Friends come in for a reason, for a season, or for the rest of our lives, and it’s rare for a friend to transition from one type of a friend to another.
When they’re only in our lives for a reason, like working together or temporarily living together, it’s as easy for them to leave our lives again as it was for them to walk into it, agreed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
So when Redditor Emotional_Wreck448 received a knock at her door from a police officer, she complied with his questions, not just because she was on probation herself but because she wasn’t close to the woman he was asking about.
But when she later contacted her and berated the Original Poster (OP) for not covering for her, she questioned what her ex-roommate really expected her to do differently.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for calling my ex-roommate when the cops came looking for her?”
The OP had roomed with a woman while they both needed a place to stay.
“I (28 Female) had a roommate from September to October, just someone needing a stepping stone until they got a place of their own. We found out we were both on probation, but nothing really came of it. We both met with our parole officers (P.O.s), kept court appointments, and it was all fine and dandy.”
“She moved out after getting a place, and today a cop came to the door. I went through the safety measures of asking him to identify himself and show a badge, all the ‘safety’ measures people tell you to go through when you’re a female living home alone.”
“I stepped outside and asked him basically, What’s up?'”
“He asked if my ex-roommate was home. I explained she moved out and he asked if the address he had was her new address and I confirmed the new address, and he asked if ‘555-555-5555’ was her number, and I said yeah.”
“He asked me to call her, as she hadn’t been answering their calls, and I said sure, not thinking much of it. I called her, and as soon as she heard his voice, as he did the ‘Gimme’ motion for my phone (I did not hand him my phone, just put it on speaker), because I didn’t want him to see that as an invitation to go through my phone, though I have nothing to hide on there.”
The ex-roommate accused the OP of not being more loyal to her.
“She hung up and then texted me, saying, ‘How dare I betray her and not just lie to the cops that I had no clue where she was and I should have said she was out of state or lied and said she was there but in the shower or literally anything to avoid her talking to them.'”
“I told her that I wasn’t going to lie to the cops, and saying she was in the shower would just make him either 1) sit outside until she came out, or 2) since she’s on probation same as me he could potentially come in for a wellness check on her if she’s not out of the shower after a period of time.”
“And telling them she’s out of state when you need P.O permission to leave the state is also a horrible idea because then a warrant for her arrest would be put out and if they find and arrest her, I could get in trouble for lying to them.”
“She snapped back with, ‘Did they threaten to throw you in jail if you didn’t call me? You’re a lying a**hole. I don’t wanna talk to you anymore, and anything I have there, I’ll figure out how to get out of there because I can’t trust you anymore.’ (All she left here was a diamond art painting and a library book.)”
The OP was somewhat torn over how she’d handled the situation.
“My friend says I did the right thing because even if she were not on probation, she would have done the same thing and called her, saying the cops were looking for her. My friend’s wife says I could have just not answered the door or just declined to say I knew her or her phone number.”
“But I mean, he could see me from the living room window, cooking in the kitchen (it’s a ground-floor open-plan apartment, and the living room is a direct line of sight to the kitchen from the window, so I could see my fridge and stove from outside when I walk to my door, same as the cop could see.)”
“I feel like I did the right thing, but I ain’t too sure. Just figured I’d get outside opinions because now her friends are texting me saying I really p**sed her off, and friends don’t rat friends out to the cops.”
The OP updated the post to share what happened when the police went to her ex-roommate’s new place.
“Also, they did go to her apartment yesterday looking for her, and she didn’t answer the door. She told me she wasn’t going to answer the door for the cops because she didn’t want them to kill her.”
“When I told her about tonight, that it was legit just a pack of papers in his hand, she said, ‘Well, they won’t meet me in public, and I ain’t letting them talk to me at my place. I’ll leave the state if I gotta.'”
“I told her that was a horrible idea because then she’d get a warrant, and I’d probably get in trouble even more because I knew of her intent to flee the state, but she read my message, said ‘blocked,’ and now I can’t message or call her again so I don’t know what to do if they come back looking for her.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was to stay out of trouble as much as possible.
“Yeah, someone you meet in passing is not worth going back to jail for. Friends don’t put you in that situation in the first place.”
“I had a friend who asked me to steal meds from the hospital I was working at.”
“Honestly, I was really annoyed because it was something he could get legally. Easily. It would have been a phone call and a run to the pharmacy. At worst, Urgent Care, where they would have given him the script without question.”
“Probably wouldn’t even have needed to take him into an exam room, followed by a trip to the pharmacy. He was asking me to get fired and risk my license to save himself an hour or running around.”
“Sometimes you gotta access what you’re willing to risk, and you weren’t willing to risk your freedom.” – Otherwise-Text-5772
“NTA, and it’s not even close. You don’t lie to cops when you’re on probation. She was asking you to risk your own freedom because she couldn’t face the consequences of her own actions. You did the only smart thing.” – keith_hudson
“First of all, if you want someone to lie for you, you give them a heads up, don’t just expect them to know what you want them to do.”
“But lying to the cops is usually a bad decision, doubly so when on probation. Don’t ask someone to risk their freedom and then treat them like dirt when you failed to communicate an expectation.” – SporadicTendancies
“NTA. A similar thing happened to me. Not on probation or anything, but a friend called me late at night, saying her mom wanted to talk to me. I didn’t even think anything of it because her mom was cool.”
“Her mom asked if I came to see my friend that night, and I said no, and her mom just said okay and hung up. It wasn’t till after I realized the girl probably got caught coming home late, and she said she was with me, but didn’t give me a heads up.”
“I tried to check in with her and even apologized if she got in trouble. She unfollowed me everywhere and stopped talking to me.”
“Years later, she sent a TikTok talking about when it’s time to have a conversation with a friend about who was wrong in the situation. Haha, byeeee!! She wanted to link up, and I was catching flights.”
“OP, you’re NTA. Your safety comes first, especially since you weren’t given a heads up.” – Hungry_Pin_8012
“If I were on probation/parole, I would want my friend to contact me, because violating parole is dumb as h**l, risking reinstatement of suspended sentences, getting thrown back in jail, or new charges. No way. Just let me do my time, and then I’ll worry about ghosting.”
“With OP also on parole, only a really s**tty person would ask you to risk your own freedom to, what? Save them a minor inconvenience?”
“In no way is OP the AH, and you need to block your former roommate AND all her dumba** friends.” – ChickenBossChiefsFans
Others pointed out that the OP hadn’t been connected with her ex-roommate long enough to take such risks for her.
“NTA. She was a roommate for one month. She didn’t ask you not to tell the truth, so why would it have occurred to you to lie, and it’s crazy of her to suggest that you jeopardize your standing for her.”
“You did what was best for you and in line with the law. You don’t owe her a risky lie, especially when you had no clue that she didn’t want the cops to know her whereabouts. Screw her friends, who could very well be enabling her to make choices that are going to land her right back in prison.” – Live_Pressure_5432
“Because everyone should just assume people are natural liars and expect to have to lie for someone else? Nope! Wrong bakery! Want your cake and eat it too? Go cook in in your down kitchen!” – Severe-Rabbit-9476
“Both of y’all are on probation, meaning any minor f**k-up could mean jail time. Your ex-roommate is setting herself up for that and is trying to drag you in to cover for her.”
“Cut your losses. You did what someone in your situation should do. Sometimes covering your own a** is important, especially in these situations where legality is very important.” – sztamfater
“This makes zero sense. You gave them an address and phone number; they should have said thank you and left or called another cop to go to the address you gave, so you couldn’t call and warn her they were on the way. Unless they were trying to trick her into picking up.”
“Why would you even consider lying to a cop, probation officer, or any LE about anything, whether you are on probation or not?”
“I’m not sure why you think they will come back to your place looking for her when she has moved. If they do, tell them the truth, you haven’t seen her an last time you texted, she blocked you so you have been unable to check on her, though I’m not sure why you would want to the way she treated you, asking you to get in trouble and lie to LE, you get found out doing that when on probation it is not going to go well for you.”
“NTA. Best to keep yourself away from her.” – RosieDayz456
The subReddit was surprised by the corner that the OP had been put in, not to mention what the OP’s ex-roommate expected her to do when she found herself there.
If they had been long-term friends, the OP might have behaved somewhat differently, but when it came to the police, probation, and a situationship at best, that was hardly a combination that called for lying.