Moral issues can often divide families.
For Redditor Conscious_Jury_7937, supporting his son’s homosexuality meant distancing himself from his wife.
When the Original Poster (OP) started to contemplate divorce, his wife was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer.
He stayed by her side until her death, but as soon as she passed he made sure to show his support for his son.
The seating arrangements at his wife’s funeral led him to turn to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for feedback.
He asked:
“AITA for sitting with my son at my wife’s funeral?”
He went on to share his side of the story.
“I [52-year-old Male] was with my wife [53-year-old Female] since high school. We got married and had a son [25-year-old Male] and daughter [27-year-old Female].”
“My son came out as gay when he was 16. My wife was never supportive of my son being gay. He moved out at 19 to live with his boyfriend.”
“My wife tried to pretend he did not exist. None of her family were supportive and would let it be known during family events.”
“As a result, I became distant from my wife and was looking into divorce.”
“She got diagnosed with breast cancer last year and I put the divorce on hold to help take care of her.”
“Son also helped, but she would push him away. The cancer spread throughout her body and she passed away last week.”
“We had the service last week and her family made it clear that son and his boyfriend had to sit away from everyone.”
“Her brother approached me asking if I would sit with him and his family. I simply told him no and went to sit with my son.”
“Everyone gave us dirty glares and it was worse during the reception. Her brother approached me after the service angry that I chose my son over my wife.”
“He even went as far as to say that my wife did not want her son there as he was a disgrace. I am now disgraced by her family for supporting my son.”
“This has caused tension between the families.”
“I just would like to know if I was the AH?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA but your wife’s family sure as shit is. I’m sorry for this tough time. High five for being a supportive parent to your son. It sounds like he really needed you.” – QuirkyFunUsername
“NTA.”
“Your son deserves to know that he has someone in his corner, especially if his maternal relatives feel the same way about him as your wife.”
“Sitting with him at the funeral doesn’t mean that you were choosing him over your wife; it means that you love your son.” – WolfGoddess77
“NTA – of course you’re not. You were ready to divorce your wife over this, so who gives AF what her family thinks.” – jrm1102
“NTA – You did not choose anyone over your wife, you chose to support your son who had just lost his mother.”
“While I respect her family is grieving, you owe them nothing and did nothing wrong here. If I were you , I would avoid them going forward.”
“I lost my husband a few years ago and while I was blessed with supportive in-laws for the most part, there were a few who I choose to disengage from as much as possible.”
“Just because we have a shared grief does not make me obligated to allow them to be an active part of my life, and you aren’t obligated in any way to your in-laws either.” – punkybrewsterstwin
“NTA. You are a hero! Your stayed with your wife and put the divorce on hold to help her.”
“Once that was over, you rightfully put your son first. He will never forget that you stood up for him. You were a great husband and you are a great father.”
“I’m sorry for you loss. It must be very difficult to lose someone you loved under such circumstances.” – squirrelsareevil2479
“NTA and maybe this is the last you get to hear from them. Even if you went with the divorce, it wouldn’t have been any different.”
“At least now you don’t have to deal with any of them. When a parent fails a child for whatever reason, its the parent’s failure and not that of the child.”
“Well done on being there with your son who otherwise would have been alone.” – SPolowiski
“NTA- you were still legally married to your wife so YOU get to have a say at her funeral and nobody else .”
“You should have invited her Brother to leave if he’s so mad about it.”
“You’re not a disgrace , they are.”
“Thank you for standing up for your son.” – _A-Q
“NTA – you supported your son through a tough time losing his mom and having to go to her funeral.” – deckyon
“NTA. Appeasing bigots is always wrong, especially if it’s against your own child. You’re doing the right thing, even if the disgusting bigots in your family won’t see that.” – CapoExplains
“NTA. Your son was a truly gracious for attending and trying to show respect for his mother, who didn’t return the courtesy.”
“Her family should all be ashamed of themselves. I cannot fathom treating the son of the deceased that way, and of course he is also their grandson, nephew etc.”
“I hope with her passing you can close that horrible chapter in your life and have no contact with them anymore, there’s no reason” – dart1126
“NTA It seems the problems you had with your wife prior to her death were here doing, not yours.”
“Sitting with and supporting your son who’s just lost his mother was the right thing to do. Your wife’s family are AHs, you are a good Dad” – Eriks-Rose
“I mean. i’m leaning ESH (with the exception of your son of course) because i feel like ‘looking into divorce’ shouldn’t take *8* years…”
“…(16 to 25, minus a year for ‘put the divorce on hold last year’) when it comes to something as major as “pretends child doesn’t exist as her family treats him like shit”…”
“like. good on you on this front, but it feels like a bit too late to me…” – normalAbby7
“Hell no! NTA! NTA!”
“Those family members can get bent. Although, since you were planning on divorcing her, you probably weren’t going to be seeing much of them anyway.” – wynlyndd
“NTA – You’re an absolutely brilliant father, I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Your son is going to remember this moment for the rest of his life, and that you stood up for him against your wife’s bigoted family. Keep it up.” – SSK235
“First I am so sorry for your loss. Even if you weren’t happy with your wife and her choices, you stood by her, have had a horrible few years an it sucks watching someone die from cancer.”
“Why in the hell would her family have anything to say or do with the funeral? She was technically still your wife, therefore you and your children should have planned the funeral.”
“You were not wrong. Relatives that are not supportive during a funeral can be dismissed with prejudice.”
“I understand they are also going through their own grief, but that doesn’t give them the right to berate and belittle.”
“How the heck did you choose your son over your wife? Your wife is dead.”
“Your son has so many emotions right now, probably the biggest being that he will never resolve things with his mom. How is your daughter doing through all this?”
“Your choices are simple now.”
“Anyone who wants to continue with this ‘you are horrible/son is horrible/your wife was a saint’ or whatever version they spew . . .”
“‘I have nothing to say to you and do not want to hear from you again.’ Hang up on them, have their emails go directly to junk.”
“If they approach you, your hand held up with palm facing them is a pretty universal signal to keep your mouth shut. Then turn around and walk away.” – Tinkerpro
“Jesus christ dude. Come the f*ck on are you actually asking this?”
“NTA you’re supporting your child and not allowing bigots to ruin another important relationship in his life. You would be the a**hole if you didn’t stand by your child” – Theonetruepappy94
“Funerals are for the bereaved. She was your son’s mother and he was likely grieving even though it was a difficult relationship.”
“She had no further needs you could meet, and he needed love and support.”
“I cannot imagine a less AH way to handle that situation. NTA.” – Homer_04_13
“NTA”
“You’re a wonderful father.”
“Now that your wife has died, no reason to keep in touch with the family that disowned your son.” – Sweet_Deeznuts
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
“NTA – I hope you and your son can lean on each other as you both go through the grief of losing someone close to you.”
“I’ve found it is a weird mix of emotions when you love someone yet disagree with their actions or choices and then they pass.”
“Please take the time to process and acknowledge emotions – both in you and your grown kids.” – OneAlbum2RuleThemAll
Props to the OP for standing up for his son.