There’s a special kind of pain when a parent puts their own worries and fears on their children. But what if they could be relieved with a simple test?
Redditor itsunderthesauce16’s father wants her to take a paternity test. It’s been years since the original poster (OP)’s mother ran out, but her father is insistent on doing this now.
OP has refused, making her father upset and led to her wondering if she was wrong to say no. To figure out if she made a bad decision, she decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about the issue.
Her question gets right to the point.
“AITA for not letting my dad get a paternity test?”
OP is stuck in a difficult situation.
“My dad wants to get a paternity test cos hes recently gotten convinced I’m not his real daughter. My mum ran away to another country with some guy when I was 8 years old and lately my dad’s gotten really sure she was cheating on him long before that and I’m actually someone else’s baby.”
“He keeps talking about how paternity fraud is a big issue and he needs a paternity test to be sure he’s not getting suckered into raising another man’s kid.”
“I don’t know why this is only coming up now, and honestly it really hurts my feelings that hes like ‘I don’t think you’re really my kid’.”
“I’m biased obviously but I don’t think I’m a difficult kid, I get good grades, I don’t drink or do drugs or smoke, I don’t talk back, I do my chores. So why does it feel like he’s so desperate for me to not be his?”
“Does he hate being my dad that much?”
“Even though I’m pretty sure I am his real daughter, because we look pretty similar, I’m kinda scared of what might happen if we find out I’m not.”
“Like, would he stop caring about me? Would he kick me out? I have nowhere to go.”
“So even though he’s fully set on getting a test, I’m refusing, and he’s mad about it. I even told him I would consider doing it when I’m 18 (I’m 16 now, it’s not that long to wait) but apparently he needs it right now.”
“AITA for refusing?”
OP is feeling really pressured to get this test for her dad, but isn’t sure what to do. She’s refused to take the test out of fear, but does that make her wrong?
The AITA commenters judged OP by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
In the end, OP can choose to not get the test. She’s just a kid stuck with a dad having obsessive thoughts. On top of that, dad is taking out his anger at his ex-wife on his child, which is a sure way to harm her mentally.
OP is NTA and dad for sure is.
“NTA. Tell him he’s hurting you by disregarding your relationship because DNA doesn’t mean crap compared to 16 years of memories.”
“Ask him why he wants to punish you when it’s your mom he’s angry with. Ask him how he’s going to repair this when the test says you are his bio-child because this kind of hurt isn’t going to disappear with the test result.”
“I’m sorry this is happening to you at such a young age.” – NinjaBabaMama
“It especially hurts because it’s been just us for 8 years and I thought we were really close and he really liked being my dad, but in the last year or so he’s gotten really weird and distant and keeps talking about paternity fraud and women tricking men into raising their affair babies and stuff and it’s like wtf did I do wrong that made him suddenly get obsessed with not being my dad?” – itsunderthesauce16 (OP)
“Obviously, I can’t know this for sure (you might not be able to either), but judging from this comment, I would be willing to bet that your dad has somehow found his way down the (generally quite insane) rabbit-hole of ‘men’s rights activism’.”
“They are obsessed with the idea that this rare phenomenon of women ‘tricking men into raising a child that isn’t theirs’ is actually SUPER common (it isn’t, obviously).”
“But yeah, not that I would defend it at all, but I can definitely see how the experience of his wife leaving him coupled with being fed this kind of insane MRA shit could lead someone to having these kinds of worries. Again, I will emphasise that that doesn’t excuse or defend it… but it very well might explain it.”
“If I am right (and even if I’m not), you definitely didn’t do anything wrong here… I would liken it to having a family member fall down the Qanon on incel rabbit-holes (the internet can make people crazy in a lot of different ways)” – beast_boy_1905
“Sweetheart you need to talk to your dad. Sit him down and possibly say.”
“I’ll do the test if you will answer my questions. 1 what will you do if it shows I’m not yours. 2 do you have any feelings for me. 3 do you regret being my dad. 4 do you understand how much it hurts me, that you seem to not want to be my dad. 5 anything else you can think of.”
“Write down your thoughts. If you feel you can’t sit down with him and talk about this, write him a letter.”
“If I can help with anything please send me a message. Good luck sweetheart” – Tracie10000
Other commenters were convinced the dad has pretty much ruined the relationship already.
“Being a father isn’t about being biologically related to them but rather the act of raising and caring for you.”
“Regardless of paternity test, this man has raised you and is your father in more ways than you think. NTA” – SurgeeNYC
“He doesn’t seem to see it that way.” – itsunderthesauce16 (OP)
“My father raised my older brother and sister, even adopted them, when their deadbeat dad took off.”
“Your dad is wrong. Im not your mom, but I’m A mom. You are valuable and precious and haven’t done ANYTHING wrong.” – bookluvr83
“NTA”
“Your dad is clearly going through something, and after this long it shouldn’t matter if you’re biological or not.” – Elizalayne
“It shouldn’t matter but he’s already failed the sniff test.”
“Fatherhood is determined by behavior and at the end of the day, he is not capable of unconditional love. He is not capable of it regardless of whether she has his DNA or not.”
“He has already failed the fatherhood test by making this request.” – Issyswe
The biological implications aside, OP’s dad did raise her. Whether or not his wife cheated, dad is the one who’s here.
He needs to consider what it would mean if he decided to take the test and OP wasn’t biologically related to him. Does that make anything he’s felt for OP the last 16 years fake?