There are occasions where everyone is expected to pitch in.
These include shared food, shared accommodation, basically anything that is shared equally.
In some cases, it isn't exactly equitable for everyone to contribute exactly the same amount.
Most of the time though, the people that point this out are seldom celebrated.
A colleague of Redditor Business-Media-2483 wanted to celebrate another co-worker, and asked everyone in the office to contribute.
A request the original poster (OP) flatly denied.
Much to the surprise, even resentment, of much of his office.
Having doubts about his decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to chip in for a coworker's birthday gift when I barely know them?"
The OP explained why he wasn't interested in "chipping in" for a colleague:
"I'm 30 M[ale] and i work in a mid-sized office, about 30-ish people total."
"Last week, a Susan 48 F[female] went around the office saying we were all chipping in for a birthday gift for a coworker (Jenna 38F or 37F, not sure )."
"Anyways, she works in a different department than me, and while I recognize her face, we've maybe exchanged a few hellos in the hallway."
"We don't work together and have never talked outside of that."
"Susan (the organizer) suggested everyone pitch in $20 for a gift card and a cake."
"I didn't respond at first."
"Later that day, Susan stopped by my desk and asked if I was in."
"I said I was going to pass, since I don't really know Jenna and don't usually participate in office gift collections unless it's someone I work closely with."
"She looked surprised and said, 'It's just $20'."
"I told her I get that, but it feels weird to me to pay for gifts for people I don't have a relationship with."
"She kind of brushed it off and said okay, but after that, things felt awkward."
"Since then, a couple of coworkers have been noticeably colder toward me, one even joked that I'm 'that guy' (meaning who doesn't put $20 in)."
"Anyways, I'm starting to wonder if I broke some unspoken office rule and came off as cheap or antisocial."
"I don't mind celebrating people I actually work with, but I also don't think gift giving should be mandatory, especially for someone I barely know."
"AITA for saying no?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to chip in for their colleague's birthday.
Everyone agreed that not only were the OP's reasons for not contributing valid, but $20 seemed a lot for everyone to chip in for a birthday present, especially considering the size of the OP's office:
"30ish x $20 would be $600."
"That would be quite the gift card and cake."
"Susan must be quite the party planner and quite the office gossip."
"Feel free to be that guy -- the one who can do simple math and doesn't contribute toward office celebrations for people in other departments whom he doesn't actually know."
"The one who isn't intimidated by Susan, who never ever should have told anyone else whether or not you contributed."
"But don't eat any of that gold-plated cake."
"NTA."- Nester1953
"NTA."
"$20 is nuts."
"That's $600 with 30 people, WTF are they planning on buying?"
"My office would just pass around an envelope with a card in it."
"We'd sign it, drop a couple of quid in it, and it would would buy some flowers and a box of chocolates."- hallerz87
"NTA."
"It's just $20 until you multiply it times all the people in the office you will be asked to chip in for."
"That adds up really quickly."- Motor-Winter5581
"NTA."
"30 * 20 = $600 a year that is a chunk of change most people wouldn't be fine paying out for coworkers NOT FRIENDS."- Interesting_You_2315
"NTA."
"This is such a waste of everyone's time."
"If everyone puts in $20 for everyone's birthday, then everyone would pay $600 and get a $500 gift card and a $100 cake to share on their birthday."
"But you've worked there 9 months, so it doesn't seem like everyone is getting this treatment."
"Why does Susan get to decide who gets $500 or $600 dollars on their birthday?"- 1962Michael
"NTA I hate those."
"It is not fair, nor is it reasonable."
"30 people and $20 is a lot of money, not to mention that makes for 2-3 birthdays a month, which is ridiculous. Are you supposed to pitch in for each one, and what happens if someone is missed?"
"I worked in an office that provided monthly lunches and cupcakes for the birthdays that month, no cost to employees just a quick monthly celebration."- Zero_Patience1771
"NTA."
"$20x30=$600."
"Sounds like Susan is saving a lot of that money for herself."
"Ask them what about Jenna makes her worth a $600 gift."- Separate-Parfait6426
"NTA, '$20 for a gift card and cake' in that office comes out to $600 per birthday, a cake would be around $50 to $100 (depending on size), which leaves a $500 gift card."
"Someone in that office is making out like a bandit, and I doubt it's the birthday girl/boy."- schec1
"NTA."
"So you're that guy, that guy who won't be guilt-tripped into chipping in."
"$20 for every colleague seems like a lot."
"Let them think what they want."- RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"$20 a person at around 30 people is wild."
"That comes out to $600."
"What type of gift card and cake is this lady being given that $600 is needed?"
"I would question if Susan is pocketing some of that cash for her 'hard work' of organizing all of this."
"If everyone is contributing, then $5 a person should be more than enough for a simple gift card and a cake because that's still $150."
"I would seriously question what is happening with that cash if I were you and maybe even directly ask anyone who brings up you not paying why they think $600 is necessary for cake and a gift card."- Scared_Fox_1813
"NTA."
"Twenty quid for someone you don't know well is not that reasonable."
"Also, as others have pointed out, she'd be collecting hundreds for her birthday."
"I didn't even ask for much on my birthday, as a kid."
"Your coworkers are jerks, tryna ring out some cash from you."- VictoryExtension4983
"NTA."
"It seems Susan has taken it upon herself to buy gifts worth hundreds of dollars (a Dyson hairdryer, really?) for people's birthdays."
"That isn't typical or expected at most workplaces."- softballpants
"NTA."
"Over the course of a year, that's ~$600 you would be paying for co-worker's gifts."
"I guess they could say, well, you would benefit from the situation on your birthday, but not necessarily."
"The cake is for the whole office, not everyone even likes cake (gasp!), and who knows what kind of 'gift' would be chosen."
"Susan might be getting cakes from a boutique bakery or from a grocery store bakery."-sickofbeingsick1969
"$600 in gifts."
"That's before the expected purchases of Girl Scout cookies, Boy Scout popcorn, band kids candy bars, Pampered Chef parties, etc."
"That's nuts. (I'm sure some group is selling those too.)"
"If a collection is to be made and agree to, why not use that money to help fellow employees by 'purchasing sick/pto' days for someone with a chronic illness, sick kid that needs more days than what they have accrued."
"Or put in a fund to help for incredibly expensive, life-saving medication."
"So maybe I have had my own issues with these things for a number of years."
"I just hate when peer pressure tactics are used."
"NTA."- Sewasmiles
"NTA."
"Honestly, if they are acting out in any way, meaning even treating you differently, contact HR about it."- Lunar-Eclipse0204
"NTA."
"'It's just $20'."
"BS."
"Even if you knew Jenna well, it's still not an obligation to pitch in for someone's birthday at work."
"In this economy, $20 is the price of someone's home-cooked meal."
"Susan needs to accept no as an answer and move on."- the_greek_italian
"Yuck."
"NTA."
"I have never worked anywhere where we were expected to chip in for gifts."
"The company should take care of that, if at all."
"One company I worked at had a cake at the end of the monthly company meeting and sang happy birthday to everyone with a birthday that month."
"Voila."
"They also had 'baby showers' for expecting parents (cake, onesie with company logo, gift card for Target or something—paid for by the company of course)."
"It's a much smaller cost for the company to do it and it avoids awkward situations like the one you're in."- Master_Farm_445
"NTA."
"I think it's kind of silly to celebrate birthdays like this at an office."
"Everyone has one, so over the course of the year are they really doing this for everyone?"
"If so it just ends up being a circular pass the money around sort of thing."
"If not, people get left out."
"At my work the department I work with does a totally voluntary birthday cake rotation."
"Mine was the most recent birthday, and since I chose to participate in this somebody brought me a cake."
"I am responsible for getting a cake for the next person, and so on."
"There are no other gifts or responsibilities besides the cake and it's totally voluntary."- Imthatsick
If the OP were asked to contribute $5 or less, it would be much more difficult to sympathize with him.
However, $20 for a colleague he barely knows seems a stretch.
For that matter, if everyone in this office contributes $20, Jenna better be getting one spectacular cake and present.
And Susan better have a receipt...
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.