So many times, we, as grown-ups, put the period at the end of a power struggle with the age-old response, “… because I said so.”
But is that really fair?
Are you entitled to have the last say because you are an authority figure or because you are older?
And is it truly to invalidate feelings and ignore elevated emotions?
According to one man on Reddit, his family certainly thinks so.
His family is angry with him for refusing to make his son apologize for ignoring his uncle and now-aunt after they upset him by having their wedding at an adults-only venue, so he turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor LeoBastion asked:
“AITAH for not making my son forgive my brother after he was uninvited from his wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“6 months ago my son Leo (14/m[ale]) decided to cutoff my brother Jack (46/m[ale]).”
“Now my mum, brother, SIL and other family members want me to make my son forgive him to keep the peace.”
“For a little bit of context, I’m (46/m[ale]) a single dad.”
“My family has always helped me in many ways (mostly babysitting when Leo was younger), and even before my son was born, we were all very close.”
“We all live relatively close to each other so we’ve been able to keep in touch with weekly gatherings, spending the holidays together, etc.”
“Everyone loves my son and my son loved them back.”
“However, my brother Jack was always my son’s favorite person.”
“Back when my son was 3-4 years old, Jack and his wife had more flexible jobs than me (think freelancing vs a 9 to 5) so they always volunteered to look after Leo, something he loved.”
“Almost every month they would take him to the zoo, or the aquarium, or they’d even go camping with him.”
“As my son grew older, he started to develop the same interests as ny brother like videogames, photography, and music.”
“When Leo was 9, he told me he wanted to have the same career as his uncle.”
“This is all to say, they were extremely close.”
“Last year my brother informed me that he and his gf Mary were getting married.”
“I knew that neither Jack nor his gf believed in marriage, so when I asked them about it, they told me it was all Karen’s idea (my SIL’s mum).”
“Because Jack and Mary didn’t care much about the wedding, and since Karen was paying for it, they let her plan everything, from the venue to the food, music, etc.”
“Karen decided to plan a destination wedding at a fancy resort.”
“In July of last year we received the invitation and it was addressed to both me and my son.”
“I even had a plus one if I wanted.”
“And as soon as the website went up, I tried to make a reservation for our hotel room.”
“I should clarify that I had to call the hotel to make my reservation because the link wasn’t working and I really couldn’t risk not getting a room.”
“When I received the email confirmation, it said ‘room for 2 adults’ but I didn’t think much of it and just assumed it was an error due to the language barrier with the hotel guy.”
“I also bought the plane tickets for us around the same time.”
“Fast forward to January, less than a month before the wedding, when my SIL called me crying saying that Karen had made a mistake with the venue.”
“Apparently, the resort was for adults only so they didn’t allow anyone younger than 16.”
“My son was 13 at the time.”
“I asked her if it would be possible for Leo and me to say in another hotel, but they told me the whole resort was child free so my son wouldn’t even be allowed to attend the ceremony or the reception.”
“I was disappointed and I told my SIL I’d talk to my son about it (I knew how excited he was about his uncle’s wedding) but she insisted both her and Jack wanted to tell him in person.”
“Honestly my son was devastated.”
“He started crying as soon as he was told he wouldn’t be able to go.”
“He pleaded with them and even offered to give them all of his savings so they could move the wedding.”
“After 30 minutes of this, my SIL got frustrated and just told him that he was being selfish and that this day wasn’t about him.”
“Leo eventually apologized and went to his room.”
“After the wedding, my son just stopped talking to my brother.”
“If Jack sent him a message, Leo would just ignore it unless it had something to do with me (for example, he would only reply if Jack asked him to tell me something because he couldn’t reach me, etc).”
“On our family gatherings, Leo would only respond to small questions like can you pass the salt’ or ‘help grandma with the plates,’ but he would ignore my brother if Jack or Mary tried to start a conversation or ask him about school, etc.”
“A month after the wedding, Jack and Mary offered to take him for a special vacation during spring break to ‘make up for the wedding,’ but my son just ignored them, and he later told me he didn’t want to go with them.”
“It was heartbreaking because I knew how much he wanted to go to that place, and I wasn’t able to afford it yet, but he stuck to his guns.”
“Something similar happened on Leo’s birthday.”
“He asked me if I was planning to throw him a party (I do it every year) and when I said yes he asked me not to invite his aunt and uncle.”
“I tried to convince him to invite them because they’re family and they were really sorry but he just said that if they didn’t want him on their special day, he didn’t want them on his.”
“My brother was crying when I told him he wasn’t invited.”
“However, things came to a head this past weekend.”
“We were at my mum’s house, and the conversation about Leo’s university came up.”
“My mum asked Leo if he was still planning on going to the same university as Jack and said that he should start planning for that, but my son replied that he wasn’t interested anymore and that he had chosen to study something else.”
“Then my mum said ‘I thought you wanted to be like your uncle’ and my son just said, ‘why would I want to be like him?'”
“At this point, I intervened and told Leo he didn’t have to be so rude, but the damage was already done.”
“Both my brother and SIL heard what he said and they left shortly after.”
“Last night, my brother texted me saying I was an a**hole for letting my son continue with this grudge, and he even accused me of being jealous of their relationship, and that’s why I wasn’t doing anything to fix it.”
“I just told him these were the consequences of his actions and that this was 100% his fault by allowing his POS mother-in-law to plan the wedding when she obviously hated my child.”
“He hung up on me.”
“My mum and some other family members think I should force my son to forgive my brother so we can all move on claiming there was no ill intent and it was just a small mistake.”
“But I don’t think I should.”
“My son was clearly hurt, and he should be allowed to heal and forgive them only when he’s ready.”
“So AITAH?”
Redditors weighed in and declared that OP was not the a**hole (NTA) in the situation, with many acknowledging that his son is entitled to both his feelings and his refusal to apologize.
“NTA- I have a hunch this is less about the wedding and more about the conversation where they called him selfish.”
“To me, that conversation would’ve done enough damage to ruin the relationship.”
“I’m guessing they never apologized to your son for saying the things they said or reacting the way they did.”
“He trusted them, and instead of them helping him process this extremely upsetting thing- that was their mistake- they called him selfish and yelled at him and effectively ruined their relationship.”
“They are the adults- if they want to fix the relationship, they need to stop trying to buy him and they need to start apologizing and making amends for the hurt and discord they caused.”
“Your son wasn’t rude when he said he didn’t want to be like his uncle- he was answering a question honestly- no one shouldn’t put him in a position to give an honest answer he would get in trouble for- that’s incredibly crappy on the adults to do- especially when you called him rude- you are the ah for that.”
“Get him some therapy- he’s been betrayed by some of the most important people in his life.”
“Your son is the only one nta in this situation.”
“You should apologize to him as well for calling him rude when he wasn’t.” – throwaway20648
“You cannot force someone else to forgive another person.”
“Your child was hurt. You can talk to him, but you can’t force your son to forgive.”
“The more people try to make your son, who is only 13, forgive him the angrier he is going to get.” – Spiritual-TarHeel
“NTA. I think your SIL getting frustrated with him, and telling him he was being selfish was the proverbial nail in the coffin.”
“He was already upset, and hitting the bargaining stage of grief for not being allowed at the wedding, and she basically kicked him when he was down.”
“And, your brother stood by and let it happen.”
“Leo will never forget that.” – Aggravating_Style544
“NTA”
“Your brother and his wife never once checked in with what MIL was doing? I kinda find that hard to believe.”
“Your son is a teen and teens have big feelings that they don’t quite have the maturity to process.”
“The more he is pushed, the more he will dig his feet in.”
“If he forgives, it will be on his terms and no one else’s” – SteampunkHarley
“You’re allowing your son to make decisions over his relationships and his boundaries. Your brother and SIL could take a lesson from him, considering they let themselves be talked into a wedding where one of the people they claim to be incredibly important to them couldn’t come.”
“The only reason they are getting upset is because their guilt is getting too much to bear. They can grow up.” – writing_mm_romance
“Soooo your son’s hurt feelings were nothing to worry about and nothing to change plans about, even plans that the plan holders didn’t want, but your brother’s hurt feelings about a birthday party are enough to get everyone in the family involved?”
“NTA and it sounds like everyone is treating Leo as a “kid” and not as a whole person with thoughts or feelings” – darthcatlady
According to his fellow Redditors, OP has every right to allow his son to heal on his own time and not force forgiveness.
Perhaps this incident can teach the rest of the family a lesson about considering the impact words and actions have on others.