We all know that some relationships ultimately don’t work out for one reason or another.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean that we should speak poorly of our previous partners, advised the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor iLoveSoju29 was surprised when she heard what her father had to say about her mother when he was marrying someone new.
When he responded poorly to her thoughts, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should have kept her feelings to herself.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for calling my dad’s girlfriend ‘his mistress’?”
The OP and her father went separate ways after her mother’s death.
“My mom died of brain aneurysm 2 years ago. She was 39 at the time.”
“She and dad (Ben 42 [male]) were no longer together before she died because dad had an affair with his work colleague (Amanda 37 [female]).”
“They were getting a divorce but mom died before it was finalized.”
“I was 18 when mom died, and to be honest, I resented my dad because of the heartache he caused my mother and I blamed him for her death.”
“After mom’s funeral, I refused to talk to him.”
The OP’s dad then announced his engagement.
“Recently he contacted me and we started to reconnect. He and Amanda are still together and I have started to accept their relationship because I saw how happy my father is with her.”
“Last month, Dad informed me that he and Amanda had gotten engaged and he wanted to let me know first before he shares the news to everyone.”
“I told him I am happy for them.”
Her dad said something hurtful at his engagement party.
“Last week they had an engagement party where they invited some of our relatives and friends.”
“During the toast, Dad said something like, ‘I just can’t wait to marry the perfect woman. I thank God for giving me the love of my life after all those years that I wasted with someone else.'”
“I walked out of the room after hearing what my father said. He basically considered his marriage to my late mother a ‘waste of his time’.”
The OP tried to leave and got in an argument.
“It broke my heart and I wanted to leave right away, but dad’s friend (my godfather) and Amanda followed me.”
“Amanda said that dad wanted me to give a message but I told her I can’t do that and I needed to go as I felt sick.”
“My godfather tried to convince me to stay and say a few words.”
“I got tired of holding my anger in and I just said, ‘I have no good words to say about my cheating father and his mistress. I need to go.'”
“Amanda got angry with me and called me an a**hole and I need to get over the past.”
“I didn’t even say anything and just left them behind.”
Feelings about the OP’s statement were mixed.
“I was with my boyfriend who picked me up when dad called and he was very furious with me. Apparently what I said made Amanda cry and he’s now demanding an apology.”
“He also accused me of ruining his engagement party.”
“I told him I could have made a scene but I didn’t and there is no way I am apologizing for stating facts.”
“My boyfriend said he understands how I feel.”
“My grandparents (dad’s side) are disappointed with me for overreacting and calling Amanda a mistress.”
“Did I overreact and ruin their party?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP couldn’t be more NTA.
“You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were getting out as quietly as possible. You didn’t kick off publicly, you didn’t cause a scene. You just tried to leave and got stopped.” – rayvon2006
“You are a lot stronger than I am. I would have turned that engagement party into a roast. Your father is a man lacking morals and scruples. You are NOT a waste.”
“If anything, all the good parts of him, are in you. Amanda gets whatever’s left.”
“I think it’s best you go NC (no-contact) while you work through this. Relay a message to your father about his words and how they made you feel.”
“I love the irony of him holding you accountable for your words, but he hasn’t apologized for essentially calling you a mistake. You owe them nothing, OP.
“NTA.” – p3ttyb3ttie
“Holy crap… when the OP wrote the part of wasted time, I just stopped reading and asked myself, ‘Did he just say his child was a waste of his time?’ Basically a mistake…”
“Feel so bad for the OP…” – investorsanteDOTcom
“A**hole behavior is a choice but it’s also a resource when the situation calls for it. Behavior is situational and sometimes traumatic events, like the very very acute trauma of what this OP’s father said in front of her and her family, result in behavior that’s… suboptimal.”
“But walking away in the face of intense emotions to grieve privately and abandon a situation that’s causing immense grief and discomfort? That’s a healthy, wise thing to do – truly the BEST thing you could have done in that moment – and it demonstrates that you are resilient.”
“Emotions, even intense ones, happen, and I hope you continue to ride your wave of courage. This is worth grieving and feeling emotional about!”
“And don’t let anyone tell you that it was inappropriate to lash out on Amanda. You were engaged in a moment of self-preservation in the face of all of this, and you did the right thing by walking away.”
“All this to say… NTA, boo. They poked the bear. Tell yourself that a few times. Remember that inner bear in you exists because you are strong and resilient.”
“I hope your boyfriend gives you as many extra hugs as you want for the next few days. That’s why they’re called bear hugs.” – steak_dilemma
Others agreed and couldn’t believe the dad’s entitlement.
“You know, people like to say that the truth hurts. Your dad didn’t care when his truth about the fact that he strung along your mom and then torpedoed her life hurt you, so I don’t know why you should be concerned that your truth about him marrying his mistress hurt them.” – TheJujyfruiter
“He literally said the marriage that resulted in OP was a waste of his time. He could have made a nice speech honoring his new wife without ever mentioning his previous marriage. In fact mentioning it at all is really gross.” – some_word_some_wow
“He wants an apology for making Amanda cry, but I’m sure they never apologized to OP’s mom for all the tears they no doubt caused her! The gall.” – Foreign_Astronaut
“My parents got divorced and my mom does NOT like my dad currently, but she’s always like, ‘Welp, I got you kids out of it though, so, worth it!’ She would NEVER let anyone conflate her feelings about the marriage with her feelings about the kids.”
“The dad here doesn’t even seem to GAF (give a f**k) whether his kid feels loved or not.” – AtticusFrenchToast
Some enjoyed writing engagement speeches of their own.
“I probably would have started with:”
“‘I’m sorry I don’t have a speech prepared. My father mentioned how he wasted so many years of his life in first marriage before he found the perfect mistress, I mean woman, standing besides him now. Considering I am the direct result of how his precious time was so unfortunately wasted, I didn’t think he would want me to speak in front of all his friends and family.'”
“‘Being the face of his embarrassment over how he frittered away time I really thought I would be off to the side. I am positive he doesn’t want his future in-laws speaking to the thing he spent so much time dillydalling with when he really should have been out there looking for Mistress.'”
“‘Please don’t take his procrastination as a sign that he, or our family, are still lazy and we spend all of our time lollygagging. Ever since he met Mistress, he has made amazing progress with his time management skills! I, personally, have learned so many lessons from him and his Mistress. They’ve taught so much about how you should treat your family.'”
“‘I’m sure his and Mistress’s children, who frankly should have been here years ago, will be so loved. Father, Mistress, and their future children who I have so sorrowly prevented from showing up sooner will make a beautiful family! Cheers!!'”
“That’s just off the top of my head though.” – MrsBarneyFife
“Or even better: ‘To my cheating father, I hope one day you look back as fondly at your relationship with Amanda as you’ve done with my mother, excuse me, my dead mother. And to his dear mistress, Amanda, may you have as long and happy life as my mother did.'”
“And then just let that hang there for a bit to see if everyone got the joke before raising your glass and saying: ‘Here’s to two more years, Amanda!'” – I_cant_remember_u
“You should have gone back in and made a toast: ‘To my cheating father and his mistress, I hope life treats you as good as you have treated others. Now your waste of time child is going home.'” – Ecstatic_Long_3558
Though some of the family wanted the OP to apologize for what she said, the subReddit didn’t see it that way. Rather, they felt the dad’s apology was long overdue, not only for the affair but for what he said at his engagement party.