We've all had some rough moments with members of our family.
Sometimes, this makes it difficult just to be in their presence.
Of course, since they're our family, we learn to forgive them, purely out of love.
Other times, the damage is more lasting, however, leading to a potentially permanent estrangement.
Redditor Schazzak recently ended a relationship.
Thankfully, it was amicable, especially considering that the original poster (OP)'s father remained on very good terms with the OP's ex.
With the passage of time, however, the OP became less and less comfortable with their father's relationship with an ex, feeling the need to take matters into their own hands.
Resulting in the OP's father cutting ties with them, with the OP feeling less than compelled to amend this
Having some doubts about whether or not this was the right decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here" (AITA).
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for cutting of contact with my dad because he wants to keep inviting my ex to family gatherings even though i have new gf?"
The OP explained why their father cut off contact with them, and why they weren't eager to repair their relationship:
"I broke up with my girlfriend (21 F[emale]) about a year ago."
"Were together for year and a half and It wasn't a bad breakup, we just simply realized that we weren't a good match and that there was no point in continuing the relationship."
"My father had never been particularly interested in the girlfriends I’d had previously, but he got along surprisingly well with her, largely because they were both passionate hunters."
"I was very glad they get along so well, especially considering that my ex-girlfriend didn’t have the best relationship with her own father or the rest of her family, and also because, as I mentioned, my father had never shown any interest in getting close to any of my partners."
"When we broke up, I thought they would stop spending time together, but they didn’t."
"They still go hunting, fishing, to the shooting range, and so on. I want to point out that they don’t go alone, just the two of them, but as part of larger groups, so please don’t read any romantic involvement into it."
"Although it wasn’t exactly pleasant for me, given that our breakup was amicable, I decided to just let it go."
"Everything was fine until two months ago, when I got a new girlfriend (22 F)."
"I brought her home to meet my parents just this week, while my mom was friendly as always, it was clear that my father wasn't interested in meeting her, even though he remained polite and everything was going well until my father mentioned my ex-girlfriend's name, saying he planned to invite her to a barbecue next week."
"My girlfriend asked who that was, and I had to tell her the truth."
"My girlfriend isn't the jealous type and doesn't mind my father hanging out with my ex that much, but she definitely doesn't want to attend a gathering with her, because, frankly, it’s just weird."
"After I dropped my girlfriend off at her home, I told my father that, now that I have a new girlfriend, it wouldn't be appropriate for him to invite my ex to the barbecue."
"My father got defensive and insisted that he could invite whoever he wanted."
"I agreed, after all, it is his house, but I told him that, in that case, my girlfriend and I wouldn't be coming."
"My mom was upset about this because she wants my girlfriend to always feel welcomed and she begged me to reconsider."
"I realized that if things continued this way, we wouldn't be able to attend most of the gatherings my parents host for our family."
"So, I decided to write directly to my ex."
"I told her that I have a new girlfriend and explained the situation."
"She said she understood and agreed not to attend my parents gathering, wished me the best in my new relationship, and I thought that would be the end of it."
"However, few hours later, I received an angry message from my father, stating that I have no right to decide who he can invite, and that we are no longer invited to the gatherings or to their home."
"My mom stopped by my place and told me that my father is angry because my ex, out of respect for our relationship, is refusing to attend, even though my father has cut us off."
"Apparently, my father now wants me to convince my ex to keep going to their gatherings, otherwise, he says he wants nothing more to do with me."
"I decided to maintain some self-respect and not beg my father to change his mind."
"I’m simply going to cut off contact with him because I thought it was a good compromise and that i was being reasonable since my father and my ex can still see each other when they participate in activities together, but at the same time, my ex won't be attending family gatherings."
"However, my father and all the friends I’ve asked seem to side with my father, which worries me...
"So I am really in the wrong here and what should I do?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was doing the right thing by not trying to restore contact with their father.
Everyone agreed that the OP's father seemed to be blatantly showing preference to their ex-girlfriend over them, and it's him who needs to work on improving their relationship, not the OP:
"I'm curious as to what logic your friends are giving on why he's in the right."- xanif
"If I was your mom I'd have to wonder why my spouse was so determined to hang out with my son's ex-girlfriend that he was willing to disown his son over it."
"It may not be 'romantic' but damn that's a strong attachment."
"You're NTA."- Senator_Bink
"NTA."
"Your father gas latched onto your ex-girlfriend in a profoundly unhealthy way."
"He's also showing some incredibly controlling behavior."
"He was willing to throw away his actual child to maintain a relationship with someone he's known for maybe 2.5-3 years."
"I'm really sorry but either this is proof of something you knew already about your relationship with him, or you really need to think about whether his feelings towards your ex were a lot more than platonic (if one-sided)."- Hoplite68
"Your dad is gross and way too invested, and I feel awful for your mother."
"Optics matter regardless of intent, and it looks a certain way."
"NTA that was a normal boundary."
"And your ex should have owned this and said SHE recognizes it would be inappropriate."- Glittering-Paper4516
"You're dad's kind of a dumba**."
"Even without your intervention, your ex and him likely wouldn't have remained besties for long."
"At some point, she'll be dating someone new too, and continuing to hang out with her ex's family will be awkward for them."
"So he's permanently damaged his relationship with his son, and damaging his relationship with his wife for nothing."- 1pinksquirrel1scotch
"To be honest, I can't imagine it going over well with the rest of the attendees of your family gatherings if you're not here and your ex is."
"Someone's going to ask some questions, prepare yourself for some incoming messages during or after that BBQ."- Hans0Io
"NTA."
"You’re absolutely right, your father can invite whoever he wants to his home."
"But he cannot expect you and your new girlfriend to just suck it up."
"If it’s family time, she doesn’t need to be there."
"If it’s family time and she’s invited you just will not attend."
"It seems like your dad picked your ex over you and for that I’m sorry."
"Just say no to your dad, that you will not participate in making your new partner uncomfortable."
"If that’s not good enough for him, well, he just loses access to you then."
"Too bad your mom is caught in the middle."
"But she needs to put her foot down and tell Dad that her son is coming for the holidays and poster’s ex will not be invited."
"If dad pitches a fit, tell him he can just go spend the holidays with her."
"And stay there."
"This entire situation is all kinds of messed up."
"You are definitely NTA."- Shadow4summer
The saddest part of this whole story might be how this damaged the OP's happy relationship with their ex.
It seemed both of them were willing to let each other move on while still wishing each other well.
Now, the OP's ex will have to live with being the main reason the OP's father cut ties with them.
