Allergies are not a joke.
People have to be so careful nowadays.
Cross-contamination can make eating a highly stressful situation on a daily basis.
All of this can lead to a lot of dramatic problems with food sharing.
Redditor AggravatingStart7703 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for throwing my pregnant S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]'s groceries away?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hello. Throwaway account."
"My brother and his wife Laura, who is 7 months pregnant, are staying with us for a week or so since he's interviewing for jobs in the city my family and I are in."
"My kids love having their aunt and uncle around and everything's been great."
"Yesterday, Laura went out and came back with groceries."
"I thanked her but told her that we don't expect them to do this, the kitchen is stocked, and that we're just enjoying having them."
"She said that she wanted to and that most were cravings she's been having."
"I started helping her unload the bags and noticed that a lot of snacks were with peanuts... cookies, crackers, Peanut Butter, even some sort of cake fusion."
"It all made me uneasy because she knows my oldest son, 8 M[ale], is extremely allergic."
"I don't keep anything of the kind in our home because we've had an incident when he was younger where we almost lost him."
"I didn't want to be rude but I told her that I'm not comfortable with having the stuff in the house."
"She told me that she would be careful, that she wouldn't eat it around him or his siblings and that she'd clean up after herself, that she was having intense cravings and needed them."
"Look, I've had 4 kids and kind of get where she's coming from, although I never HAD to have something, but every woman is different."
"I made sure my son knew not to touch any of it and to leave her alone when she's eating them."
"That was that."
"Today, I woke up early to make breakfast and opened the fridge only to be greeted by strawberries dipped in PB left out without a container to 'chill.'"
"The PB jar wasn't sealed properly next to them, and there were sandwiches on a plate because she 'likes the bread cold and soggy.'"
"I was pissed."
"I've read enough about airborne contamination to know that you can't really determine it but I wasn't risking it."
"I grabbed a bag and started throwing everything in it, our groceries, hers, I didn't care."
"I was going to take the bag, drive to a shelter, and let them know the situation."
"Laura woke up while I was on my rampage, came down, and asked all upset what I was doing."
"I was snippy with her and didn't try to hide it."
'We got into an argument with her defensively saying that I can't do this, that the baby needs it, and that it's cruel to put a pregnant woman through unsatisfied cravings."
"I told her bluntly that I don't give a single f**k if she can't keep to her word, then I won't either, and that she'll live without her craving, my son can't say the same with his allergy."
"She went back upstairs, packed her bag and came back down, grabbed the bag of food, and left in a huff."
"My brother was at his interview and called me half an hour later to ask me what happened."
"He was upset with his wife but also with me because nothing happened and at the end of the day, my son is fine."
"I told my husband when he came back from work, and he's completely on my side."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Nothing happened, and your son is fine because YOU made sure that would be the case."
"The only thing I can possibly think you might have done to be even more in the right was make sure your SIL knew about the severity of the allergy and that even skin contact with residue that isn't visible could be enough to set him off."
"But that really isn't necessary with anyone who is remotely reasonable because everyone under 40 has been taught that sort of thing about peanut allergies."
"You were already being exceedingly reasonable and taking risks just allowing that stuff in the house."
"You'd have been well within your rights to say that you just couldn't risk peanuts in the house at all - let her eat it outside away from the house if she needs it that bad, as long as she thoroughly cleans down before coming back to your house."
"Leaving it out in the open in the fridge like that, where it could bump into other things and leave smudges on them, was entirely unreasonable in the house of someone with any degree of contact allergy, much less a deathly severe one." ~ KaliTheBlaze
"Agree NTA."
"Honestly, I hate 'but baby wants/baby needs' in situations where the person (the pregnant lady) is the AH."
"No, your unborn baby does not NEED strawberries dipped in peanut butter."
"Or cold soggy peanut butter sandwiches."
"It's something you want."
"Baby is perfectly fine with whatever you eat as long as you get the nutrition, etc, you and baby need."
"And it's not cruel to say 'You can't eat that in my house' just because you crave it."
"There are no human rights people that come running because a pregnant woman has to be without her craving for a few days."
"But it will be an issue to contaminate food and possibly hurt a child."
"The same can't be said about a kid who's allergic."
"They NEED their home to be a safe space."
"And not risk their life when grabbing food."
"People really need to tone down the 'me-me-me-me.'" ~ Dangerous-WinterElf
"Absolutely this, pregnancy/ the baby is no excuse."
"I'm craving all sorts of things at the moment that I can't eat because of gestational diabetes, and guess what?"
"My baby is absolutely fine without them."
"SIL is a mega AH and needs to get a grip." ~ nachoteacup
"Exactly. I'm currently craving soft cheeses, but am staying away from them as it's not recommended to eat during pregnancy, and both the baby and me are still doing fine without it (especially the baby as he's the one who could be harmed by bacteria in the cheese)."
"We will eat something else, and it's not the end of the world." ~ CollectionOk7828
"NTA - as you said, you're SIL can live without satisfying her cravings."
"Your son can potentially DIE!"
"Personally, I wouldn't have compromised from the beginning."
"No peanuts in the house. Period."
"But I can understand that you trusted your SIL."
"She broke this trust, now she and your brother can go live in a hotel/Motel/whatever and eat All the peanuts she wants."
"Just because nothing happened so far, doesn't mean that she gets to risk your son's life until something happens." ~ MyC1rcusMyM0nkeys
"Agreed. I am pregnant myself at the moment and have been before as well and I get cravings (have had them)."
"But I would never compromise someone else's health for my pleasure (which a craving still is)."
"Cravings go away."
"You don't always have to give in."
"I sometimes crave things that are a risk for my baby's health (carpaccio, salmon sushi)."
"So I don't eat them. I can go without but I would never forgive myself if someone else's health is at risk."
"Not only the unborn child, same goes for people who already walk around on this earth." ~ Pollythepony1993
"She was only there for a week!!"
"This is so wild I cannot imagine what she was thinking."
"If she's up for going to a grocery store she can go buy herself a peanut butter donut or whatever when she has a craving and eat it outside of the house."
"This person is acting bonkers. NTA obvi." ~ catfriend18
"NTA. She's a guest, she can adapt to you… it's not like you threw away medication she needs to live, it was cravings, cravings aren't a need."
"Her baby does not need peanuts."
"If she wants to eat anything with peanuts, she can leave the house, take the car or whatever, go somewhere to eat it, brush her teeth, and come back."
"It's fine for her to get a few groceries for herself, but obviously only stuff that is safe for your family."
"Your brother is pretty stupid, your son was fine because you threw everything out… if you didn't he could've died." ~ Novae224
"Hi! Mom of two, currently 8 months pregnant with my third here. :-) "
"Your SIL puts your son's health and his life at risk."
"Not only that, she did it in his own home."
"She can't take an Uber to a diner, cafe, or 7/11 for 30 minutes to satisfy a craving?"
"Being pregnant does not give you license to stomp all over other people's wellbeing."
"And claiming that her 'baby needs' peanut butter?"
"GTFO LMAO. Nope."
"Her baby just needs her to make healthy decisions and go to all her ob-gyno appointments."
"I can't imagine the entitlement."
"She sounds too selfish and immature to be a decent mother, frankly."
"You did nothing wrong (except perhaps giving in to her request in the first place), and your reaction to discovering peanut butter left out and open was absolutely valid."
"NTA. Your SIL owes you and your son an enormous apology." ~ Helloreddit0703
"First of all, good luck with the upcoming birth of your third child!"
"Secondly, I couldn't agree more!!"
"I was pregnant and woke up with a craving for mozzarella with olive oil in the middle of the night."
"I know what it's like to crave something."
"Did we have mozzarella in the house? Nope."
"Did I make my sleeping partner go out and buy some? HELL NO!"
"Me wanting a snack was not more important than him getting some rest."
"I waited until the next day and we went out and bought some then."
"Being pregnant isn't a green light to behave like a selfish, entitled prick, and a craving isn't a life or death matter (unlike a peanut allergy). NTA." ~ goingotherwhere
"You were... nicer than I would've been. NTA."
"Is she an adult with a brain who chose to reproduce and can follow simple instructions or has she no control of her faculties and would poison a child in a home she's a guest for a week?"
"Which one is it?"
"Because you absolutely cannot shouldn't be both." ~ Subjective_Box
"NTA 'My baby NEEDS it' OMG, that had me laughing so hard!"
"I've had 4 kids and intense cravings."
"No baby in the womb NEEDS junk food. Or even cares."
"She's spoiled and using pregnancy to get her way."
"As a daughter with severe allergies myself, stand your ground." ~ OutrageousMistake515
"NTA. If she absolutely needed that food, they should have made plans to stay elsewhere."
"Your son's safety is more important than her cravings." ~ CarCrashRhetoric
You were doing what you had to OP.
Reddit is with you on this one.
Your son's life could be at risk.
Nobody dies from cravings.
Good for you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp