Redditor Live-Hornet-1668 recently adopted a young boy with his wife. The couple already had a biological daughter.
The Original Poster's (OP's) daughter has clearly struggled with the transition and does not view her adopted brother as such.
This has caused discord amongst the OP's home, and most namely on his daughter's birthday.
A major incident drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
He asked:
"AITA for cancelling my daughter's birthday celebration?"
He went on to explain:
"It was my daughter Rachel's [11-year-old Female] birthday yesterday. I have another child, Ethan, [10-year-old Male] who's adopted."
"Rachel insists that he's not a 'proper' member of family as he's not related to us."
"My wife Emily and I had attempted to convince her (although it was mostly I who did), but it had not worked so we gave it up."
"We had planned to have lunch at a restaurant and we took the car."
"Ethan wanted to sit in front, but Rachel told him 'Sorry, but only proper members of the family get to sit in front, and you're not really their child.'"
"He was shocked, and I asked her to take back what she had said, but my wife asked me to not start an argument as it was her birthday."
"Ethan did sit back with Emily in the back, and so I did not argue."
"We went to the restaurant, and she wanted an expensive dish. I ordered it, and Ethan said that he wants the same stuff. But Rachel did not like that, she said:"
'You want an expensive dish when he's not even your Dad in reality? I'd have thought you'd be more grateful as your parents are dead and you're adopted now.'
"I asked her to apologize immediately as I could see that it had really hurt him, but she just shrugged and said, 'Well, if you want to have it, go ahead. I don't care anyway.'"
"But I told her 'You are going to care because your birthday's cancelled, we're headed back.'"
"I asked them to head back to the car and she yelled at me and said she was just joking, that I cannot do that, etc."
"We had a really huge argument but in the end I got back them back to the car."
"My wife says that although what she said was distasteful, cancelling her birthday was extremely uncalled for and she's mad at me for having ruined her day completely."
"AITA?"
"EDIT: He was adopted a year back."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"I'm an adoptee."
"You and your wife are the biggest a**holes."
"This is exactly why mixing biological and adopted children is not always the best option because you and your wife failed to make the transition as smooth as possible…"
"…and to ensure that all the children are cared for."
"You & your wife have failed Ethan so much by letting him be subjected to this treatment."
"Rachel is also an a**hole too, albeit less because she's a bratty child whose behavior has been allowed by the adults."
"-10/10 parenting. Do better." - gtwl214
"To start, Rachel needs therapy. She is clearly not dealing with the adoption very well and is taking it out on Ethan."
"Additionally, her behavior should have been handled the VERY FIRST time she said something like that. Not on the 2, or 3, or 4th time."
"The fact that you both let her talk to him like that is disgusting; he's already been through significant loss and her remarks are cruel, hateful and can further traumatize him."
"Your wife minimizing Rachel's behavior is also highly inappropriate and she needs to stop."
"Poor Ethan losing his biological family, and then gets adopted where his new sister hates him and his new mother does nothing to defend him from his brat of a sibling."
"The only person not an AH here is Ethan." - theworldisonfire8377
"'Rachel insists that he's not a 'proper' member of family as he's not related to us.'"
"'My wife Emily and I had attempted to convince her (although it was mostly I who did), but it had not worked so we gave it up.'"
"This is a pretty bad reaction and behavior from Rachel, but it's not typical of a well-adjusted child who feels secure and loved in her family…"
"…(and doesn't have any kind of mental health challenges that would be relevant). It's also learned behavior. Kids aren't born knowing' that only biology matters. Where is she getting this from?"
"INFO: What have you and your wife done to help Rachel? You alone tried to convince her but gave up?"
"What did you try to convince her of? How does she feel about it - did you ever ask?"
"How old was she when you guys took Ethan in? You are also obligated to protect Ethan from Rachel's hurtful words - what's your game plan there?"
"ETA"
"'EDIT: He was adopted a year back.'"
"What about all the other questions people are asking?"
"Your daughter was an only child for 10 years and then you adopted Ethan. It's no wonder she's acting out. YTA to both of you for not doing more for them." - friendlily
"ESH"
"You're totally justified in canceling lunch. She was completely out of hand, and deserved to have her birthday canceled."
"But you've clearly let this be an issue for a LONG time. And your wife is even more complicit, from the sound of it. There's just no way she woke up one day and decided to act this badly."
"Your wife sounds like she's afraid of your daughter, and possibly has the same issues. You all need to be in family therapy." - GodLovesUgly1975
"Absolutely ESH except for Ethan."
"First of all, cancelling the birthday was a smaller punishment than I would have given."
"Second, why on earth have these comments not been shut down in the past, what consequences does she face? I'm assuming none because your wife says 'you can't force them to interact'."
"I'm curious as to how Ethan came into your care? His parents are dead according to your daughter? We're his parents friends of yours? Was your wife hesitant to adopt?"
"Your daughter needs some serious consequences for these comments and the whole family needs therapy" - s-nicolexo
"You should have all been in therapy the minute you decided to adopt."
"Did you think it would be like bringing home a new dog when you already have one? Get your poor daughter into therapy."
"She isn't just being mean."
"She is clearly insecure and hurting."
"You have a complete disregard for her feelings and why she is responding like this to her brother. This happens with biological siblings too, we know this."
"They just can't be as harsh. To be fair I was told by my brothers that I was adopted, they were teens and I was toddler age."
"I was practically identical to them, so I knew I wasn't. They were struggling with my existence and the way the family changed after I was born."
"They loved me but were kids so when emotions got high they would be mean for lack of better skills."
"You and your wife have failed your children. Get them into therapy individually, immediately, and get into family therapy."
"If you can't afford it, you should not have adopted a child because that's an essential part of adopting, especially when you have a child already in the home."
"Also, have you ever tried asking your daughter why she says hurtful things?"
"Have you taken time to sit with Rachel, just you and her, and ask her to tell you what she feels about Ethan and why she is so mean to him? Explain to her how much it hurts him."
"When you say you and your wife 'tried,' I feel like that was mostly by yelling, disciplining and making Rachel feel bad..."
"…making it impossible for her to express the actual feelings causing this behaviour....also tried for how long?"
"11 year olds aren't actually a**holes. They are still learning what their emotions are and how to properly express them."
"You and your wife are a**holes. The other two are children, and therefore, Rachel's behaviour still makes you the a**hole. Help your daughter learn how to process and communicate her emotions."
"A huge part of me thinks this story isn't real. How were you allowed to adopt without you and your daughter being spoken to by social workers and stuff?"
"How long ago did you adopt Ethan?" - Lopsided-Mix-2798
"Why have you been blind to the resentment that clearly has been building? Why is she taking it out on her brother."
"Have you considered that maybe she needed help adjusting to having a sibling, nor did you do what you wanted? Not even consider how the family you have would react"
"It's fantastic you adopted, but you see so many of these stories where the bio kids get ignored so the new child can be the center of attention to help adapt…"
"…yet continue to take away from a child that was already in the home" - Bitter_Animator2514
Hopefully, this family can figure things out soon. Perhaps by the celebrating the day they adopted Ethan?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp