There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
Ignorance refers to a lack of information or education. Stupidity refers to an inability to learn.
While ignorance can be reversed through a desire to learn, it can also be a crutch to avoid unpleasant truths.
In which case stupidity is better than ignorance as the former is uninformed through no fault of their own while the latter chooses to remain uninformed.
A teenager whose father displayed ignorance of female puberty and menstruation turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Defiant_Hawk_372 asked:
“AITA for calling my Dad stupid after being told to use a ‘paper towel’ for swimming on my period?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“For context, I (15, female) and my dad (35, male) have had a really good relationship for the past year or two. We’ve always been close, but I’ve had a rocky relationship with my mum so he’s been my main support system.”
“Currently, I’m on holiday with my grandparents, younger sister, my dad and his girlfriend (4 adults, 2 kids including me) and I got my period. I have a really heavy flow, but I’m not yet comfortable with using tampons/cups so I stick to pads.”
“We were meant to be going to a water park, but with me getting my period, I obviously couldn’t go. Initially, my dad was fine with this and even suggested me and him doing go-karting together just us while my younger sister, his girlfriend and my grandparents could just go to the water park.”
“Then a few hours later I ask my dad about the go-karting and he said that my younger sister and his girlfriend wanted him to go to the water park so he’s going there. I felt that that this was unfair considering they could just go by themselves otherwise I’ll be stuck in the caravan all day when it’s our last day on holiday.”
“He then said that other people swim on their periods without tampons and his ‘female friends’ (who I suspect is his gf) ‘with far more experience since they are older’ use ‘paper towels’ and I could go swimming if I wanted to, I’m just choosing not to.”
“I got upset by this because I was looking forward to doing something with him and I also felt like he was just making out that I’m just trying to be difficult.”
“I said the paper towel is a stupid idea and to that he shouted at me not to call him stupid and slammed the door in my face. I’ve been stuck in the caravan with my Nan the whole day.”
“Me and my dad aren’t talking because he said he doesn’t want any more arguing.”
“My Nan, mum and friends all agree that the paper towel was a stupid thing to say, but I suspect his girlfriend was the one who suggested it in the first place.”
“So am I the a**hole?
The OP later added:
“A lot of people are saying I’m making the holiday about me and shouldn’t expect my dad to cancel. I didn’t expect my dad to do anything, he offered to take me go-karting, saying he would prefer to do that over the water park anyway.”
“If he didn’t want to, that’s totally fine. But if that was the case, he shouldn’t have waited to tell me that until 11pm/12am that night by which point it was far too late for me to arrange anything else.”
“Also, the only reason he chose to do the water park is because his girlfriend and my sister said they wouldn’t go without him, despite the fact they still could have gone just them two.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“My dad’s girlfriend was the one who suggested the idea so maybe I am just being difficult and shouldn’t have called my Dad stupid as a result of that.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA, and honestly? I think your dad is making it up that his ‘female friends with more experience as they are older’ said this as not one person who has actually had a period would suggest this as a viable option.”
“The paper would literally just disintegrate if it was used like a pad and would also disintegrate leaving bits of paper inside if it was used like a tampon.” ~ crochetandmead
“NTA. I probably would have taken a paper towel, stuck it in a cup of water, all while making intense eye contact, and when it disintegrated I would say, ‘so how is this supposed to help?’.”
“And then wait for him to realize how stupid the idea was. But I’m also an a**hole, so take that with some salt.” ~ pinupcthulhu
“It’s also very unlikely that multiple women just happened to talk to him about what they do, when they want to go swimming on their period. It’s just not a topic that comes up a lot in conversation, especially with men.”
“My dad actually knew that tampons were an option, when both of his daughters starting their period got in the way of a planned swim. He suggested them, we said that we didn’t like using them, and that was that. NTA.” ~ lohdunlaulamalla
“And even then… it still ends up getting in your undies like 70% of the time. ESPECIALLY with a heavy flow.”
“Some men are just stupid… he’s just mad that she, his 15-year-old daughter, actually called him out on his bullsh*t. I would have laughed in his face and said ‘are you f*cking serious right now‽‽.”
“So she was much nicer than I would have been… especially when I’m on my period. I have no filter most of the time anyway, but on my period, it’s like I flung that filter out the window doing 120 mph down the highway! Never to be seen again!”
“NTA, OP! Not even in the slightest. This is also why men shouldn’t be governing women’s bodies. Most of them don’t understand them AT ALL.” ~ maddypage87
“Exactly my thoughts. Not to mention paper towels would feel awful down there. I’ve used toilet paper when I have nothing else until I get home, but that is not very comfortable and a temporary situation—certainly not for swimming either.”
“I’ve never had an issue swimming while on my period, but I also have always had pretty light periods(my periods have always been screwed up due to PCOS). So I can’t speak for those with a heavier flow.”
“That being said, I can also understand just not wanting to swim during your period. Not due to concerns about making a mess, but just because you don’t feel like it.
“That is also totally understandable. NTA.” ~ heartofscylla
“I… Just… Wait… What? MIND EXPLODING. Paper freaking towels? What on earth is he thinking? Just wad it up and stick it up there? He might as well suggest a cork.”
“Look. I’m a middle-aged guy who’s never had to deal with a period, and even I know that was, without a doubt, a stupid idea. You were absolutely right to tell him that, and there’s a big difference between saying an idea is stupid and saying that a person is stupid. NTA.” ~ EndielXenon
“NTA. So, first of all you didn’t call him stupid. You said it was a stupid idea. Which… it was. It was also a lie.”
“Dad does not have any friends who are more older and more experienced and go swimming with paper towels. If he thinks he does, they lied to him, but the more likely option is that he was lying to you.”
“And then he shouted at you. After he cancelled your plans. Without telling you until you called to ask.”
“This, combined with his not wanting to talk to his child because he ‘doesn’t want any more arguing’ means he is, in fact, the a**hole.” ~ dryadduinath
The OP provided an update.
“I’m back at my mum’s, but I received this message from my dad, ‘I would also like to have a chat with you about our conversation last night. I’ve taken some advice and there’s things I didn’t realise and for that I am truly sorry’.”
“‘I can however help, but need your acceptance. All I ever want is for you to be happy and advised correctly’.”
“‘Obviously I can’t help with that and I’m not used to not being able to help you. I feel terrible that I could’ve asked you to do something that I didn’t understand so reached out to better understand it’.”
“‘It’s now clear to me that using tampons is not straight forward and actually isn’t the right method for someone that isn’t sexually active. Obviously I had no clue about this. Hopefully we can chat tomorrow and I can talk you through my idea/plan moving forward’.”
“My dad spoke to a senior nurse for advice. Of course you can use tampons if you’re not sexually active, but what she’s saying is for the majority who aren’t sexually active it isn’t necessarily the best option/may be uncomfortable.”
“Dad did understand, he sent another message, but I didn’t include it because it had a lot of personal information, but basically he spoke to a family friend who is a doctor and he realised he was completely in the wrong.”
“We’ve had some really productive conversations since this and I’d never ruin my relationship with my dad over one argument.”
While the day of the incident may have been upsetting, it sounds like the OP is back on firm footing with her father.
It’s good to see her father recognized his ignorance and identified his need to learn more to help both of his daughters.