Life can be very difficult to get through in one piece.
And in the darkest of times, people have to find ways to cope.
Many people have found solace and comfort in emotional support assistance, such as dogs, cats, and... dolls.
Redditor Lalabellum wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to give my niece what she wants for her birthday?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Yesterday, we had a big family gathering, which meant my older sister (29) and her daughter (6) came over. "
"For half of the day, everything was well and good."
"After lunch, my sister got tired, so I (27 F[emale]) volunteered to look after my niece when my sister took a nap."
"Now, I have a collection of stuffed animals and 20cm (7.8 inches for those in America) dolls, which I let my niece play with when her mother napped."
"Then my sister woke up, joined us, and we spent some more time together before she announced it was time for them to leave."
"This was when my niece pointed at the doll I was holding and said she liked him and that she wanted me to give him to her."
"I told her that she could get any other doll and/or stuffed animals that she wanted from my collection, just not this one."
"My niece got really upset and started crying, saying that her birthday was coming (it's next week), and she wanted that doll as her birthday present."
"Again, I told her I couldn't give him to her, explaining to her he was very important to me."
"I didn't tell my niece in detail why he is important to me because she's still too young to understand, but I will explain it here to give a clearer picture."
"I've had this doll for a long while now, even back in the darkest time of my life, when nothing seemed to go right for me."
"I was advised to find an outlet, letting out my thoughts either in the form of writing or drawing."
"One of my drawings was the design for the doll in this post."
"I spent a lot of time with it, shading it, coloring it and all that."
"Then I got the idea of turning the drawing into something physical."
"I searched and searched and eventually found someone I trusted that could help me with this."
"For months, we worked together, choosing the materials, fabrics, and threads to make my doll's body, hair, and eyes."
"A lot of money was spent."
"But the process helped my mind be in a better place, and the result was so worth it."
"I was so happy the day I had him in my hands, and since then, he has been my emotional support doll."
"I don't know if it's strange, but whenever I look at him, I just feel like I can overcome everything."
"So yes, he's very important to me."
"My sister told me maybe it was time for me to let go of him."
"Again, I told them I could give my niece any other dolls and stuffed animals she wanted, just not this one."
"My niece cried harder and started screaming."
"My sister told me I was being an overgrown child, that I needed to act my age and stop clinging to a toy."
"It ended with her leaving with my still crying niece, telling me that I needed to prioritize my family over a doll."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Would also prevent your room from getting trashed if there's a tantrum when she still doesn't get her way and the doll is just gone."
"Sounds like she fixated on it because it was the only one you wouldn't let her play with, so it could get ugly if the doll is gone."
"Oh, and NTA." ~ SLevine262
"NTA. But I also think of worst-case scenarios and feel like you should keep the doll hidden and in a safe place when they come over or if they ever go over when you aren't home (if that ever happens since clearly I don't know your living situation)." ~ HereFromFB
"Look OP- NTA and yes change the locks to your room."
"Also, your sister needs to teach her daughter that she doesn't just get to demand other people's items."
"She doesn't get to walk into the store and demand an item for free."
"And if your sister doesn't want to teach her that, you clearly need to step back from helping her with your niece until she's willing to teach her daughter right from wrong."
"My daughter is 5 and understands no is no."
"Literally tonight she wanted to sleep in the living room."
"I said no. She tried. Asked 10 times."
"It was a firm no."
"In the end, she got ready for bed and was in her bed. Why?"
"Because I'm the adult."
"Explained why she can't sleep in the living room."
"And I reinforced my decision."
"She's 5. She understood." ~ SorryRestaurant3421
"NTA. Not extreme enough in my family."
"Changing the lock on your door may not be enough."
"When I was a teen and away from home one summer, I put my most precious possessions in a locked box, in a locked desk, and put the desk in a closet and installed a padlock on the closet door."
"Locked the room down too."
"I came home to find one of my much older and married sisters had broken into the room, closet, desk, and box."
"She took my things and was triumphant about it."
"Told me if I wanted to keep them safe I should have secured them better."
"She lived elsewhere with her husband, but I still lived in my parents' home."
"My parents condoned her actions."
"Where are your parents on this issue?"
"How far will your sister go?"
"You may need to keep the doll with you or in a secure location off-premise." ~ solitarybydesign
"I hate to assume the worst possible outcome, but I would find somewhere safe to store the doll, at least until the birthday is past and it's been forgotten about."
"You could find a small locking box and stow it in an area of the house where it wouldn't be looked for.'
"Deep in a utility closet, for instance, or tucked away in a guest bedroom— just not in your room/the room with your other dolls."
"Your sister might not have any plans, but her daughter is potentially a different story."
"And I want to be clear, I'm not calling her a monster or anything like that!"
"But she is 6– so probably pretty impulsive, and probably has a lot of room to grow re: decision making."
"She has also demonstrated some learned entitlement, and she has her sights set on this doll."
"NTA, but don't give her the opportunity to do something that can't be undone." ~- chimerical-
"Why do adults of the family think they have a right to other people's property, just because their child cried?"
"Would they demand it of anybody else?"
"Objects not of much value can be requested not demanded, and paid for if required." ~ abstractengineer2000
"As a mother, no idea."
"There were times my kids cried because they wanted to have something that belonged to someone else."
"I explained to the child why they can't have it but the person it belonged to gave up to the crying anyway and gave them what they wanted without asking me."
"I honestly wasn't too happy about it."
"Kids need to understand that this is not how it works."
"It enforced the habit of tantrums to get what they want." ~ Laurelinn
"Time to either put a keyed lock/deadbolt on either your bedroom or closet door so that you have a safe place for those items as your sister has made it clear she has zero respect for your boundaries and has shown clear indicators she's not going to willingly teach your niece that no means no."
"NTA. Children aren't entitled to an adult's keepsakes." ~ Ashamed_File6955
"For me as a babysitter and nanny, once they calmed down I always tried to ask them 'How would you feel if someone demanded your blankie/favorite stuffed animal/favorite toy/tablet/etc and then got mad at you for not giving it away or worse stole it from you or broke it because they felt like it?'"
"'Oh, you'd be sad, mad, and hurt? Well, so was I (or your cousin, sibling, friend).'"
"'Did how much you want that thing make up for how it feels to have made the other person feel?'"
"'Would it be worth knowing that you might never be able to make them feel better and make it right?"
"Most kids struggle with full-on empathy, with being able to imagine exactly how they've made someone feel until they..."
"A) have boundaries involving how they treat others and how they're treated..."
"B) are taught how to analyze their own feelings and the age and development appropriate way of expressing them -- don't think a toddler's gonna stop with all tantrums lol, and..."
"C) teach them how to think about how they would feel to be on the receiving end of meanness/selfishness/etc."
"I'm not saying that it's always gonna work, but I watched a lot of kids the niece's age learn to empathize by doing this."
"The people that let their children scream and demand things, especially other people's things, and then either reinforce it through acquiring or attempting to acquire said things or by excusing and allowing that behavior are setting their children up for misery in so many ways."
"Socially, emotionally and possibly even financially as most people don't get to have everything we want as grown-ups and the disappointment of that we learn to cope with as kids."
"No one is ever gonna care enough to be understanding of a tantrumming adult except Mommy and Daddy and perhaps Grandma and Grandpa."
"Everyone else will despise them very very very quickly, when they're still children even." ~ ThatDiscoSongUHate
"NTA. HIDE HIM!!"
"He will absolutely disappear and become your niece's new toy, or worse, be destroyed because 'if niece can't have him then nobody should, because it upsets her!'"
"Find someone you trust to keep him until this blows over or keep him on your person AT ALL TIMES, even in the bathroom." ~ NonConformistFlmingo
"NTA. Your niece needs to be taught that she can't have everything she wants, or she's going to grow into an absolute monster."
"Sounds like your sister already has her on that path."
"She can't just demand other people's things."
"That's never okay, and she's old enough to learn that not everything is hers for the taking."
"She also needs to be taught that other people's needs and wants have to be considered, too."
"She wants the doll because she likes it, but she doesn't have any kind of deep connection to the doll."
"You need it because it is a comfort item you rely on."
"Needs trump wants." ~cKaliTheBlaze
"Hell no. NTA Your sister is a selfish, thoughtless AH and raising her daughter to be the same."
"Neither of them has any right to demand anything of yours, and the fact that she obviously knows the story of this doll and still accuses you of being childish - the gall!" ~ SufficientBasis5296
"NTA. Sister needs to teach daughter that she may not get everything she wants sometimes."
"I'm sorry you are having to feel this way about something so special to you." ~ princessgirl069
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
This is your property.
This is your trauma and recovery.
You must prioritize yourself.
Hopefully, your sister will come around to find some understanding.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp