While many religious individuals and families have contemporized their beliefs and have done their best to be inclusive of others, there are still others are refuse to be anything but behind the times.
It feels much more judgmental than religious, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Hallelujah3099 was appalled when his conservative family discovered his future wife was pregnant and refused to attend his wedding because of it.
But when they immediately wanted to meet the baby when she was born, the Orginal Poster (OP) had other ideas.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to let my family meet my daughter after all of them dropped out of my wedding upon finding out my wife was pregnant?”
The OP was pleased when his family was accepting of his future wife.
“I come from a conservative Christian family. All my family members were/are involved in the church and have church-based jobs.”
“When they met my wife, they loved her and embraced her as their own. We dated for 2 years and discovered she was pregnant after we got engaged.”
“Invitations were already given at the time and we decided to still have the wedding on the date when my wife was 5 months in.”
The OP’s family did not take the news well at all.
“My family was furious when they found out my wife was pregnant.”
“They asked if we even still considered having a wedding.”
“I said why not, but they were very upset, especially mom and dad, who said they’ve always been known for their decency and good Christian values and weren’t willing to let this ‘stain’ their reputation (as in my wife and I getting married while pregnant).”
“They officially dropped out and refused to negotiate, saying it was done, and I have only myself to blame for this outcome and should move the wedding out of town.”
“I was hurt I tried to change their minds and checked with other members but to no avail.”
“My brother said he had no intention to look like a joke in front of his fellow church members and dropped out.”
“My aunt pretended to be sick and said she may not be able to make it, but she’s 100% healthy.”
“My cousin said he had a business trip and stopped his wife and kids from attending.”
“My uncle cussed me out, tore the invitation up, and kicked me out.”
The family’s decision hurt the OP’s wedding day.
“I felt terrible with no family members of my own to support me and share my joy at my wedding.”
“I even broke down crying after the ceremony.”
“I haven’t spoken to them for months and then got busy with my 4 weeks old daughter.”
The OP made a decision about his family in the future.
“My cousin reached out to hand me gifts and well wishes for the birth of my daughter sent from my family.”
“I returned everything.”
“He sat with me on behalf of the family, saying I shouldn’t have returned gifts that were from my family who want to see and hopefully be involved in my daughter’s life.”
“He said mom’s longing to meet her grandbaby and everyone else is wanting to visit soon to celebrate my daughter’s life.”
The OP argued against his cousin’s logic.
“I asked him this question. I said, ‘Wasn’t my daughter the reason why the entire lot of them abandoned my wedding?'”
“He just stared grudgingly as I went on about how they treated my daughter as something to be ashamed of and hide (my daughter at some point will ask about the wedding and I have no intentions of lying to her).”
“He replied, saying he guaranteed I got it all wrong and no matter what goes down between us, I can never deny that my daughter is their granddaughter/niece/etc., and they’re her family.”
“He asked that I arrange for them to visit, but I refused.”
“He kept pressing the idea but I shut him down.”
“My wife says I should let them come, but I still refused.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out the OP’s family broke the rule about not passing judgment on others.
“Not to mention judge not lest he be judged and how can you remove the speck from my eye when you have a plank in yours? Three times Jesus tells his followers to not be judgmental and yet some so-called Christians seem to think they are put upon the earth to stand in judgment over everyone else.”
“I’d go so far as to say that the OP is probably the only true Christian in their family. The rest don’t have Jesus in their heart.” – Kyle-Voltti
“The only reputation that matters is the one you build between you and your Creator, who knows exactly what is in your heart.”
“Your family did not have love in their heart when they shunned you.” – GreekAmericanDom
“They wanted the wedding to be held out of town, then they could back date the marriage date down the road. Claim they were secretly wed a year earlier. In other words, violate God’s commandments about lying just so they can protect the ‘Family’ reputation.” – PDK112
“This is what I’d be worried about. How they treated OP by shaming and ostracizing is very telling. They are the type who will shame their granddaughter if she gets pregnant out of wedlock, is friends with who they dream non-Christian, or heaven forbid she’s a lesbian.”
“They will push their thinking of dress and actions on her. I grew up in this kind of legalistic Christianity. I was always an embarrassment. It’s so against what Christianity is supposed to be.” – Party_Teacher6901
“NTA.”
“Let your family know that like a good Christian, you are willing to forgive, BUT…”
“They have sinned against you and God.”
“Jesus’s highest teaching after loving God is to love everyone as He loves us. Including sinners, non-believers, and enemies. Their actions toward you were not about love, but ego and pride. They were more worried about what others might think than simply loving you and your family.”
“Jesus also taught not to judge others. That is the whole point of “Let he who has no sin cast the first stone.” They certainly cast that stone.”
“Let them know that you feel that you have done your work to be good with God and have nothing to apologize to them for. Have they?”
“Until they come to you with a genuine apology that admits exactly how they wronged you and sinned against you and your wife, keep them away.” – GreekAmericanDom
Others agreed and said the family made a decision about the baby before she was even born.
“So, when they were against the wedding, did they want you to abort your unborn child, or would they have preferred you to abandon your pregnant girlfriend and let her bring up the baby as a single mother?”
“I’d ask them that. I’d ask them to explain EXACTLY how they wanted you to treat this child they’re now so desperate to see.” – threeforagirl
“If it were me, I’d tell them that the way they chose to behave was abhorrent and a terrible example to give your daughter, and you are going to raise her better than that so you want to keep their bad influence away from her.”
“And then just constantly reiterate that they chose to act that way, and their own actions are why they don’t get to have a relationship with you and your family.” – IAmNotAPersonSorry
“I’m not religious (wasn’t raised religious, my biggest exposure to Christianity has admittedly been the ‘Simpsons’), but like, I was under the impression that was always the right thing to do as well?”
“Like, ‘You had premarital sex? that’s a sin! But you need to do right by the poor woman (and a baby if she ended up pregnant too) so shotgun wedding it is.’ I don’t know what this family was thinking.” – Ferret_Brain
“His cousin said, ‘he guaranteed that he got it all wrong,’ as in he was trying to switch the blame. Have a nice long talk with your wife OP and make sure she’s on the same page. Your daughter deserves better than a fickle and selfish family like that and so do you. NTA.” – issuna87
“It’s interesting that a 5-month-old fetus is an object for shame, but a several-week-old baby is a cause for celebration and doting. Almost like they don’t view the fetus the same as they do a baby.”
“Pretty weird for what is, presumably, a staunchly ‘pro-life’ group who claims to believe ‘life begins at conception.'” – MildlyShadyPassenger
Some also thought a public apology for a public scorning was in order.
“You should make them publicly apologize to you and their church for going against these teachings and admitting they were more concerned with their image than being good Christians.” – BludOfTheFold
“The apology is the critical thing. Each one has to say that they are sorry, specify what they are apologizing for, describe how it hurt OP/wife/child, explain what they will do to make sure they don’t hurt OP again, and not give excuses on WHY they did it. Standard elements of a sincere apology.”
“Personally, I don’t believe that Conservative Christians are capable of doing this.” – Bullyoncube
“Have they sincerely apologized to you and your wife, for their actions? My take, if they were embarrassed by your daughter at 5 months gestational age, what’s changed?”
“Relative to the religion, wasn’t marriage the corrective action? Their behavior makes no sense, Christian-wise.” – murmalerm
The subReddit was completely disgusted on the OP’s behalf for how his family treated him, his wife, and their wedding day.
It’s important that he noted that his family now wanted to meet the child who was apparently the source of so much “trouble,” which likely would always be a double-standard in their family if they were to chose to reconcile or be low-contact with them.