When we think of families, we like to imagine fun trips, laughing over dinner, making memories in the kitchen, and more.
But some families simply aren't meant to have that kind of quality time, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Unable_Influence3547 had a decent relationship with her teenage stepkids, but they had shown no interest in getting involved in her family traditions.
When her in-laws challenged her and said she wasn't trying hard enough to involve them, the Original Poster (OP) wondered what else she could do.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my in-laws I won't exclude my child from traditions just because my stepkids don't want to take part?"
The OP had a decent but not perfect relationship with her stepkids.
"I (42 Female) am a stepmom of two kids, Emma (16 Female) and Luke (15 Male), and I am a biological mom to my son Dex (6 Male) with my husband."
"I have been in a relationship with my husband for 11 years and we have been married for nine years. I met him two years after his divorce."
"My stepkids are in our house every other week and with their mom every other week. The relationship with my stepkids is okay. Not perfect but not totally awful."
"They have always kept some walls up between me and them and my family and them. Polite and they'll talk friendly enough. But they don't want to be a part of family things with us either."
The OP was a little disappointed that they showed no interest in her family traditions.
"My mom has this cookbook that has been used by four generations of the family now. My grandma started it with her and her kids, and then my mom got it and shared it with me and my siblings, and now she shares it with her grandkids."
"Emma and Luke were offered to take part multiple times, and they have always said they weren't interested."
"My mom was a little upset but understood that they might not be totally okay with that idea, and she has left it open for them to change their minds."
"The first time we offered this to them was about a year into the marriage. So they would have been about seven and eight at the time. At that point, they had known me for about two years (my husband and I were together close to a year before I was introduced to the kids)."
The OP's in-laws only got involved when the OP's son showed an interest in her traditions.
"Last year, Dex took part in the tradition for the first time with my mom and I. My stepkids did not want to join us so we didn't force it."
"Dex regularly now cooks recipes from it with my mom (and sometimes me too). He loves it. He wants to add another recipe when he's older, something we've all done."
"The topic came up while my in-laws were around and Dex was telling them all about it. He mentioned how much he loves being part of it and he loves cooking and baking."
"My in-laws asked if Emma and Luke had ever been a part of it, and we said no, they hadn't wanted to be."
"They asked why not, and we said they didn't seem the most comfortable with fully integrating like that as to be part of something that is a family tradition on my side, but it will always be open for them to change their mind."
"They said we should have waited for them to include Dex and how my family, and I have shown we don't care if they're involved or not."
"I told them they might never change their minds."
"They said I have made it so they won't now. They know my bio kid is more wanted by my family."
"I said that's unfair. They have been offered the chance many times and Dex shouldn't have to miss out because his siblings say no."
"I believe they are old enough to know what they do and don't want. Even when they were younger and offered, it's one of those things where you can't force it and expect a good outcome. Which is why we didn't and left the offer open."
The OP's in-laws continued to challenge her role as a mom.
"They said that's my role as a mom of three instead of a mom of one."
"I told them I would not make my son miss out just because my stepkids said no."
"They said that's why I'm wrong and why I am proving to be a poor parent to the non-bio kids that I have."
"My husband told them to leave and said they were wrong."
"But they insisted it was me who was wrong here, even though they've never asked their grandkids what they thought about it or if they even wanted to be involved."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt the OP was walking the delicate line between inviting her stepkids and not pressuring them and was walking it well.
"NTA."
"Absolutely not. In fact, you're being a good parent to all of them being flexible to their wants. If stepkids didn't want to, that's fine as you didn't push them so. In fact, your family left the door open for them in case they do change their minds."
"And Dex should not be told to wait. Have him shine on this awesome hobby of baking. The in-laws went way out of bounds for these suggestions." - KyotoDreamsTea
"NTA. You tried your best to get them involved and you listened to their wants when they declined. Maybe try to start some new family traditions that they are more interested in. Oh wait, you already tried that. Your in-laws are not listening." - PrettyLittleAccident
"NTA. Cheese and Crackers, these 'kids' are sixteen and fifteen, legal adults in Sweden. (For many things, not all.) They are not six or seven-year-olds who are actually children and should have extra consideration for things."
"They are grown enough to know what they want and don't want. They said no, so it is a no! Dex is an actual little kid, he deserves to do things he wants to do despite what his step-siblings are doing or not doing." - Smiles-Bite
"NTA. You would be otherwise if you only offered this when you started sharing the kitchen with Dex, but they have been declining your offer literally for YEARS." - ratherbereading2
"I can't imagine a childhood where I had to do everything my sibling did and nothing else. He and I are not alike. We like different things. And we aren't even a mixed family. NTA, OP." - CannabisAttorney
Others agreed and felt the in-laws needed to check themselves.
"Did the grandparents even bother to ask their teenage grandchildren how they felt about this? Or are they just assuming that the half-sibs were purposely excluded by your family?"
"NTA. You're doing it right in a tough environment. Keep it up. I can only hope that someday in the future your stepkids become more open to a closer relationship with you." - BunnySlayer64
"See, this is kind of all you need to know: the in-laws didn't even attempt to talk to their grandkids about this; they're just pressing the OP. They're picking a fight to pick a fight, not because they're very invested in the actual stakes."
"Or maybe they have different stakes (jealous of your mom's time with Dex? I don't know, just speculating). We don't know about it. Either way, NTA."
"Dex is his own person, not a teaching tool to his siblings. He gets to have his own life and interests, just as they do. Respecting your kid's boundaries is a good thing, and including kids when they want to be included is a good thing. If you put your life and Dex's life on hold until his siblings want to be involved, the whole family will just learn to resent each other." - dryadduinath
"I know this activity isn't charged with family so it's different, but I think of this as offering to sign the older kids up for baseball or softball every year since they were younger and the kids saying 'no.' Then their much younger brother decides to play. The older kids could approach their parents at any time to start playing."
"And in response, the bio grands of the older two throw a hissy fit and insist, 'The older kids should have played before the younger sib! It's not fair!'"
"You: 'But we offered it to them every year and they said no.'"
"Bio grands: 'You still should have waited and it's still not fair!'"
"You: 'They can start any time.'"
"Bio grands: stomps feet! 'Not fair!'"
"That's what this feels like to me. NTA." - UCgirl
"Ding ding ding! I have a formative memory of my dad's mom yelling at my mom when I was six years old."
"I'd had very long hair down to my waist and asked to get it cut off to my shoulders because a girl in my class got a haircut and I thought it looked cool. So my mom took me to the local beauty school and I got a cute little haircut and bangs and I was thrilled."
"We all met up for Easter a few days later and my grandma goes, 'How could you do this to her?!' and my mom was like, 'My six-year-old asked for a haircut, so I took her to get a haircut. What is there to be worked up about?'"
"And her problem, of course, had everything to do with her own jealousy of my waist-length, pin-straight hair, and nothing to do with her concern over my mental well-being or what I wanted, because it was something different than what SHE wanted."
"The OP's in-laws have the exact same problem and are sending the exact same message to Dex as my grandma sent to me." - GlumBodybuilder214
"OP, you're doing nothing wrong. I'm the odd one in my family who isn't interested in the same things as everyone else, and I feel more loved when my family lets me opt out of things I don't want to do because it shows they're listening to me, and value my preferences."
"I'd feel terrible if I was forced to choose between making myself miserable doing something I don't want to do, or making someone else in my family miserable by making them miss out on something they'd enjoy."
"What the grandparents are suggesting here is a horrible position to put someone in." - pocketfullofdragons
The subReddit couldn't help but side-eye the OP's in-laws and what their priorities appeared to be, which was the appearance of a unified family, rather than a family with diverse interests.
While the in-laws may have wanted to see everyone laughing in the kitchen, it seemed the OP was doing the right thing by inviting her stepkids to get involved and then respecting their wishes when they said no.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp