We've all heard of the sunken cost fallacy when it comes to relationships.
People will consider how long they've been in that relationship before they decide whether their relationship deal breaker is, in fact, a deal breaker.
But we think of relationship deal breakers as being deal breakers for a reason, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Flashy-Transition534 had been happily married for fifteen years and had a ten-year-old son with his wife.
But when his wife came home and confessed that she had had a one-night stand and begged him not to throw their relationship away, the Original Poster (OP) was not convinced that he was the one throwing the relationship away at all.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for ignoring my wife's advances and saying that I'm only staying with her because of our son?"
The OP thought that he and his wife were happily married.
"I'm (37 Male) been married to my wife (38 Female) for the past 15 years, and we have a son (10 Male)."
"Our relationship has always been healthy, no significant or no fighting at all, and we have regular sex because we both have a high sex drive."
"Every few days, I bring her gifts, like flowers and sometimes a necklace or other jewelry like earrings, etc. She, on the other hand, keeps surprising me by making new dishes."
"Our marriage is as perfect as it can get."
But then the OP's wife did something terrible.
"A week ago, my wife confessed to me that she hooked up with a guy in a bar when she went for drinks."
"I don't drink, but my wife does, so we decided that she will not drink at home for our son's influence, and then she goes to the bar for drinks every few days."
"She came to me and told me everything that happened. She said she made a very big mistake. She was approached by a guy in his mid-20s, and she got seduced and they did it."
"I was so angry that she would ruin our marriage just for a bit of fun."
"She cried and begged me that she just made one mistake."
"I told her that I'm divorcing her. She f**ked up our 15-year relationship."
"She kept begging, but I didn't listen."
The OP's ten-year-old son did not take the news well.
"I told my son that his parents are splitting, in an age-appropriate way, of course."
"He wasn't having it. He cried and said he wanted his parents, to go for dinner, to have fun with, for vacations, etc."
"I just hugged him, and said okay and that I won't leave him yet. He's happy for now."
"Now coming back to my wife, she's trying her best to make it work, but I ignore her. If she hugs me and kisses me or engages in sex, I just let her for my son."
"I don't want him to grow up in an abusive household, but she cries and begs me to not throw away 15 years."
"She says she will try her best to keep her family no matter what; she's not gonna let a drunk mistake break her family and lose the love of her life."
The OP decided it was time to move forward with the divorce.
"My son is undergoing therapy. I told my wife that once our son is ready, we will divorce."
"She can stay at my home, so our son doesn't have to move out of his home. I will visit him every day after work and help her, as well, but she should look for a job."
"I will find someplace nearby, and we will not tell anyone about her infidelity."
The OP's wife got the rest of their family involved.
"She started crying and begged me to not break our marriage."
"She went to our parents and family, and they are begging me to give her another chance."
"Some are calling me out for breaking the family and not thinking about our son. Her siblings and parents are furious at me for breaking the family and putting my wife through so much pain. They say my wife has always been a good and faithful wife, but she just made a mistake, and she deserves another chance."
"Would I be the a**hole if I leave her without giving her another chance? Everyone keeps saying we will become stronger if I just give her another chance, but if it doesn't work, I can leave."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP the divorce would be better for his son and urged him to do it.
"You need to divorce. If you stay, your son is going to fully expect 'rainbows and sunshine' between you and your wife, and you can no longer give that."
"He's too young to understand. You can't let him control your decision because his expectations about you staying are not reality."
"You have to do the right thing now. It WILL be better for your son than staying together and disappointing him EVERY DAY because you two are NOT the happy parents he wants you to be." - JanetInSpain
"My parents also spoke to me about divorce but never got one, and I grew up with them loudly fighting frequently in the house. They also smack-talked each other to me and my siblings, which affected the way we thought of and treated them. Two separate households with happier parents are better then a family that hates each other."
"If you both find new partners that you love, you're at least showing that there are happy endings and love-filled relationships." - LiteroticaSharon
"You should divorce, OP. Otherwise, eventually, he'll learn the details because he'll overhear something and you'd essentially have taught him that he must stick around when he gets cheated on as well." - Vivid-Kitchen1917
"Lock down your credit. Take her off any credit cards and other accounts. Make sure to secure your important papers and set up an account with only your name."
"Do not have sex with her. It sounds like right now she believes she can convince you to stay. Once she realizes you are done. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to baby-trap you. Don't take that risk."
"Not even one last goodbye or for old times sake. Your first reaction may be, 'She would never,' but ummm, yes, my guy, she would. Desperate people will do some crazy f**ked up s**t." - LittleRedRidingHood72
"She says that she made a mistake, but it wasn't just one mistake. There were loads of mistakes in there, from accepting the drink to flirting to the first kiss and then them having sex."
"I can't tell you to leave her, but if this were me, the trust is completely gone, and the relationship is over."
"Also, I would not believe what she told people as way too many of them seem to be okay with her fucking another guy." - HaphazardJoker258
Others agreed and argued against the points the family had tried to make.
"Her family has such balls being furious at you, telling you that you destroyed the marriage. SHE DID IT!! Divorce is the best in this situation. Tell her that she not only cheated on you but also on your son. He will grow up in a broken home because she made a 'mistake.'"
"And you know if roles were reversed and it was OP who hat cheated the wife, the wife's family would still accuse him of breaking up the family." - CyberArwen1980
"Are you certain that what she told the families was the actual truth? I have a hard time believing all these other people are getting angry at you for being cheated on."
"Anyway, get out of the house and go somewhere close by for your kid. She's just going to 'love bomb' you into accepting her crap. Get the paperwork started, and tell her to find a job."
"How long before she 'goes out for drinks' again? How do you think you're going to feel playing pretend for months? All of this can hurt you in the divorce depending on the state you live in." - whiterac00n
"Do not have sex with her! Get tested for STDs and do not produce another child with her. She will get pregnant to trap you. Sleep in a separate room, etc. NTA and tell her family to kiss your a**. She cheated, not you!" - maximal_gain
"I think you need to tell her that if any more of her family bothers you, even once, you are going to out her publicly when you do leave."
"Either she plays nice and stops trying to manipulate you (which is actually making you dislike her more) or she accepts it and at least shows contrition by respecting your choices."
"'I'm not going to say you didn't have the ghost of a chance before, but after getting your family to harass me? Done. Finished.'"
"And tell the flying monkeys to eat s**t because you don't need to make mistakes to value your marriage, and you don't want anyone who does."
"My advice: Just start separation. It was a mistake to go back on your word to your kid. Tell her if she continues manipulating the situation and having third parties involve themselves, she's going to be outed and have the most contentious divorce your state has ever seen."
"Put the screws to her. She ruined this s**t, and you don't want what it is, even if you want what you had."
"Don't let them hold you hostage. Doing as they ask is honestly going to lead to them thinking they can push you around." - Grimwohl
"NTA. Cheating is never a 'mistake.' It is an intentional betrayal because it requires multiple choices, full consent, and active participation. Using wording like it was a mistake..., it was an accident..., one thing led to another..., I got caught up in the moment..., or blaming being drunk is an attempt to reduce their accountability and avoid consequences."
"You get to decide the consequences. It is your sole prerogative and responsibility. Don't let anyone guilt you into not following through with your decision."
"Does the family and friends who are pressuring you know the full story, because even though you said you wanted to keep it quiet, she opened the can of worms, and you should not feel guilty about making sure they know the full truth."
"For those pressuring you who are married, ask them to be honest with you, and ask them if their partner went to a bar and did what your wife did, would you just forgive them and let it go. That will either shut them up or make them lie to your face."
"I am sorry you are going through this because you deserve better than this because this is not your fault. It's not about who you are as a person or what you did or didn't do during your marriage. This about her intentionally making choices that she knew were wrong when she made the original choice, while she was doing it, and now afterwards. I wish both you and your son success in your healing journey." - Necessary_Tap343
While the subReddit understood that some couples can move beyond cheating and even go on to have genuinely happy and healthy relationships, they also empathized that that would not be an option for everyone.
Though the OP's wife may have felt she only made one mistake, she actually made a series of them, and if she wanted her marriage and family unit to last, there were multiple chances for her to say no.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp