exist. It's time to move out, now. You know it, and everyone here has told you the same. Move out. Live your life. This will never stop, and your parents have told you so." - SoulLessGinger992
"Definitely inform child services about your concerns with your parents. They can intervene, whilst you move out. But seriously, go to a bank nearby and just open an account and put your money in; just make sure you have proof of funds because most banks will want to do due diligence checks on the source of the $8k." - Apart_Foundation1702
"I don't know where you live, but this is disgusting. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this; I wish you were living in a place where you were regarded as an equal. You are absolutely not the a**hole."
"I am a mother to three sons, and I was raised kind of like you. Not as bad with the misogyny, but it was still there."
"And I was parentified and had to basically raise all of my younger siblings. I didn't have a life of my own. It is unfair, and if you can leave, do so as soon as you can and find a place where you are treated properly. I'm really sorry" - Pleasant-Highway-745
"You need to call CPS. Parentification is a form of abuse, and if they are doing it to you, they will do it to your other siblings once you escape. Whatever you have to do to get out, do it. Get roommates, make sure you have all your important documents like birth certificate, driver's license, equivalent of a Social Security card. Make sure your credit is locked so only you can get access to it."
"Your male siblings got away because they don’t have to care for a child. According to your family and church, that’s a woman’s job, but having a child is optional, not required." - Plastic-Ad-5171
"The reality here is that your parents are deliberately trying to sabotage your education. They will NEVER care that you are falling behind on your schoolwork, because they don't think you should be in school at all. They have already told you your role in life is to be poor, dependent, controlled, and obedient. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH THIS."
"I had my own bank account starting at age 18 in the year 2000, 26 years ago. Take your cash to a credit union or bank immediately. Set up direct deposit for your job's paychecks. I guarantee there is someone at your school who can help you with this."
"Financial literacy, independence, and competence are one of the greatest things you can give yourself. Even if you decide in the future to become a stay-at-home wife and mother, financial understanding will always be useful, whether it is a matter of household management, or recovery after your husband abandons you for a younger woman."
"Ignore the dowry. It is money your father is using to control you, and for all you know, it doesn't even really exist." - QueenMAb82
Finally, the OP shared an update.
"UPDATE! Hey everyone, before I update y’all, I'd just like to thank all of you for your kind words and advice. Even though I haven’t replied to everyone, I appreciate it all so much, and I promise I’ve read through all of your comments."
"I’ve spoken to my councillor as some of you suggested, and I’ve spoken to a couple of other people at college (thankfully the councillor did most of the talking for me), and I’m able to get student accommodation!"
"There are a couple of places still available or have become available, and I’m moving to my new place soon."
"As for what I’ve told my parents, I told them I’m going to student accommodation for practicality reasons, and at first, my mother begged me to stay, until it turned to threats, and it all got out of hand when my dad got involved, and a couple things got smashed, and there where a lot of hurtful things said and eventually, my neighbour called the cops."
"Everything has died down now, though. My dad is in a holding cell until otherwise, and my mama isn’t talking to me. I think the cops are going to be involved from now on, though, since when I was being questioned, out of being overly upset, I let everything spill. I think all of the stress got to me, and I finally let everything spill."
"The cops ended up taking me to my boyfriend’s house, so I had somewhere for the night to get away from it all."
"Yet, for good news, I get to move out in a couple of weeks! I’m happy being with my boyfriend; he’s cheered me up a lot, and we’re currently cuddling as I’m typing this."
"Even though a lot has happened, mainly bad, I can gladly say I feel a lot safer now. I’m even setting up my own bank account!"
" I made sure to pack a small bag for now (I’m staying over a couple of days and made sure to bring my money), so hopefully everything will be better soon."
"I’m still worried about my brother, though."
The subReddit could appreciate the OP wanting to look out for her younger brother, since she felt her parents didn't properly understand him, but her life was otherwise being jeopardized as a parent that she did not want to be, while she was supposed to be studying and creating a future for herself.
Hopefully with these new plans coming into fruition, she'd be able to create a life for herself where she'd be happy and healthy, and maybe she could still show support to her younger brother, but on her own terms.
