There’s very little more exciting for a couple than when they learn they are expecting their first child.
Perhaps the only people more excited for them are their immediate family, who can’t wait to become first-time grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
Indeed, many soon-to-be grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins will simply go out of their way to celebrate the impending arrival of this baby.
However, while many soon-to-be parents are, indeed, happy that their family is so eager to be involved with their child’s life, sometimes being involved isn’t exactly as helpful as it sounds.
Redditor Primary_Tumbleweed89 and his girlfriend were surprised but happy, nonetheless, to discover they were going to be parents.
Not nearly as excited, however, as the original poster (OP)’s sister, who even offered to pay for one of the most important events leading up to the baby’s arrival.
However, upon learning of the somewhat dubious conditions that came with this offer, the OP eventually decided to decline.
A decision that didn’t exactly sit well with his sister.
Having doubts about his decision, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing my sisters offer to pay for the gender reveal scan?”
The OP explained why his sister’s excitement over his incoming first child was not entirely appreciated:
“So my girlfriend [26 F[emale]] and I [29 M[ale]] found out in August that we were going to be parents to our first child.”
“Generally, everyone was very happy about the news.”
“However because of the shock I felt at the time (it wasn’t planned), I called my mother for reassurance and it helped.”
“She wasn’t happy I told her over a phone call which I understand and am likely an AH for.”
“I apologized and we put it behind us.”
“My sister has been supportive, she helped us move to a new house, wanted to take my partner out baby shopping in a few weeks.”
“However, my mother was less helpful.”
“We had a FaceTime mid August about housing options, then my mother randomly asked me about if my partner was on the pill.”
“I said yes and I’ve seen her take it, and she asked if I was sure.”
“Almost like she was insinuating that I was baby trapped.”
“I have had worries about my sister.”
“I’m happy she’s excited but I feel sometimes she’s too much.”
“She was talking about having the baby every weekend so we could do stuff as a couple, and I said we have to consider both families.”
“She was also concerned about us moving a bit closer to my girlfriend’s family than mine.”
“She said I wouldn’t get as much support and questioned the support from my partner’s as her mother lives 2 hours away.”
“I said she comes down every weekend to look after her mother with dementia, we’ll be fine.”
“My sister offered to pay for our gender reveal scan.”
“We both thought this was a lovely gesture and said yes.”
“My sister understandably wanted to come because she’s paying for it.”
“My sister told me that the one she was booking allowed up to five people to come and suggested we bring my mum along.”
“I then said if she’s coming, then my girlfriend’s mum should come too.”
“She disagreed because it’s the only involvement they’ll have during the pregnancy and my girlfriend’s family will be at other events.”
“We said it’s not about who we’re including, it’s about having support during a personal appointment, and my girlfriend doesn’t want only all my family there.”
“My mum previously said either it’s just my family or no scan.”
“I said fine, we’ll pay for it ourselves.”
“My sister then messaged my girlfriend to explain her reasoning which left her in tears.”
“She also said my family like to do things separate and they’re a bit antisocial.”
“They think meeting my girlfriend’s mum at the scan will be awkward.”
“We think this kind of reasoning is selfish and not putting our wishes first.”
“My mum and sister are getting me to understand their reasoning.”
“I do understand it, I just don’t agree with it.”
“My girlfriend’s mum isn’t bothered by them not wanting her there, just more by how it’s affected us.”
“She told me not to worry about them and hugged me.”
“She said she’s happy to pay for it and for me to invite whoever I want.”
“This is a post here because despite many agreements about our side of things, I have doubt because my sister was going to pay for it.”
“And I was considering my dad but my girlfriend’s mum believes that would anger my family.”
Fellow Redditord weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not allowing his sister to pay for his gender reveal scan.
Everyone agreed that the behavior of the OP’s sister, as well as his mother, was extremely controlling and not at all generous, and that the OP absolutely did the right thing in calling her out and refusing to allow her to pay for the scan under her conditions.
“Any help or gifts with strings attached.”
“Don’t do it.”
“Never ever.”- nezukakyoto
“So absolutely NTA.”
“This wasn’t an offer of a gift–it was a power play.”
“You said no to your sister’s conditions, because she made your pregnant partner cry.”
“Good for you!”
“Keep setting boundaries!”
“Congratulations and best wishes.”- Tangerine_Bouquet
“Your mom chewed you out for calling her with the baby news.”
“I was already scratching my head at that, and you seem to accept that makes you an a**hole.”
“With crap like that permeating your life, it’s no wonder you’re on here for the rest of this.”
“Your mom and sister sound like real pieces of work I’m sorry to say.”
“Your mom goes on to insinuate you were baby trapped, then her and your sister go on to say only your side of the family should be in on gender scan?”
“It doesn’t matter who’s paying for it, everything regarding your life is for you to decide who’s included.”
“Your girlfriend’s mom sounds like truly a gem by the way.”- dart1126
“I personally wouldn’t accept their offers to pay for things like this moving forward either because it seems like they’re going to use these things as control over you and your girlfriend and will throw these ‘nice gestures’ in your face when they don’t get their own way.”- doritsochic
“This sounds like your mom and sister are making this pregnancy and baby about them.”
“It’s absolutely not.”
“They are not the parents.”- turkeygreen
“Your family sound unkind, and controlling.”
“Your sister used paying for this scan as a power play – both to insert herself and your mum into a private moment between you and your partner, AND to exclude others.”
“It’s really not nice at all.”
“My advice is to set this boundary and hold it firmly.”
“No one had a right to your gfs body or the baby you’re having.”
“There is no taking turns, concept of ‘fair’ between different grandmas, etc.”
“This is about what your gf wants because it’s her body, and secondary to that what you want.”
“I’m sorry and sad that your family is playing silly buggers instead of just supporting you.”
“I suspect this will get worse so definitely hold firm.”
“Your side of the family is drama… you’re building your own family.”
“This is a good exercise, you’re starting to build and practice your boundaries.”
“Please protect your partner and baby.”
“Your sister is being very aggressive.”
“I feel like she’s a pretty glaring problem and she’s bringing up some decisions you and your partner should both come to agreement with.”
“I think really consider if you can really trust the people who are offering help before you start relying on these people and making big decisions like moving etc. be smart don’t just give in because it feels easy and they’re so ‘generous’ obviously something like a gender reveal should be on your terms your sister is acting like she owns your baby.”- AtoZulu
“Pregnancy is not a bloody group project!”
“Your family are way too involved in this and creating drama for no reason.”- KommieKoala
“It’s not really a gift if it comes attached with a bunch of conditions.”
“They’re using this to exclude your wife’s family for whatever reason.”
“You’re better off paying for the scan yourself so you aren’t pressured into doing what they want.”-Independent-Test8031
It does seem nice that the OP’s sister is so eager to show her brother and SIL that they will have a support system when their child arrives.
Less heartwarming is how she and the OP’s mother don’t seem to want the OP’s girlfriend’s family remotely involved in their child’s life.
A conversation where boundaries need to be set and explaining how the family dynamic will work when the baby arrives seems necessary.