Childcare is a concern for all parents unless one stays home to care for the kids full time.
For parents who both work, childcare can take the form of alternating work schedules or working a schedule of hours while the children are in school or participating in activities.
But if a couple has a working arrangement for childcare without outside help, is it reasonable for one parent to accept a job promotion that disrupts their current plan? And if they do, how much help should the other parent need?
A father overwhelmed after his wife accepted a job promotion turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to pose a hypothetical "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) solution to his issues for public feedback.
Nannytimeaita asked:
"WIBTA If I hire a nanny to help with childcare after my wife got a new job?"
The original poster explained:
"My wife (36, female) and I (38, male) have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (9, 6, & 4). We both work full-time with me being the primary breadwinner and earning about 3X what she does."
"About 4 months ago, she was offered a promotion at her job. It wasn't a big step up in pay but would be a lot more responsibility as well as being on-call 3-4 nights a week."
"When she told me about it, she was really excited and acting like it was a huge opportunity to advance her career."
"I was happy for her, but I told her I had some concerns about how often she would be out of the house in the evenings and/or how we would have to alter our schedules and routines due to her being on-call."
"She assured me that being on-call wasn't an issue and reiterated that she would be compensated for that time even if she wasn't actually called in."
"I told her that ultimately it was her decision, but I feel like we live comfortably already and the little extra money wouldn't be worth the hassle it would cause in our lives."
"She ended up taking the job and wouldn't you know it, she ended up being called in about 50% of the time."
"This resulted in us having to find alternate rides for our kids to do activities, cancelling plans, her leaving in the middle of dinner or family time, etc..."
"I also had to pick up a lot of slack in terms of household duties and childcare. We have never fought as much as we have been since she took this promotion but she's convinced it's a steppingstone to something better."
"I floated the idea of hiring a nanny for the nights she's on-call so that I have help in the inevitable situation where she gets called in again."
"Simply having another person to watch the kids if I need to take one of them to an activity or play date, or to be able to make dinner easier or get other chores done."
"She shot the idea down immediately and told me that me picking up her slack is not that big of a deal and I should be able to handle it."
"After a 3 week stretch of her being called in 3 nights a week, I told her that I was going to start looking into nannies with or without her agreement."
"I told her the only way I would reconsider is if she tries to get her old job back or look for a different one because her promotion is not working for me or the kids."
"She did not take this well. She accused me of being a lazy parent and trying to buy my way out of being a father."
"She also said that the cost of a nanny would offset any extra money her promotion is bringing in. When I told her it would actually cost more than that, she got extra pissed."
"She has no timeframe for how long she will be in this position at work and apparently has no care for my feelings on this."
"I'm tempted to just hire a nanny anyway because this is not sustainable for me."
"I think this promotion has blinded her to how negatively it has impacted the rest of the family and I refuse to just 'suck it up' any longer."
The OP added:
"Because so many people seem to be operating under the false assumption that my wife did 100% of the childcare and chores before her promotion, I feel the need to clarify."
"Before her promotion, we would divide and conquer and split childcare and chores as evenly as possible. Both of us were 100% comfortable with how we had these things divided between us."
"It's not like I was coming home, demanding to know what was for dinner, cracking a beer, and sitting on the couch until I passed out."
The OP summed up their situation.
"My wife got a promotion that required her to be 'on-call' a few nights a week and it has negatively impacted our lives."
"I want to hire a nanny to help with childcare the nights she is on call, but she is very much against it and thinks I need to just deal with it."
"I am thinking of hiring a nanny whether she agrees or not because this is not sustainable for me. I think I might be an a**hole if I hire a nanny without my wife agreeing."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would be the a**hole (YTA).
"I don't understand why you need a nanny for three nights a week if you're home."
"The tone of this reads as you not being supportive and pushing these kinds of issues not necessarily because you actually are feeling overwhelmed (you don't actually talk about that at all, you just say you want someone just in case one of the kids has an appointment) but because you resent her trying to advance in her career and are trying to make some kind of point about how it's an inconvenience."
"I might be misreading the situation but none of this sounds healthy and what she is doing doesn't sound unreasonable. YTA unless you're leaving out some significant stuff." ~ kllark_ashwood
"You did not support her career advancement because it might be inconvenient to you."
"You sound vindicated by throwing out just how correct you were that you were inconvenienced."
"Inconvenienced seems to be defined as doing anything you didn't have to do before and don't want to now."
'Clearly your wife has been do a LOT so that you don't have to do anything you find 'inconvenient'."
"You clearly value your time, career, and autonomy WAAAAY more than your wife's."
'You had a 'discussion' which you then followed up by essentially saying you don't care what she thinks and you'll do whatever you want anyway because she's either wrong or too stupid to know better and the only way to prevent this is to sacrifice her career that she has obviously worked hard at given she just got a promotion."
"You clearly minimize her hard work resulting in a promotion in a very condescending way. I just hope you didn't actually say to her that her pride and happiness at having her hard work recognized was 'acting like some huge opportunity'."
"You seem to have the impression your wife's career is unimportant."
"It sounds like you trucked along doing life, working and whatnot, while your wife learned how to parent, how to schedule, how to balance children and work, and how to grow in her career while you kept going just like you always had."
"And now that she wants you to pick up some of the load she has been carrying you are equating all her sacrifices to nothing more than 'the hired help'."
"Yep, I came to a lot of conclusions reading your words and your wording choices. Here is one more conclusion. YTA." ~ Low-Location363
"YTA but not for what you think you might be. Support your wife."
"You're sh*tting all over her new job. It's probably not the money that's mostly driving her."
"You clearly believe your work is superior and there is no way she doesn't know that." ~ Portie_lover
"My husband does all the trucking around 3 nights per week while I work. The little ones get dragged along to the older ones' activities, because such is their lot in life."
"Sometimes my oldest can watch them for a bit if it's not her activity. Sometimes we ask our neighbors to bring our son home from practice, because they are there."
"If you're worried about 'taking advantage', at the end of the season offer to take them out to dinner or send them out to dinner as a thank you. As another parent, they probably don't mind nearly as much as you."
"We are also both in agreement with how much of the childcare and chores he takes on, but it's still not 50%. Just because you and your wife were in agreement before, doesn't mean things don't change as people advance in their careers."
"Honestly, you sound terribly unsupportive, especially as this hasn't been going on long and is a stepping stone for her."
"If this had been a year long endeavor with no end in sight, I could see you revisiting the idea of 'when is the next step because I can't handle being the only parent a whopping 3 nights per week'."
"But it's not been that long, just deal with the season you're in. YTA if you hire a nanny without your wife's buy in." ~ Less_Tea2063
"YTA purely because you're belittling your wife's successes because she doesn't earn as much as you."
"Also because you can't suck it up for a few nights." ~ Tasty_Doughnut_9226
"YTA... Your wife sounds really proud of herself, and she's excited. Have you celebrated with her at all, or just acted like a big ol' bag of a**hole?"
"I get it, managing your kids is hard. Suck it up."
"Sounds like a great opportunity for the whole family to step up in a major way to support the woman who, I would venture a guess, acts as the QB of the family."
Your two oldest play hockey, I'd guess they're old enough to take on some of the household responsibilities. Setting/clearing the table, washing dishes, heck even playing a board game with their little sister on nights they're home."
"Regardless of whether or not Mom is at work, chances are that 4-year-old would be getting dragged around. But it's not like you have to sit at practice, you're driving to or from."
"Why not arrange a carpool? You can tackle the nights Mom isn't on call, another parent can tackle when she is?"
"It sounds like you want to hire the nanny so you a.) Don't have to work as hard and b.) because you think your wife will take a demotion to avoid this/save money."
"You're trying to force her hand, and that's super manipulative. It's one thing if, say, one night a week you'd like to hire a babysitter for your 4-year-old so you can take the kids to practice and then have a little alone time."
"But hiring a whole-a** nanny? Ridiculous." ~ Milo-Victory2020
Is this nanny necessary or is it just retaliation because dad is being asked to step up his parenting?
Reddit thought it was the latter.
What do you think?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp