Money doesn't grow on trees.
That is a hard lesson for the youth to learn.
Responsible financial practices can be difficult to follow.
But they are often necessary.
Debt can creep up very quickly.
That's the hardest lesson of all.
Redditor Broad_Programmer_203 wanted to discuss their experience and get feedback, so they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to bail out my only son from $15,000 debt?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My only son, who is 20, has racked up about $15,000 in credit card debt."
"He has a decent job, but he spends way more than he earns—stuff like designer clothes, eating out all the time, and weekend getaways."
"Now he's struggling to even make the minimum payments and has come to me asking for a loan to wipe out the debt."
"For context, I've bailed him out before with smaller money problems."
"I've covered his rent when he couldn't pay, or I've handled unexpected car repairs for him."
"Every time, he swears it'll be the last time and that he'll get his act together with budgeting, but that never happens."
"I love my son to death and want him to do well, but I'm scared that if I keep rescuing him, he'll never learn to handle his finances. "
"Also, I'm not rich—giving him $15,000 would mean pulling from my retirement savings, which I've been building for years to secure my own future."
"I'm stuck."
"I hate the idea of him facing big consequences like wrecked credit or even bankruptcy, which could haunt him for a long time."
"But I also don't want him to keep overspending and relying on me to clean up the mess."
"I've tried talking to him about budgeting and planning, but he either ignores me or makes excuses."
"Maybe I should've been tougher before, and that's why we're back here again."
"There's also this family thing—my parents always said you help your kids no matter what, and they bailed me out when I was younger."
"It makes me feel like I should step up for him too, but I'm starting to think that might just enable him more."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, tell me: Would I be the a**hole if I said no to giving him the money this time and let him face the fallout of his choices?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Absolutely do not extract your retirement savings for this."
"Instead, sit with him, and ask him to sit down with you to figure out the problem."
"He can download 12 months of bank records and credit card charges."
"The truth is that, in addition to living beyond his means, he is likely paying 30% interest on his cards, but doesn't really understand how much that is per year, especially as it is compounding monthly." ~ sanityjanity
"He needs to go to the bank and consolidate his debt into a personal loan."
"Make him pay it off, with bank interest (but lower than credit card interest would be), so he actually starts to learn to live within his means."
"If people keep bailing him out he'll refuse to change; he has no respect for the people he takes money from." ~ Permit-Extreme-117
"This is the way to go."
"He should also sell his designer clothes, stop eating out, and stop the weekend getaways."
"Calling OP an AH for not bailing him out is a bit rich for someone who refuses to live within his means and accept any responsibility."
"OP was bailed out by their parents, but was it several times as their son expects?"
"Sometimes the best love you can show is tough love."
"The son cannot learn any younger that there's a big difference between wanting and actually needing."
"He doesn't NEED designer clothes, takeaways, and weekends away." ~ Wooden_Opportunity65
"Agree! Don't loan him a cent."
"Actions have consequences."
"He is no longer a child."
"You have helped him before."
"It didn't stick."
"It won't this time either."
"He needs to grow up."
"If he doesn't grow up, it will only get worse."
"Dig your heels in and let him fail or succeed." ~ Ncbsped
"NTA, this is true."
"You are helping your child by giving him the means not to do this again."
"You are NOT helping him by bailing him out repeatedly."
"Your parents hopefully meant that help can come in more forms than just money." ~ raelilphil
"DO NOT CO-SIGN on a loan with him!!!"
"As far as 'family helps family' you are helping him!"
"My brother is about to declare bankruptcy for the third time! "
"No one taught him how to manage money."
"After a while he just wanted handouts, usually lying about 'emergencies' and just refuses to learn about budgeting."
"He hasn't worked in three years."
"His disabled wife is trying to pay the bills."
"Don't let this happen to your son!" ~ Educational-Piano531
"NTA. But has he ever paid you back in the past?"
"He is acting incredibly spoiled and immature by ignoring you or refusing to take responsibility for his massive overspending."
"He doesn't get to do that and still expects handouts from you."
"Tell him that the only way he is going to get even a single dollar more of support is to go through a forensic and adult exploration of his annual finances and apply a strict budget that he lives by." ~ Goannagoingtogetyou
"He's only 20."
"There's plenty of time for him to rebuild his credit."
"But there's never a better time for him to learn about consequences than right now."
"Protecting him is only going to make things worse. NTA." ~ 20eyesinmyhead78
"NTA... he clearly sees you as his backup plan."
"Get him a meeting with a debt advisor about consolidating his credit cards into a loan with lower interest."
"And then step back."
"Tell him to start selling his designer gear to pay his debts too." ~ gringaellie
"NTA - he clearly needs to learn that HE is responsible for the consequences of his actions."
"He could likely sell some of his designer goods to help bail himself out." ~ Cheque-Plz
"NTA. OP you help your son by teaching him to solve his own problem."
"If you're in the states, each state has a debt consolidation program."
"They'll contact his creditors and get him on an affordable payment plan."
"Then you get him in contact with a financial advisor and they help him build a budget and teach him to live within his means." ~ Vegetable-Cod-2340
"NTA: I would make any future help I gave him predicated on him taking a money management class of some sort."
"There are several out there, I can recommend Financial Peace University, as it did wonders for our finances."
"Bailing him out only kicks the can down the road."
"He needs to learn how to manage his money, and it's going to take more than just 'talking to him about budgeting and planning.'" ~ Prechrchet
"NTA."
"(1) Offer to help him lay out a budget that will allow him to pay down his debt."
"But do not pay his bills."
"And do not touch your retirement funds unless you need them for critical financial shortfalls before you retire."
"(2) Check and see if he can qualify for a Zero Interest balance transfer credit card."
"If he is current with his cards and his credit score is above 670, then Capital One has a card that allows transferring another card balance to their car with no interest charged on the transferred balance for 18 Months."
"The trick is to not use the card during that period and keep the payments up to date, as one late payment can ratchet the interest on the entire card balance to 29% interest."
"(3) If you help him (by helping guide him through this financial mess, do not hand him money (let him pay it off himself with his earnings) and insist on him providing access to his credit reporting bureau accounts so you can watch with him for changes in his credit rating."
"It also allows you to see any new accounts being opened or closed."
"(4) Mandate he comes to the house with his credit cards in hand."
"Then take the cards, put them in a plastic container, fill them with water to cover the cards and place them in your freezer."
"He has to stop charging things."
"Getting the cards out of his wallet removes impulse buying with credit cards."
"(5) Mandate he provides access to his online credit card statements so you can verify he is not continuing to charge more expenses to the cards."
"(6) Be sure to cross-check the open accounts listed by the credit bureaus against the credit cards he places in the ice block in your freezer."
"Periodically recheck to make sure no new accounts are opened and that accounts are being kept up-to-date."
"(7) Have him focus any money left over from his budget to pay down the card with the smallest balance."
"That will accelerate the payoff of that card."
"Then focus the amount that was being paid on the now paid-off card, on the next card in his list of debts."
"This will pay the next card at an accelerated rate."
"This provides positive more frequent feedback and allows him to see progress rather than the long dreary long-term payoff of high-interest credit."
"Rinse and repeat until the cards are paid off."
"(8) Make it clear he has two choices."
"One you will help him get out of the mess he is in by guiding him through developing a budget and learning to run his life with no red ink or his other option is to screw himself over for life with poor credit and possible bankruptcy."
"Point out that bankruptcy can block employment in many fields, particularly government contractor employment and civil service."
"(9) If you bail him out by paying his bills, he is going to view the Bank of Mom and Dad as his piggy bank in the future." ~ redneckerson1951
"NTA. He's facing difficult consequences because you've always bailed him out before and he's never had to learn better."
'You've got to let him deal with it himself.'
"This will be life-changing in a good way."
"He'll have to make a financial plan and stick with it."
"And it's no worse than any other young man who bought a new car and crashed it before insuring it."
"Let him swim through his own turds, it's the only way." ~ IncredulousPulp
"The minute you clear his debt, he will get another card."
"Perhaps take him to one of those companies that will go into bat for him by arranging a lower-interest loan and negotiate for him to sort his credit out."
"Make him responsible; you're not always going to be around."
"He's a man and can start manning up now."
"It's not really that big amount and this could be good for him." ~ Impossible-Ad-5710
"NTA. You could help him by looking at debt consolidation and other solutions."
"Give him the tools to help himself."
"But not the money."
"having been your son it's the only way he learns!!" ~ Organic_Sun7976
"If you bail him out this time, what's your limit for next time?"
"I got in trouble with money when I was his age, leaving Uni and starting out in life with no knowledge of how to balance salary, spending, etc."
"My parents refused to help me."
"I'm pretty good with money now, comfortable, savings, pension, visas, etc."
"My younger sister,r however, they were always happy to keep handing her cash every time she asked."
"If she needed help with car repairs, rent/mortgage, they were always there."
"She's now 36 and still can't stand on her own two feet, spends more than she earns, and knows she'll get handouts whenever she asks."
"Helping your kids out 'no matter what' doesn't always just mean handing them cash every time they ask." ~ Petrichor_ness
"NTA. You've bailed your son out in the past (multiple times it sounds like). But he learned nothing from it."
"You'd be enabling him if you took on his 15k debt, which he racked up himself."
"He needs to learn budgeting, fiscal responsibility, and to live within his own means."
"Don't take money from your retirement to bail him out."
"He's an adult; he needs to learn that choices and actions have consequences." ~ REDDIT
"NTA - I fully support the saying that you help out your family no matter what."
"But that doesn't mean to bail them out just because."
"Helping would mean that things get better in the long run, and for that, your son needs to grow up."
'If your son doesn't learn to budget his own life and understand that his actions have consequences, you're probably gonna spend your whole retirement on him."
"He's gotta learn this, either with your help through budgeting and saving money or without your help the really hard way."
"His choice." ~ Party-Department9074
"NTA. You cannot afford to help him."
"Don't mention your retirement fund, that's your business and for you alone."
"He needs to hit rock bottom before he can get back up."
"He will get back up but it will require a lot of effort on his part."
"The effort needs to come from him." ~ manual_typewriter
Reddit is with you on this one, OP.
Your son is twenty, not five.
He is capable of getting himself out of this mess.
He clearly has learned nothing from his past financial issues
Time to grow up and figure it out.
Save your money for you or a real emergency.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp