When giving advice, most people try to lead with the best of intentions.
Good intentions can often lead to the most unexpected outcomes.
And with unexpected outcomes, there is almost always uncomfortable fallout.
Then the blame game starts.
It can sometimes make a person feel like gluing one’s lips shut for the future.
Case in point…
Redditor Minute-Layer-4412 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my son’s girlfriend to break up with him?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (F[emale] 41) son (M[ale] 20) has been in a relationship with his G[irl]F[riend], Lily (F 20), for about three years now.”
“I love my son and I hate to say this, but he’s not turned out to be a good person.”
“He has very little work ethic, has no desire to get a job or go to college, and spends most of his time gaming or partying.”
“Lily, on the other hand, is the polar opposite.”
“She’s very studious, has aspirations to be a doctor, is a very good swimmer, and is currently away at college.”
“When my son and Lily first got together in high school, they were an excellent match.”
“We loved having Lily over and my son definitely took more care of himself.”
“Since then, it’s rapidly deteriorated.”
“I know my son still loves Lily, but he never gives her the attention she deserves and with her clear potential, I just feel she deserves better.”
“When Lily came to visit a few days ago, she was visibly upset.”
“When my son went to the store, I asked her if she was okay, and she told me that she didn’t know what to do and wondered why my son had such little ambition and was so lazy.”
“I told her I didn’t see it changing anytime soon (as that’s my view given it’s been ongoing for almost two years).”
“When she asked what I would do in her situation, I told her to put herself first and what she wanted.”
“Lily thanked me and said she’d think about things.”
“Well, earlier today, my son came downstairs in a rage, telling me that Lily had broken up with him via text.”
“I asked him what she said and apparently the message referred to ‘discussions with your mom’ that had made her rethink the relationship.”
“My son was livid that I’d gotten involved and said I’d overstepped my boundaries.”
“I told him that I didn’t advise Lily to leave him, just said she had to make her own choices and decide what was best for her.”
“My son is now not talking to me, and my husband is annoyed, believing that having no Lily will make my son’s rut last even longer.”
“I also miss having Lily around.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA… you didn’t tell her to end the relationship; you told her to consider her needs.”
“Your son certainly wasn’t.”
“Tell your husband it isn’t up to Lily to get your son out of his rut, and maybe he needs to spend more time teaching him how to be a good man and not a mooch.”
“Let your son be angry; he will do one of two things stay angry or get off his butt and start pulling his own weight.”
“Too many young adults have little to no aspirations and are more concerned with living in the moment.” ~ many_hobbies_gal
“The husband should really back off of volunteering Lily to be his son’s emotional support animal.”
“Pretty dehumanizing to be reduced to the ‘cure’ for the son’s apathy, laziness, and selfishness.”
“She is her own person with her own wants and dreams, not the manic pixie dream girl who comes in to save a man from himself.” ~ foundinwonderland
“This. Thank you, OP, for helping to clarify to a promising young woman that her life is always gonna be worth more than fixing her partner.”
“So many people out there giving away their lives trying to fix or help someone who isn’t taking responsibility for their own growth.” ~ SkullsInSpace
“Mine was informed of the choice to be made after graduation of job and nominal rent (utilities included) and cover his own expenses, like gas, car insurance or go to school (cc/trade/whatever) and live at home expenses free with the obvious caveat that school would mean rent-free for the summer as well.”
“Or he could do a hybrid of school and work, which would also mean no rent but cover his own expenses.”
“He had no interest in school and got a job at McDs where he was excelling.”
“Then he got a job as a contractor where his dad works for even more money the next year.”
“He took on a loan payment to the Bank of Dad for a new rig.”
“On his own choice, he also started covering his own groceries.”
“He moved out within that year and has been growing as an adult by leaps and bounds ever since.”
“I’m incredibly proud of him on the daily.”
“He took on a second rig loan from the Bank of Dad to buy a better daily driver, as well as a personal loan for fixing up rig #1, but now 3 years later, he’s completely paid all of them off.”
“NTA OP. Your husband has failed to launch his son and is now blaming the women folk.”
“Rethink what’s best for YOU, ie, take your own advice that you gave to Lily, and good luck!” ~ Swiss_Miss_77
“But how can men become good people if women their own age don’t sacrifice themselves and their own happiness to show them a better waaaaaaay?”
“I’m sure Lily was a good influence on him.”
“Maybe Dad can man up and do some fathering.”
“Grown women expect and deserve more.”
“NTA. Your son learned that people have choices in life and that there are consequences for his behavior.”
“You did them both a favor.” ~ anacluephone
“Clearly, Dad had all his chips on Plan A.”
“They are going to have to start giving timelines and requirements.”
“Most kids are just afraid of living on their own, and they don’t know how to budget, pay bills, call a doctor, get an apartment, furnish it, get electricity, internet, etc. It’s overwhelming.”
“So they hide in their rooms and play video games and escape – they’ll deal with it tomorrow.”
“Mom and Dad could be dead tomorrow.”
“Gotta teach him that he needs to be independent while they are still alive so they are still around to guide and help when necessary.”
“And to teach him that failing is ok; it’s how we learn.”
“They need to teach him that he can succeed.”
“Throwing to the wolves just brings them back home because they got evicted, he has a pregnant girlfriend, a 4-year-old stepkid in tow, and a porn addiction still playing video games.” ~ gay_flatulent
“Hear me out, Lily maybe one of the reasons he’s in a rut.”
“Lily has a plan for her life and he doesn’t, that’s probably pretty depressing to be with a motivated partner when you have no clue about your future.”
“I also could see that person sabotaging their partner’s dreams.”
“Great move to move on.” ~ Cracker20
“Also, your son isn’t in ‘a rut’ – your son has a lifestyle that he wants: free room and board, his parents taking care of him, and an awesome girlfriend who will support him in the future.”
“This isn’t a rut. It’s a choice. NTA.” ~ booksycat
“A lot of the time, this sub, and Reddit in general, probably a microcosm of society on the whole or a counter-reaction to the same now that I think about it, gives the benefit of the doubt to women who may be suffering and assume the worst of a man in the same position.”
“OP’s son sounds stuck.”
“He clearly isn’t academic.”
“I could see a situation where he wanted to go to college with his smarter GF, getting rejected from there and backup schools, and falling into a dark place where it felt like his life and friends were all moving on, whereas he ‘failed’ and doesn’t know how to pivot.”
“It would explain the visceral reaction to his girlfriend that he’s been with since high school literally leaving him behind to move on with her life, and misplaced anger at his parents for it.
“I hope this breakup will be the motivation or catalyst for him to do something to change his circumstances.”
“Start working out, getting structured, improve his mindset, and pull himself out from where he is.”
“It wasn’t fair to expect Lily to be the thing that did that for him, but hopefully this event can be a driver.” ~ king_lloyd11
“NTA. As she also loves Lily she also needs it to look out for her.”
“Why ruin a girl’s life because of another person?” ~ SailSweet9929
“NTA. If your son still has health insurance benefits, require him to go to two appointments…”
“1- Medical doctor for a thorough checkup.”
“2- Mental health professional for evaluation and enough therapy sessions to understand where he is at.”
“‘Lazy’ can mean lots of things.”
“Also come up with a plan with your spouse to require your son to make progress.” ~ JustAGal_Love
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You gave Lily a simple and honest answer to her question.
Lily isn’t your son’s savior.
He’s going to have to figure life out himself.
Good luck to all of you, including Lily.