If a child misbehaves towards a person, most would understand if their parent wanted to apologize for their child’s behavior.
But Redditor Puzzleheaded-Term504 never anticipated he would be apologizing for his adult daughter’s actions.
When his wife accused him of being too harsh with their daughter, he turned to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for making my daughter listen to me talk to her husband and apologize for raising a cheater like her?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained what led his daughter back home.
“My daughter recently moved back in with us after her relationship with her husband ended following his discovery of an affair she was having with a co-worker.”
“Her husband is a good man, and I will be sorry to see him leaving our family. He did not deserve this.”
“She admits as much, but I wanted him to know how sorry I was that things ended this way.”
“I have been very hard on my daughter since she moved in. As much as she claims to recognize her mistakes, I don’t believe her.”
“She is in shock right now because she got caught and lost both men, but she hasn’t learned her lesson.”
“When I called her husband to apologize, I told her she was going to listen to the conversation because she needed to see the damage she had caused by her selfishness.”
“I also wanted her to know how disgusted I was with her and how deeply ashamed I am of her and of her being my daughter. I told her husband that if given the choice I would rather keep someone like him in our family than my own daughter because of her behavior.”
“All of this had the effect I intended, but her mother thinks I was unnecessarily harsh with her and may do damage to our relationship. I told her mother that right now I was considering disowning her unless she showed some remorse and changed quickly.”
“She needs tough love right now in my view and consequences.”
“I don’t think trying to accomplish either of those things makes me an a**hole, but does it?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
“YTA. Your daughter is an adult. You don’t get to punish her for how she behaved in her marriage.” – NUTmeSHELL
“I agree she is an adult and she can do wherever she wants, but she is also a cheater and is living in OP’s house.”
“I think he is a**hole and is doing everything wrong and I’m sure his relationship with his daughter will be broken forever, but I can’t stop thinking that she deserved it, I have no empathy for a cheater.”
“I don’t see it as a father punishing his daughter, but instead I see it as consequences from her actions.” – SergioFHAR
“She would deserve it from her ex, who was actually wronged. Not from her own parent, who is in no way ‘morally wronged’ by the situation.”
“Cheater or not – that’s OPs kid, not their partner. They are not the one who doles out punishment, if they have to be involved then a parent should be teaching.”
“This behavior right here teaches nothing, and planning to disown their child over them cheating?? OP is definitely TA and how about someone throw in their face that maybe their parenting needed to be better to prevent this behavior in the first place.”
“(You don’t get to have it two ways – either daughter is responsible for their own behavior, in which OP has no right to be punishing for it, or if OP needs to parent the situation as a ‘lesson’ then they have to own up that obviously any previous parenting on this failed)” – BlackDahlia42
But this Redditor believed the OP had every right to take action the way he did.
“Cheating leads victims to depression, suicide, trust issues and etc…he is more than right to scold his daughter for this.”
“He is her father and she lives in his house now, that’s enough.” – Light-Hadou7777777
But a good majority thought what the OP did was not a good example of parenting.
“Then he shouldn’t have allowed her to live with him. She’s a grown adult – not a 15 year old living in his house.”
“The statistics for harmful parenting causing depression, suicide, long term emotional issues and other matters are far more showing than any statistics on cheating. If this is the way OP has been parenting his daughter her whole life, I’m not shocked she’s a cheater.”
“Editing to add: he did not scold her. He punished her. That’s the difference.”
“He enacted a childish punishment on a grown woman instead of treating her like an adult and showcasing proper communication. This wasn’t parenting, this was a bs move pulled to shame and humiliate his own daughter while making himself look better after she ‘shamed’ him by cheating.”
“(He seems far more focused on her ‘bringing shame’ on the family than on her actually learning anything from this)” – BlackDahlia42
“If ‘under OP’s roof’ is the issue, OP should have refused to let her move in, not let her move in and then treat her like a misbehaving toddler.” – greeneyedwench
“She’s your daughter. you don’t tell her you’re ashamed to be her father over something like this.”
“Cheating is beyond f’ked, but you’ve basically disowned her and I wouldn’t be surprised or blame her if she cuts contact with you.”
“ffs dude, do you even care about your daughter?” – ProudPanda1
“YTA. Damn – way to kick her while she’s down. What an awful thing for any one to do to someone, let alone their own parents.”
“With a dad like this, it’s no wonder she couldn’t sustain a healthy marriage.” – ariesheiress
Many Redditors decided what the daughter did was inexcusable, but the father remained harshly criticized.
“ESH. Her for cheating, and you for trying to control and discipline an adult child in hopes that she learned her lesson.”
“It’s all fine trying to mend everything and let her ex-husband know that you love him and consider him part of the family still, etc etc… but to call him and make your daughter listen REEKS of forced control and manipulation.”
“You can support your ex son in law and also not support your daughter without any skin off my judging back. But the way you did it is really, really gross.” – GlitteringHair7
“I honestly have no sympathy for cheaters because I have no clue what can possibly go through their mind to justify those actions. But ‘gross’ does describe what OP did.”
“He could’ve said all that ‘id rather he be in my family than you’ directly to his daughter and I still wouldn’t think he’s an a**hole if he’s trying to disown her.”
“But say it in a call to the ex and have her listen to it? Is… a little gross. Yeah it did the job but at least keep some un-a**holeness for yourself.”
“ESH. At least it worked I guess.” – un-shankable
“ESH. I get that what she did is wrong but I worry that you might have taken it a bit far. Did you have problems with your daughter before this all happened?”
“Surprising to see someone turn on a dime like this if not. She is a grown up and is entitled to her own choices, I think that burning a bridge with your child is a bit out of control, even though the things you said may already have lit that fire.” – Dry-LaBeouf
When one of the comments mentioned that “relationships are complicated” and asked if the OP still loves his daughter, the OP replied:
“I will always love my daughter, but I do not like the person she is and what she represents and I do not know if I want her to be associated with our family unless she changes.”
The final assessment was that the OP should mind his own business and let his grown-up daughter deal with the consequences of her behavior.